


To all the boys I've loved before

by janewritesstuff (Jane_de_Plaine)



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Forced Out of the Closet, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, More tags to be added, Opposites Attract, Romantic Comedy, Scheming, Strangers to Lovers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2019-07-11 23:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 46,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15983234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jane_de_Plaine/pseuds/janewritesstuff
Summary: Isak has a secret. He's gay but he's not ready to admit it. Not to himself and definitely not to his best friends Jonas and Eva who are dating. Especially since he's kind of in love with Jonas.So he writes a letter to let his feelings go and adds it to the other four letters he has written to four other crushes he's had.But suddenly everything changes. Eva and Jonas have broken up and somehow the letters are out and he needs to do major damage control!But how?A "To all the boys I've loved before" AU.





	1. Chapter 1: A trio no more!

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the character or even the plot! The characters belong to NRK and Julie Andem and the plot is inspired by the book "To all the boys I've loved before" By Jenny Han and its movie adaptation. This is a work of fiction and none of the actions of the characters are neither approved nor condemned by this writer. Any and all similarities to real people are accidental.

Hello dear readers! I'm Jane and this is my first fic for this fandom and on AO3. I'm nervous and excited! I hope you like the story. Please be gentle, I'm a newbie! 

Please forgive any major mistakes. I'm not a native English speaker and this work is not beta'ed. 

You can reach me at my blog on Tumblr or here! 

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

"If you were mine, I would never have broken up with you, not in a million years.”   
― Jenny Han, To All the Boys I've Loved Before 

 

**A trio no more!**

 

Ever since Isak could remember, it had been him, Jonas and Eva. It was almost unimaginable to think of a time when they were not all attached to each other at the hip. They did everything together; they all went to dance class together because Eva wanted to dance (it had not ended well but they tried!), they learned to skateboard together (because Jonas said it was cool) and they had changed school together. They knew everything about each other and they had already planned their whole life around their friendship. They were going to get old and die together.

So when Eva grabbed Isak at the party and pulled him away to tell him, “Jonas and I broken up”, Isak didn’t know if he was tripping over or if his world had just turned upside down.

“ _What_?” was the best he could muster up.

Eva’s eyes were red and she seemed to be engulfed in her coat and scarf like a small helpless kitten. She stared back at him and bit her lip as Isak stared back just as speechless. Somewhere far away, people were hooting to the music and clinking beer bottles together but Isak was no longer registering those things.

“What does that mean?” He asked again when Eva made no attempt to explain herself.

“It means we’re no longer together, Isak,” Eva explained rather unnecessarily. Isak rolled his eyes and released a shaky breath.

“I know that, but wh- why? This can’t be happening. Oh my god, it’s over! Our friend group is fucked up…”

“Oh, will you stop it, Isak?” Eva rolled her eyes at Isak’s distraught expression. “It’s not like we can’t be friends anymore. It’ll be like before.”

Before. As in back when they were just friends and Isak was comfortable in their cocoon, never realizing he was the third wheel as Eva and Jonas exchanged meaningful glances behind his back.

Isak didn’t want to go back to _then_.

“But why?” Isak asked again, his voice whiny and annoying even to himself.

“It’s complicated,” Eva mumbled, avoiding his gaze. Isak exhaled, releasing his fears and sadness with it, and pulled Eva into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Eva,” He said into her hair and rubbed her back. He felt more than saw Eva nod and they held each other. They held on until their breathing synced and Isak felt Eva relax at last. They slowly pulled away. Isak wanted to ask more. He wondered how he had missed this coming. Maybe it had been sudden. Maybe something had happened. Just as he was about to ask her his questions, Vilde showed up.

“Eva!” She squeaked before she pushed her way between Eva and Isak and grabbed Eva’s shoulders.

“I’m so sorry,” She said in her frilly voice again. Isak could feel a headache start already.

He blamed those girls. Ever since they had shown up and swiped Eva up in their Russ bus shenanigans and their drama, nothing had been the same.

He knew he was being unfair even as he thought this. He hardly knew these girls and that was mostly his own doing. Eva had invited Jonas and Isak along to the parties but Isak was afraid of Chris, one of the girls with a particular interest in Isak, and Jonas had gone on for hours, talking about the vileness of Russ parties before Eva had given up and walked away with steam rising from her head.

Perhaps it wasn’t so random after all. Eva and Jonas had been fighting for months. It felt like home for Isak all over again and he wasn’t very happy about that.

More than once, he had wished they’d just break up and get in over with.

Now he regretted ever wishing for such a thing. He would take being the third wheel over this feeling, any day.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” Vilde said as she pushed Eva away from Isak.

“Bye Isak,” Eva called back as Vilde kept on pushing.

“Bye! Call me!” Isak replied. He stared at the two of them disappearing in the crowded space. He felt so vulnerable. As if something precious was being torn away from inside of him. Dread pulled behind his eyes. Eva was wrong. It could never go back to before.

“Yo Isak! Did someone piss in your drink?” A crass voice broke Isak’s train of thought. He looked up to find Penetrator Chris and a few of his friends sitting on the couch and snickering.

Chris raised his own can of beer in salute when he had Isak’s attention. Isak stared back, expressionless and mind blank. He looked down at the warm can of beer in his own hand and made a face. A few of the boys and girls surrounding Chris began to laugh.

Penetrator Chris or Pchris as everyone called him, was a ninety-seven boy and he was the nastiest member of the former Russ bus, Penetrators. He was best friends with William who was dating one or two of Eva’s friends and the two of them were the king and prince of Hartvig Nissen when Isak, Jonas, and Eva had started VGS there last year. Pchris was famous for hooking up with every girl who looked his way. He was the sensitive one. The ones the girls trusted. William was straight up terrifying. Still, Isak had gotten on their good side when he helped Pchris arrange a fight against the Yakuza boys when the gang terrorized kids from Nissen, last spring.

“Dude, are you high?” PChris asked again and the people around him laughed a bit louder this time.

“He’s so out of it, man. Let the kid be!” Isak didn’t bother looking back at them again. He could feel his face getting warmer and humiliation pulled in his stomach like melted toffee. He needed to leave. He needed to find Jonas and ask him if he was okay about all this. Eva had her girls now but Jonas only had Isak. The thought shook Isak into motion and he began to make his way into the packed house to find Jonas. He checked the bathroom first as Jonas could be found smoking with a few others in bathrooms at most parties, but he wasn’t there. He checked the kitchen next. Maybe he had gone there to get a beer but he wasn’t there either. He stood on the stairs for a moment and contemplated braving the dancing masses to find him but he just couldn’t. So at last, he took refuge in the backyard, only half hoping to find Jonas there. As expected, he wasn’t there but someone else was. Sitting on the edge of the empty swimming pool, in his infamous jean jacket and smoking a blunt, sat Even Bech Næsheim. The new kid. The Bakka guy. The cool one. Even.

The man, the legend, the mystery.

He had transferred to Nissen for his third year, an unheard of occurrence if there ever was one, and from nowhere else other than Elvebakken! He was mysterious and cool and made of a matter no one else in Nissen was made of.

If William was the king of Nissen, then Even was the rebel leader come to tear his kingdom down.

He wasn’t just too cool for school. He was too cool period.

Isak gulped dryly. He was pretty sure Even didn’t remember him. As much as Even was like a siren beacon, impossible to miss or ignore, Isak was the epitome of a wallflower. Partially by choice and partially by circumstance. He was fine with it, too. He had no desire to be popular like Vilde wished to be.

But he had met Even before. Way back. Two years ago, when he had gone to Bakka for a tour around the school. He had been planning to go there for his VGS (his grades were good enough for it) before Eva suggested they all apply for Nissen together.

The day he had gone to Bakka Even had been his student guide for a brief moment there. He couldn’t even remember the other guy who gave him the tour. Marcus, Maceo or something else beginning with “M”. he had shown Isak the cafeteria and the photography studio and all these other impressive parts until they had been interrupted and he had to go help a friend with a project. He had asked Even to give the rest of the tour. Even, an unsuspecting individual minding his own business, had been trapped into a situation he was clearly disqualified for.

But he had been kind, he had laughed and blushed and told self-deprecating jokes as he led Isak from room to room and showed him the school with dramatic gestures and made-up stories. Isak had wanted to go to Bakka so bad, just then. He had thanked Even and shook his hand at the end of the tour.

“I hope to see you around next year,” Even had said to him.

“Thanks, I hope so too,” Isak had replied, meaning every word. And then he hadn’t gone to Bakka.

Two years later Even transferred to Nissen and Isak who had all but forgotten about him had suddenly remembered every detail of that day to a T and he had spent weeks avoiding him before he realized Even definitely didn’t remember him. They had been the last two people in the hallway after school two days ago and Even had walked past him as if he wasn’t even there. Isak had still followed him with his eyes wide as saucers and his mouth hanging open as he left the school and joined a beautiful blonde outside.

Whatever. Isak didn’t care. Of course, he didn’t.

Still, he was a bit wounded that he was  _that_ unmemorable. Way back then, he had thought the day was special. He had thought they had a minor friendship in the making under the unexpected circumstances.

So he was torn between going over and announcing his presence and sneaking back in and hoping to go unnoticed when Even made the decision for him by turning around.

“Hi Isak,” He said with his signature smile and his kind eyes. He turned back before Isak had a chance to get over the shock that Even knew his name.

“Hi,” He answered quietly, looking around to make sure there weren’t any other Isaks around. There wasn’t anyone else back there beside the two of them.

“What brings you to this no man’s land?” Even asked, blowing thick white smoke into the air.

“Um, I,”  _get it together, Isak!_  “I was looking for my friend, Jonas?” Even looked blankly back at him, flicking the blunt once. “Bushy eyebrows, dark curly hair? Looks like he would read the communist manifesto as a bedtime story?”

“Oh yeah!” Even’s eyes lit up with recognition. “He’s not here, but I think I saw him making out with some chick inside, somewhere.”

“What? No! He just broke up with his girlfriend.”

“Oh, my mistake. Maybe that was someone else?”

They both went quiet then. Perhaps both contemplating whether it was a possibility for someone to get a rebound so fast or if it was more likely to have two boys with bushy eyebrows and an obsession with politics in one school.

When the silence had gone on long enough for them both to forget what it was they had really been thinking about Even thrust the hand holding the blunt toward Isak and asked: “You want a smoke?”

Isak wondered if he should say no but Jonas was nowhere to be seen and he was really on his way to a headache now so maybe the weed would help. Plus, Even was nice.

He slowly began to nod his head and walked toward Even’s outstretched hand. He settled down beside Even, his legs dangling over the edge before he grabbed the blunt and inhaled.

“That’s rough, getting dumped at a party,” Even said.

“Hmm, shit happens I guess,” Isak said as he returned the cigarette to Even. He took it and nodded.

“So,” Even began. “You never did show up at Bakka.” Isak began to cough. Even laughed a quiet laugh and waited for Isak to catch his breath.

“Yeah, it didn’t work out,” Isak replied, staring at the bottom of the pool.

“Why not?”

“It just-”

“Isak!” They were interrupted with Jonas’s sharp voice calling out to Isak. They both turned at the same time and watched as Jonas rushed towards them.

“Oh yeah, it was definitely him,” Even mumbled.

“Where have you been? I’m gonna go grab a bite with the boys, you coming?” Jonas asked. “Hi Even,” He added as an afterthought.

“Hey.”

“Um,” Isak stalled, looking back between Even and Jonas. “Yeah, sure.” He said to Jonas before turning back to Even. “Thanks for the…” He gestured to the cigarette.

“No problem,” Even replied with a nod. “See you around, Isak?”

“Yeah, sure! See you around.”

“Bye, Even,” Jonas said. “I think you better sneak out from here though. The police are raiding the party,” He gestured back to the party.

Even cursed under his breath before getting up and thanking Jonas for the information and made his way to the hedge.

“Strange guy, that one,” Jonas observed later as they were riding his bike to Macdonald’s. “I didn’t know you knew him.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know you broke up with Eva either,” Isak retorted.

“Shit man! Why would you bring that up?”

“Sorry sorry!”

~*~*~*~

“It just… I don’t know what happened. Or maybe I do. Do you think we ruined something by trying to date? Maybe we were better off as friends,” Jonas picked at his sandwich as he said this.

They were sitting at the back of the restaurant in a quiet booth. The boys had bailed and it was just the two of them. Neither with much of an appetite. Isak stared at his own sad burger and tried to convince himself to take another bite but his throat was closed up.

“Weren’t you in love though? Love is supposed to be worth the sacrifice…or something.”

“I can’t explain it, you should experience it to understand, Isak. You’ve never been in love. It’s like hanging off a tether over a ledge. The right decision is hard to make.”

Isak thought the decision seemed easy; why let go of the tether? That made no sense? But he let it slide, imagining that Jonas was too drunk and sad to make sense right now, anyway.

“Did you,” Isak began to say before biting his tongue and keeping quiet.

“Did I what?”

“Did you hook up with someone tonight?”

“We broke up this afternoon, Isak. It wasn’t cheating.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“What is it then?”

Isak looked down. He pushed a fry around his plate. “Weren’t you in love?”

Jonas’s shoulder stooped. “We were at some point.”

~*~*~*~

Isak woke up with a start. Or more specifically, he woke up when  _Eskild_  barged into his room. The door hit the wall behind it with a bang and Isak sat straight up in bed.

“And the beauty awakes. The end,” Eskild said with a sing-song voice. Isak glared at him.

“Eskild! What the fuck?”

Eskild, Isak’s housemate and the bane of his existence, just rolled his eyes and walked into the room.

“Isak! What the fuck right back at you! It’s almost noon! Are you a hermit? Just get up already!”

“It’s weekend. Week.End. the whole point is I should get to sleep in for as long as I want to!”

“This is your life. You’re sleeping it all away. Look at your room! It’s like a caveman is living here! Clean up! See, Linn doesn’t have the energy to clean up after us! We should be responsible for our own actions!”

“Fine! I’ll clean up. What do you want?”

“Wanna watch Star Wars together?”

“Which one?”

“All of them.”

“Even the prequels?”

“Okay, maybe not those.”

“Fine!”

“Great! Go take a shower and meet me in the living room. I’ll get you a bowl of milk and cornflakes. The colorful ones that you like.”

“Thanks.”

“See ya!” Eskild sang again as he sashayed out of the room. Isak chuckled and shook his head.

He might act all cranky and mean with Eskild but truth is, Eskild has been more like an older brother than a housemate to Isak. Even if Isak didn’t show it to Eskild, he still wanted his stamp of approval on anything he did. He looked up to Eskild. He was the kindest person Isak knew. When Isak had nowhere else to go, he gave him a place to stay and made sure he was well taken care of.

Isak smiled to himself. If that meant, every once in a while he would have to wake up early on a weekend for a Star Wars marathon with Eskild, then so be it. It was the least he could do for Eskild.

So with a deep breath, he jumped out of bed and started his day. He took his shower and rushed back to his room in his towel to change into comfortable, movie marathon appropriate clothes. He opened the closet doors and stared at the items in it. Besides his extensive collection of skinny jeans and hoodies, there were a few other things pushed into the back of the closet; his old skateboard and a bunch of snapbacks and deep beneath them all, an old shoe box, sealed shot with a thread bound twice around it and tied into a bow on top.

Here is a truth about Isak Valtersen: He had two secrets. One he kept from himself, and one he kept from the world.

He didn’t even know that he was keeping the first secret from himself but even if he thought he was keeping it from the world, he was really keeping it from himself.

The first secret was, Isak was gay.

He didn’t think about it but deep down, he knew. He was afraid to let it out. What would everyone say? What if they hated him for it? What if he was wrong and it was just a phase? What if What if what if…

So he buried it deep inside of himself and pretended he didn’t know. Which brought up the second secret. This one he kept from the world. In the shape of five letters, sealed and addressed, buried deep inside his closet in an old shoe box.

Five letters to the five boys he had fallen for once upon a time.

Every time Isak had a crush, so bone crushing and soul-chilling that his secret tended to come to the very surface, threatening to burst out and pierce his skin, he would write a letter and let it all out. In this way, he could convince himself, they were simply itches; small lustful and confused moments he could write down and wash his hands of. He wasn’t really gay if he wrote his love and desire down and never again felt them.

So he wrote his letters for the five people who unknowingly shared his secret with him. The first one was for a boy back in elementary school. His name was Alex and he had let Isak go over to his house and they had played with his brand new Xbox. They were eleven and it was Isak’s first crush ever. He didn’t even know what it was he was feeling. He wrote the letter when Alex moved to Denmark with his parents. It was a goodbye letter more than anything.

That was the beginning. After that came Julian Dahl. He was a friend of a friend. They kissed in a game of spin the bottle once at a party when Isak was just thirteen.

Then there is Pchris. After the whole gang fight planning, Isak had a brief phase when knowing the guy-behind-the-jerk had him swoon over him. That faded away when the reality of who Pchris wanted to be caught up with him. Now Isak thought it was sad that Chris still hung out at high school parties when he had already graduated.

Then of course was Even’s letter. Even with his funny stories and his wide smile and blue eyes. Isak had really looked forward to attending Bakka for a moment there. That was all in the past now.

The last letter, however, the most precious one of all, was for Jonas. His best friend. The boy Isak was in love with.

Isak had always known that his connection with his best friend was more than the ordinary. He was the only one who knew about Isak’s family life. He had been there for him through the darkest times of his life and the brightest. It felt natural when he realized he was in love with him.

If the other boys were merely crushes and passing fancies, Jonas was the real deal. Isak had been so close to coming out and telling Jonas everything but then Eva and Jonas had gotten together. As he had sat between them and dreamed up his own happy ending with Jonas, Eva and Jonas had fallen in love right in front of him. They had secretly begun dating and it was all over. He loved them both too much to feel jealous or angry.

So he made a choice and he wrote a letter to Jonas and with it, he put all his feeling down and never again acknowledged them.

Now, however, suddenly everything was different. Eva and Jonas were broken up. The feelings Isak had fought so hard to stop feeling were on the brink of coming out. He brushed a hand over the shoebox. He could never have them know about his feelings. Eva and Jonas had to get back together. They were to never know about Isak’s crush. Isak was determined to take the secret to his grave. He would never betray Eva like that. The first rule of friendship.

He brushed a hand over the box. He could imagine the letter in the box. Could practically see them; stacked and ready to be sent. He exhaled a shaky breath and stood up.

No one could ever know. Never. 

 

~~~~~***~~~~~


	2. Chapter 2:What could possibly go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dear skam fandom!  
> Thank you so much for your positive response to the last chapter.  
> I realize I didn't really give an update schedule before so here it is. I know this chapter came quite soon but I think I'll be posting one chapter a week from now on. I'm writing every chapter as I go so I don't want to promise you fast updates like this one but hopefully, I can manage one chapter a week.  
> Another thing I wanted to talk about was Article 13 which is a true threat to fandom culture in Europe. We could lose a lot of writers and great fanart. Please look into it and spread the word. It's still not too late to fight this. 
> 
> Here is the second chapter! I hope you will like it. It turned out slightly angstier than the first one...let me know what you think! I feed on comments so please do share your opinions with me. <3

 

“You'd rather make up a fantasy version of somebody in your head than be with a real person.”  
― Jenny Han, To All the Boys I've Loved Before

 

What could possibly go wrong?

 

Isak was meticulously taking raisins out of his bread as Magnus went on and on about the girl he had allegedly hooked up with, Friday night.

“Dude she was so into me, I swear!” Magnus said loudly as spit and food flew out of his mouth. Jonas winced and covered his food protectively.

“Sure, Magnus!” Mahdi nodded in agreement to Magnus, a smirk firm on his face. He was leaning back in his chair with his arm slung over the back of Magnus’s chair and his legs stretched out in front of him; the picture of suaveness.

“I swear!” Magnus said, eyes wider than before and his voice two octaves higher.

“Okay! I’m not saying anything!”

“you’re making that face!”

“What face?”

“The ‘you’re full of shit’ one!”

“I’m eating here!” Jonas said loudly, raising his hands up in disbelief.

“I do not have a ‘you’re full of shit’ face.”

“Do too!”

“Do not!”

“Do too!”

“How old are you two? Five?” said Jonas again, more loudly this time. “Stop this, right now. Or I am sitting with Julian from now on.”

Some days, Isak wondered just how the four of them could be friends. It was almost unbelievable that four people could be so different and yet so close. Some days the differences shone brighter. This lunch break was a good example.  

Mahdi had joined the squad when Jonas had smoked with him in three consecutive parties. They had hit it off so splendidly during their high rantings that Mahdi had become a fixed member of their friend group ever since. Magnus on the other hand, Isak had met in mathematics last year and he hadn’t stopped following Isak around ever since. Isak had only realized they were considered friends after three weeks had passed. Before then, he had just assumed Magnus was stalking him.

“Chill, bro. We’re just talking,” Mahdi said to Jonas, his eyes weary. “You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jonas mumbled, fiddling with his chocolate milk box. Isak wanted to reach out and squeeze his shoulder in solidarity but he held back. Jonas wasn’t one to share his feelings in public, anyway.

“So, next weekend?” asked Magnus, stirring the conversation back from dangerous territory. “What are we doing?”

“We,” began Mahdi. “are going to find Jonas a rebound!” He sat back, pleased with his own planning skills.

“ _We,_ are doing no such thing,” Jonas shot back.

“Yeah, I can’t come to any party this week either. Lea is coming over for the weekend,” said Isak with a nod.

“Well, can’t she come the next day?” asked Magnus, frowning.

“Nope! Papa is going on a work trip and Mama is busy. She needs a sitter.”

“You need any help?” Jonas asked.

“No, it’s fine. Eva,” Isak paused then. He didn’t know if he was allowed to finish that sentence. He never had to navigate around his friends like this. Was he allowed to mention Eva? Was it a sore subject now? What was the appropriate amount of time before Isak could mention one of them to the other? Could he ever mention his two best friends to each other?

He took in a shaky breath and went on: “Eva is coming over, too. So… I have back up!”

Jonas just nodded and continued to fiddle with his milk box as Mahdi and Magnus shifted in their seats and exchanged meaningful glances.

“Well, all I’m saying is, it’s already Wednesday Magnus and you’re still talking about the girl you met at the party last Friday,” Mahdi said, once again stirring the conversation back to Magnus.

 “I _knew_ you were giving me the look,” Magnus exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger toward Mahdi who was shaking in silent laughter.

“You should learn from Isak,” said Mahdi. “Now he hooks up with a new chick every week and doesn’t say a word the next day!” Isak frowned. He had a good reason for not mentioning it. It was private. And it wasn’t every week, either.

“Did you hook up with someone last Friday?” asked Magnus. Isak’s stomach dropped. Three pairs of eyes were staring at him waiting for his answer. He felt himself nod but he refused to meet any of their gazes.

“With who?” Asked Jonas, this time. He was clearly intrigued.

Isak began to gesture wildly; making faces and stuttering. “You know, that first-year girl. Emma.”

“Emma?”

“The one who looks like Natalie Portman?”

“Way to go, bro!”

“You’re not kidding around, are you?” asked Mahdi, one eyebrow raised, measuring Isak up and down as he took a bite of his apple.

“Are you saying I’m lying?” Isak made a comical face, feigning shock. “I would never lie! Why would I lie now?”

They went on arguing about this for a while longer before they got interrupted by a melodic voice.

“Hi guys!” said Vilde. She had a wide smile on her face as usual. Her blonde hair was held back by a bow. She was always smiling and busy doing something important. Isak felt exhausted just by looking at her.

They answered her with their own lackluster hellos. Varying between mildly enthusiastic (Magnus) to barely dragging the word out (Isak).

“Have you guys decided which revue group you’re going to join?” asked Vilde. The boys sighed in defeat.

“No, Vilde. Why don’t you tell us?” Asked Mahdi, staring blankly at the table.

~*~*~*~

To Isak, the week following Jonas and Eva’s break up was the strangest week of his life. Even when his parents had separated, he still had Eva and Jonas with him as a united front, always watching out for him. Now he had to tiptoe around the two of them, make sure he wasn’t mentioning them to each other and separating his time to hanging out with them individually.

It was stressful and on top of the pressure of his studies and his general talent of gravitating towards embarrassing situations, this was one extra cause of stress he really could have done without.

By the time Friday had arrived, all he wanted was to hide in his room and sleep until Monday. No such luck. Lea was to arrive at 5 p.m. sharp and knowing his father, she would be there before Isak got home.

Sure enough, by the time Isak got to the Kollektive, Lea was sitting in front of the TV with Eskild, all her homework strewn around the living room.

“Hello, Isak! Look at our little guest!” Eskild said, smiling adoringly at the mini-Isak sitting beside him.

“Hi, Eskild! Hi Lea!” Isak said as he made his way towards them to hug his little sister.

“Hi! Look what I made for you,” Lea said this while still hanging around Isak’s neck in a relatively suffocating hug and gestured to a plate full of cookies on the table. Isak looked over at the chocolate chip cookies and the heart-shaped sugar cookies.

“That’s so cool, Lea! Thanks!” Said Isak, slowly pulling away to drop down on the sofa in exhaustion. He ruffled her hair as she went on and one about baking them and choosing which flavors to make.

Lea, Isak’s little sister, was taking their parents’ separation better than Isak had expected. She was nine years old and while Isak’s father hadn’t bothered to find a solution for Isak’s living conditions after his mother went to the hospital, he had taken Lea with him. For her part, Lea had been mature about the situation. Sometimes Isak thought she was the actual older sibling. An old soul, as Eskild would say.

“You made it all on your own?” He asked her.

“Well, no. Noora made it. I helped.”

Of course, she did. Noora used to live in the kollektiv with Eskild and Linn before she moved in with her boyfriend. Still, she hung out at the apartment most of the times and got up to all kinds of shenanigans with Isak’s whimsical roommates.

At first it had been awkward to run into a classmate half naked as he came out of the shower. Especially a classmate he barely knew. But soon it all became normal. So normal that he wouldn’t be embarrassed if Noora nagged at him to let her wash his sheets. She was more of a designated mother/older sister now. Baking with Lea only highlighted that fact.

Almost on cue, Noora walked out of the kitchen, carrying a fresh batch of cookies, her face red from the oven’s heat.

“Hey Isak,” said Noora with a warm smile.

“Hi! Thanks for the cookies,” said Isak, gesturing to the plates.

“Oh, that was _all_ Lea! I just watch, right?” Lea nodded, chomping on a cookie.

“I was moral support,” interjected Eskild. “I ate the batch so they wouldn’t!”

“That must have been great help Eskild,” said Isak.

“Of course! How else would they know they were doing a good job?” Eskild rolled his eyes.

“Didn’t they have a recipe?”

“Details, Isak. Details!” Isak shook his head and smiled at Eskild’s antiques. At that moment, Isak realized how happy he was. Despite everything, he had managed to find himself a true family. With Eskild’s dubious bits of advice and Noora’s mothering, With Linn’s mute comradeship and his little sister by his side, he had himself a family of misfits. He suddenly had hope. Eva and Jonas would probably get back together again and the world would be as it was meant to be. What could possibly go wrong at this point?

They all settled down for a quiet Friday night. It was Eskild’s turn to choose the movie of the week so they ended up watching a shitty rom-com that Isak couldn’t even bother to remember the name of. Linn joined them for dinner, which was pizza but after she was done eating her slice, she retreated back to her room, presumably to take a nap.

Lea fell asleep with her head in Noora’s lap and her feet dangling over Isak halfway through the movie. Isak used carrying her to bed as an excuse to ditch the movie but Eskild’s narrowed eyes suggested he was onto him.

It was a good night, Isak decided as he laid down to sleep that night. Everything was going to be fine. He just knew it.

~*~*~*~

Whether things were going to be fine or not in the near future, wasn’t enough to fix the mess that was the next morning. Isak had been so tired the night before that the sheer strain of aching muscles and a reeling mind hadn’t let him just fall asleep like a normal person. He had been up for hours; Lea’s soft snores his torment and only companion.

Lea, the little devil, had had no such problem and had been up at the ridiculously early hour of seven the next morning and had been climbing up the walls with an unbelievable amount of energy. Isak had been “jumped” awake. As in Lea had jumped _on_ him and screamed his name until he got up and had demanded breakfast and entertainment non-stop.

When Eva finally arrived around 11, armed with comfort food and comfy clothes, Isak was already sporting a headache.

“Eva’s here for a dose of self-pity and friend-comfortship,” said Eva when Isak opened the door to her. She looked droopy and energetic at the same time; holding a box of strawberry ice cream (Isak’s favorite) up almost as an apology.

“Hi, Eva,” said Isak with a sigh as Lea shrieked a war cry and ran to the kitchen behind him. An equally excited Eskild in tow.

Eva glanced behind Isak. A grimace forming on her face.

“Rough morning?”

“You have no idea!”

“Have no fear!” said Eva in a dramatic accent. “I am here to your rescue!”

“Thank fuck! Let’s go to my room before Lea gets out of the kitchen!” He grabbed her hand and dragged a giggling Eva to his room.

They settled on the mattress Isak called bed with the box of ice cream between them. Isak had pushed a chair behind the door when they had entered the room. He had ominously said “Lea” in answer to Eva’s questioning glance. Eva had snorted and followed him to the bed.

“Is this the part where I nag about my break up to you?” Asked Eva, a mouthful of ice cream muffling her voice. Isak shook his head.

“No idea! This is the first time this is happening to me, you see.”

“Me too,” said Eva with a sigh. “Let’s talk about something happy!”

Isak paused with his spoon midair. “Like what?”

“You know what? We’ve had enough of my relationship drama! From now on, we’re gonna focus on getting you a girlfriend!!”

“What?” shrieked Isak. His voice sounded thin and high pitched and he had to clear his throat before he could protest further. “No, we don’t! Let’s talk about your break up again!”

“Come on, Isak! Don’t you wanna find love?” She nudged his shoulder. “Find yourself somebody? Cuddle her at niiights, sing for her in the raaaain?” She sang in a lazy voice. Isak’s stomach dropped.

“No!” he said, trying to escape Eva’s nudges. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but it hasn’t been exactly a good gig for people I know to fall in love.”

Eva stopped pocking Isak’s side. Her smile fell. “Don’t say that,” she said in a weak voice.

“It’s true! If you and Jonas couldn’t make it then no one would.”

He really believed that. To him, Eva and Jonas were the pinnacles of romance. With their unfortunate break up and his own parents as the cautionary tales, Isak was happy to stand back and watch from afar.

“You can’t think like that Isak.”

“Why not? Wouldn’t you want to go back? To not hurt over your break up? If you could just turn time back and never feel the sad things you’re feeling right now?”

“No,” replied Eva in a firm voice.

“You _want_ to hurt?”

“Well, I don’t like hurting but I would never give up on love just because I’m afraid of hurting. I know it’s all sad and gloomy now, but I wouldn’t trade away a single moment I spent with Jonas. I feed on my hurt. The feelings that I had, that I still have for Jonas, they are too precious for me to lose. You know, I still love him. Even if I know we can’t be together, it just won’t work out, I still care very deeply for him. Isak, if you’re not loving, you’re not living! Life is too short to deny yourself the amazing experience of love. To care so much for someone that you’ll feel like bursting! It’s the best feeling in the world.”

Isak listened to Eva speak in a trance. She was right, he had never felt love, not the romantic kind like Eva was talking about. He looked away.

“I don’t know if I can love like that. Maybe some people are not meant to fall in love?” asked Isak, staring at his own clasped hands in his lap and avoided Eva’s gaze.

“Don’t say that,” said Eva as she squeezed Isak’s hand. Just then, the door opened and hit the chair with an unpleasant screeching noise. Eva and Isak flinched as they looked over to find a bouncing Lea trying to get into the room.

“Isak, come play with us!” She laughed, her cheeks red from all the jumping around she had done all day.

“Jesus Lea! Can’t you learn to knock?” He knew he wasn’t supposed to yell at her like that. He was supposed to be patient with her and never raise his voice but she had been crawling over his nerves all morning and now she was interrupting a very private, very serious conversation and Isak just wanted to be left alone.

Lea’s face crumpled. The redness of her cheeks seeped into her entire face; her nose, her ears, her eyes. Her shoulder drooped and she began to shiver slightly.

“Shit,” muttered Isak under his breath. “Lea, I’m sor…” He began to apologize but he was interrupted by Eskild’s booming voice.

“Well, well, what do we have here? A grumpy teen boy! Lea, you break my heart. You really wanna ditch me for this nasty teenage boy? Come on, let’s go watch Frozen, what do you say?”

Lea turned towards Eskild who was now kneeling down to be face to face with her. She stared at him with wide eyes, chewing on her lower lip. She slowly began to nod in agreement.

“You like that? yeah? Tell you what. We can have popcorn and you can put anything you want on it, too.”

“Chocolate?” She asked quietly.

“Sure! And tomato sauce and whatever else you like! Sounds good?” Lea had begun to calm down once again. She barely fought the small smile tugging at her lips as she nodded again and grabbed Eskild’s hand as he led her away. Eskild kept on talking with Lea as he flashed a pointed glance towards Isak and closed the door behind them.

Isak felt horrible.

"Wow."

“Shit, I’m a terrible brother.”

“Hmm, I wouldn’t leave _my_ kid with you as a sitter, if I had a kid,” said Eva.

“Thanks, Eva,” said Isak, sarcasm dripping from his words.

“No problem,” Eva took it in stride. “Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love. What about Sara? You guys used to hook up all the time.”

Ugh, no.

“She’s not really my type,” said Isak in a tight voice.

“Was she your type when you were shoving your tongue down her throat in school that day…?”

“Ugh! Eva! Stop! No!”

“And then she put her hands in your hair and…” Eva went on, mischief twinkling in her eyes.

“NO! Stop! Ugh” Isak tried to put his hand over Eva’s mouth and stop her but she shoved him away and went on, laughing.

“ _’oh Isak, you’re the best kisser in the world!’_ ” she mimicked Sara’s voice rather terribly, still laughing as Isak began to attack her with a pillow. “Ow! Isak! Don’t run away from the truth! Sara is your destiny!”

“Noooo!” shrieked Isak as Eva grabbed the other pillow and attacked him back. They laughed and hit each other with pillows until they were out of breath.

~*~*~*~*~

To make up for his bad behavior, Isak made Lea a proper breakfast dinner; French toast and pancakes and all. Eva had left a couple hours earlier. They had both felt better after hanging out and Eva hugged him tightly before she left.

“Open yourself up to love, Isak!” she had whispered in his ear. “Sara is waiting!” She had then jumped out of his arms and skipped out before Isak could get his revenge.

Eskild had also left for a late shift at work and Linn was in her room, as usual. That left the two of them, sitting in the kitchen as Lea retold the entire plot of Frozen for Isak even though they had watched it together at least fourteen times, already.

But Isak felt too guilty about shouting at her that morning to say anything. He oohed and ahhed at the right places and watched Lea eat her greasy dinner.

“Isak, would you freeze to death to save me?”

“Sure,” answered Isak, not knowing where she was going with the question.

“Even if I had done something bad?”

“Even then. You’re my sister, Lea. Siblings look out for each other all the time.”

“How?” she asked, staring at Isak with curious eyes. Isak stared back; feeling slightly like a deer caught in the headlight.

“Well, for example, if your sister needs help with something but is too shy to ask you and you know they need help, you can offer help even if they don’t ask first. Do you want me to help with that?” He came up with that ridiculous example as a distracted Lea, too immersed in Isak’s speech, had poured chocolate syrup on her shirt instead of her pancake.

“Oh! yes?” She replied. She touched the stained shirt and made a face as she looked up at Isak helplessly. Isak tried hard not to laugh as he got up to help her.

“We keep this between us, Isak. No one can know I poured chocolate on my shirt!”

“Cross my heart, Lea. Cross my heart!”

~*~*~*~*~

The rest of the weekend went by smoothly. Isak spent Sunday studying and doing homework and finally got some well-deserved rest. He wished he could telepathically give some of the good vibes to his locker which as usual was stuck and refused to open.

As a last resort, Isak took a few steps back and then with all the energy he could muster, hit his locker with his right shoulder. However painful, the technique worked and Isak ignored the dirty looks around him to happily collect his books. Just then he saw Even. He smiled, giving a small wave.

“Hi, Even,” he said but Even didn’t even glance at him and stormed out of the hallway. Isak dropped his hand, embarrassed.

 _I guess he only remembers second years when he’s high,_ he thought. He stared after the retreating Even, trying very hard not to blush.

“Bo!” the quiet voice came an inch away from his ear. Isak’s heart stopped as he jumped, startled. He turned around to find a smirking Sana standing behind him.

“Jesus Christ, Sana!” Sana shrugged.

“The opportunity called for it, Isabel.”

Isak leaned against the locker and breathed slowly to calm his fast beating heart. “Well, I suppose you didn’t just stop by to scare me half to death, did you?”

“Nope,” said Sana. “I came to drop the Biology project but you were too busy looking sadly after Even.”

“I wasn’t,” said Isak, holding his hand up in protest. “I wasn’t looking sadly after him. I said hi and he just bolted away.”

Sana nodded. “I wouldn’t take it personally. He just broke up with his girlfriend of four years! Can you imagine?”

Why was everyone breaking up around, Isak? Was it some kind of curse?

Isak raised an eyebrow in question. “And you know all this because…?”

“He’s friends with my brother,” Sana said with a nonchalant shrug. Isak didn’t know that. Then again, he barely knew anything about his biology partner. They hadn’t exactly started on the best terms but she was smart and Isak viewed her as a worthy adversary and respected her. Best to have his competition close!

“Anyway, here is the project. You better not fuck up your half of this project. I want a perfect six for this.”

“ _I_ fuck it up? Have you met me? Please! I hope you didn’t fuck up your half!”

“I didn’t.”

“We will see, Sanasol…we’ll see.” Sana rolled her eyes and turned to walk away.

“See you in class, Isabel!”

~*~*~*~*~

The rest of the week was a blur. Isak was busy with exams and projects and dividing his time between his best friends who didn’t seem to have any intention of getting back together anytime soon. Isak tried really hard not to show how panicked he was that his safe place was in such jeopardy but the stress showed up in sleepless nights and sporadic panic attacks.

For instance, that Tuesday evening, his father took him for a driving lesson (That Isak didn’t want at all, thank you very much) and he had almost passed out in fear when his father suggested they actually drive around Oslo for a bit.

By Thursday morning, he had begun to move in slow motion. He just wanted to sleep. He had almost nodded off in Chemistry and Sana had to pinch him to wake him up.

“Was the pinch necessary?” he whispered back. “Couldn’t you just, I don’t know, call my name once?”

“I tried,” Sana answer back in the same manner. “I even nudged you twice! _Twice_!”

So when he saw Pchris in the toilets while washing his hands, he thought he was hallucinating. Then Chris walked over to him and said the words that could have only come out of Isak’s worst nightmares.

“Listen, I just wanted to say that I’m really flattered but you know I’m straight, right?”

“Um, you came to school then followed me into the bathroom to say this? Is this a prank?” asked Isak.

“I don’t know, is it? Because if it is, then I’m sorry, forget I said anything but if it’s not, it’s still cool! I’m totally cool with gay people. Like I have a gay cousin and we are very close. But not too close? You get me?”

“Chris, what are you talking about?” Isak shook his head. This made no sense. This couldn’t be happening. Nobody knew.  

“The letter? The one you sent me?”

The whole scene happened like a slow-motion film in Isak’s eyes. Chris reached into his back pocket and took out a very familiar looking envelope. He was still talking but Isak couldn’t hear him anymore. His vision tunneled as he watched the blue envelope get closer and closer to him. On the back in Isak’s curly handwriting was written: “Christopher Schistad”.

It couldn’t be. No way. This wasn’t happening. He was dreaming. He must have fallen asleep in class again. Why wouldn’t Sana wake him up?

_Pinch me._

“What?”

“Pinch me!”

“Um,” Chris shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Look I’m not gonna tell anyone. I promise. So don’t panic, okay? It’s cool, bro!” He raised his hand, stopped twice on its way until he slowly patted Isak on the shoulder twice and retreated his hand again.

He was no help, Isak decided and pinched himself. Hard. He felt it alright but didn’t wake up.

“This isn’t happening,” he whispered. He was going to be sick. Chris kept on babbling on but Isak didn’t stop to listen to more. He grabbed the letter and rushed out of the bathroom to his locker.

“Hey! Stop! Isak!” He didn’t stop.  

For once he prayed that his locker wouldn’t play games with him and open easily. It opened and it did so a little too enthusiastically and hit Isak square in the nose.

This was not his day. He held his nose with one hand as he shoved the letter deep in the bottom of his locker and smashed it shut. His nose throbbed but thankfully there was no blood. He needed to breathe. He needed to breathe calmly and this would all go away. This wasn’t real.

He was still staring dazedly at the number on his locker when he realized someone was calling his name. He turned around slowly and it was Even.

No. Not again. Even seemed to realize Isak wasn’t in the best condition because he kept quiet and just stared back at Isak, too many questions swimming in his eyes. Isak wasted no time in looking down at Even’s hand, which he was holding slightly far from himself. Sure enough, another blue envelope was there. This time the name “Even Bech Næsheim” shining on it.

“I,” Even started to say but stopped. He took a deep breath as if collecting air in his lungs would help. “I think this belongs to you?” He said but it came out as a question.

This was actually happening. If Even had his letter too that meant…

Everyone would know. No. Not everyone. It was worse. Jonas would know. God! _Jonas would know._

Somewhere is a storybook somewhere, some idiot had decided that disasters had to come in three. So it was only logical that Isak heard Jonas’s voice from across the hallway at that moment, as he called Isak’s name.

“Isak?”

He didn’t need to look to know that Jonas was definitely holding another blue envelope but he did anyway. Then he looked back at Even.

Jonas and then Eva. They could never know. They couldn’t ever learn about his feelings for Jonas. He didn’t have much time to decide on a plan. He had to do anything he could to keep Jonas from thinking Isak was in love with him. Even if it came at the cost of everyone knowing he was gay.

The letters were out. The secret was all over the air and just as you can’t collect spoken words from the air, there was no way for Isak to collect his secret and shove it back in his closet.

It was out.

 _He_ was out.

So he did the only thing he could think of. He would have to apologize later. Consent is important but not-dying comes slightly first.

He turned back to Even who was still eyeing Isak with concern. He opened his mouth perhaps to ask if Isak was alright, but he never got to say anything as Isak grabbed the back of his neck and smashed their lips together in a clumsy kiss.

This was the first time Isak was kissing another boy.

Even’s lips were softer than expected. It contrasted the scratching feeling of his stubble. Everything went quiet. Isak wondered if everyone in the hallway had stopped what they were doing to gawk at them. He wondered if they were judging him. His hands began to shake. Just then Even responded. Capturing Isak’s lower lip between his, anchoring him back to something steady and calm. He was holding his breath but somewhere deep inside, he had just taken in the air for the very first time.

Slowly then Even began to push Isak back. Isak let him go easily and settled back on his own two feet. The noise returned. Isak looked away from Even to glance at everyone around him. No one was looking at them. Everyone was busy with their own conversations and their own friends.

“Get a room!” someone called from across the hallway but that was it. Nobody even acknowledged that quip. He looked over at Jonas who had stopped in the middle of the hallway and looked over at Isak with a level of confusion that made his curly hair look like a thousand question marks.

He had bought it. Isak sighed in relief and finally turned back to Even. Even looked shaken and so confused. Clearly, he was too shocked to actually process what had just happened.

“I’m sorry. I am so very sorry,” said Isak as fast as he could. He shifted out from beneath Even’s hands on his shoulder and ran.

He couldn’t stay there anymore.

The letters were out. And so was Isak.

 

~~~~~***~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you guys liked this chapter. Let me know what you thought? Yay? Nay?  
> Once again you can reach me on my Tumblr @ acorpseofthornsandroses or here!


	3. Chapter 3:The letters are out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it seems I'm really bad at not updating! I just hope the streak stays the same moving forward!  
> Hello, Skam fandom! I hope you are having a great day!  
> Here is the third chapter! I'm really nervous about this one because I had to rewrite a lot of it and I wrote three different version of a certain scene before I settled for one. I hope you guys enjoy it. I'm really self-conscious about writing dialogue. Nobody tells you how hard it can be! But let me tell you, it's HARD!  
> Anyway, I spent the week, catching up on Skam remakes, I really love Skamnl. I love how Isa is always eating something! Which one is your favorite? Are you even watching any of the remakes? Let me know it the comments!  
> I want to thank everyone who left kudos or commented. I love you all. Thank you so much. They mean everything to me and they keep me motivated to write!  
> I'll stop talking now! Hope you like this chapter!

 

“I want to say yes, but I don't want to be with a boy whose heart belongs to somebody else. Just once, I want to be somebody else's first choice”  
― Jenny Han, To All the Boys I've Loved Before

 

The letters are out!

As much as Isak wanted to crawl into bed and hide under the blankets and stay there forever, he still had to check his box of letters first. Maybe it wasn’t _his_ letter Jonas was holding. Maybe it was just a random letter that happened to look exactly like Isak’s letter.

He ran all the way to the kollektive. His lungs were burning. He could taste blood in each labored breath he took in but still he didn’t stop. He didn’t give himself enough time to actually process what had happened in school. If he stopped to think about it, he was afraid he would fall down and stay there like a broken vase.

So instead, he ran all the way home and up the stairs and barged into the apartment like a man on the run. He slammed the door shut and leaned against it.

Eskild and Linn looked up from the sofa, shocked to see him home so early. Isak was panting and sweating and guarding the door as if his life depended on it.

“Everything alright, Isak? Why are you home so early?” asked Eskild. His words spoken softly and slowly as if Isak was a scared kitten and talking any louder would scare him away.

“I…I forgot something! Excuse me!” replied Isak before bolting once again and rushing to his room.

He tripped over his own feet in his rush to get to his closet. He fell on his knees in front of the closet and began rummaging at the back of it, amongst old socks and broken knick-knacks. Then he saw it. Right in the middle of all the crap was a square-shaped gap where an old shoebox used to be. His heart sank. This was happening. His letters were out. Somehow they were out.

How?

Did he accidentally bring the box out? Had someone taken it? Who? Why?

He ran back to the living room.

“Have you guys been in my room?” He asked, trying really hard to keep the accusation out of it.

“Of course we have! Multiple times! You’re there! I wake you up every day, Isak! What’s wrong?”

“Have you seen an old shoe box? It’s not where it should have been.”

“I don’t know, Isak. Noora and I were cleaning up last week,” said Eskild. “We threw out a bunch of old boxes. Maybe it got mixed with those? Was it important? Can we replace it?”

No, there was no replacing them. Isak shook his head. He must have left it out when he looked at it two weeks ago. He remembered now how he told Noora about the junk he wanted to throw out last week.

“It’s right next to my closet,” he had told her.

His legs were giving out beneath him. He gripped the wall and leaned against it.

“Isak, do you want me to help you look for it? Maybe a set of fresh eyes can help,” Eskild offered kindly but Isak shook his head.

“No, it’s really gone. It can’t be anywhere else,” he said. Linn and Eskild stared at him with concern. Everyone stayed quiet and Eskild despite looking like he wanted to get up and come over to Isak, stayed put as Isak shuffled back to his room.

He couldn’t go back to school. Not today, not ever. This was a disaster and it was all his fault. He got into bed, still wearing jeans and a snapback, and pulled the comforter up to his nose. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about what had happened.

He felt like crying but crying would only mean he had to admit something had happened and he wasn’t ready for that.

But it wouldn’t go away. The events of the day were etched at the back of his eyes and the harder he tried to forget, the more persistently they appeared in front of his eyes.

Jonas, looking betrayed and holding the letter. Isak kissing a boy. At school. In front of everyone. And Jonas.

He pulled the comforter all the way over his head. His hands were shaking and tears were forming at the corners of his eyes. He squeezed them shot and shook his head. This couldn’t be happening. And yet, it had already happened. He had to admit things now. Things he had a hard time accepting himself.

He was gay.

He liked boys.

He wasn’t attracted to girls.

And he had been lying about it for years.

He was in love with his best friend, even though he had tried so hard to forget about him.

Because Jonas belonged with Eva. They were meant for each other. Isak knew this and he was fine with it because he loved them both so much that their happiness made him happy.

Now that his secret was out, he just had to make sure Jonas didn’t think he was actually in love with him. Because if Jonas or Eva or god-forbid, both of them learned of his feelings then there was no chance their trio would ever be back to the way it was before.

Chris said he wasn’t going to tell anyone and Isak believed him. Alex wasn’t even in the country anymore so at least one letter was a bust.

That left Julian, Even and Jonas. Fuck.

Isak would have to talk and explain things to Even and Julian and he’ll just tell Jonas it was a joke. Hopefully, he would believe him.

He should have thought of that this morning. Then he wouldn’t have outed himself by kissing Even.

Oh god.

He kissed Even. _Even._ The new kid. The cool one. The Bakka guy. _His_ Bakka guy.

Who had just broken up with his girlfriend.

This was a mess. Even Isak could see that.

“Shit,” he whispered in the dark cocoon of his blanket.

~*~*~*~*~

For the next few hours, Isak drifted between crying in a haze and falling into fitful bouts of unconsciousness. Eskild came to check up on him a few times. He put a hand on his shoulder over the blanket and asked if he needed anything. He brought him water and food and tried to calm him down even though he didn’t know why he was comforting him.

If there was anyone he could tell all this to it was Eskild. He knew what to do. He would help. Isak would have to talk to him but he wasn’t ready yet. Tomorrow. He would tell Eskild what had happened and he’ll have some very good advice about getting thrown out of the closet.

Isak finally emerged from his cocoon and drank a bit of water and ate the sandwich Eskild had made him when the hunger became too much to handle. It was just around the time school would have finished. He had just finished eating when the doorbell rang. Isak froze. He bolted to the window and looked out.

Of course, it was Jonas. Why not? It had to be the one person Isak wasn’t ready to speak to at that moment. He rushed out to tell Eskild not to buzz Jonas in but even as he did so he could already imagine Eskild answering the door and telling Jonas to come up.

Which was exactly what happened.

“Jonas is here,” said Eskild when he saw Isak come out of his room. Isak shook his head and rushed to the door to get his shoes from the shoe rack.

“Tell him I’m out and you don’t know where I went, okay?”

“Huh? Why? Where are you going? Isak?”

“If I don’t tell you where I’m going, technically you won’t be lying, right? Just tell him I left a while ago. I’ll leave from the back door.” Isak left before Eskild could protest.

It was only when he was finally out of the house and had begun to wander the streets aimlessly that he realized he had nowhere to go. He couldn’t go home to his parents. His father lived out of the city and his mother was at a caring center.

He would normally escape to Jonas’s in these kinds of situation (not that this situation was anything like the normal dramas of Isak’s life) and that was not an option for obvious reasons. He didn’t have the guts to face Eva or the boys either. What if they had heard about him kissing Even that morning and would ask him about it?

Just then, his phone began vibrating in his pocket. Assuming it must be Jonas, Isak ignored the text and turned his phone off before he kept on walking.

It wasn’t yet cold but Isak had spent too long wrapped in his warm comforter and the chill in the air was bothering him. He made his way to Kaffebrenneriet. He had gone there with Sana a couple times and it had become their usual meet-up place to do school projects. He settled down at a table at the back with his apple tea, hugging the mug between his hands to preserve the warmth. He watched people go about their business all around him. They all seemed so ordinary, none of them had the rug yanked from beneath their feet, today. He poured a packet of sugar into his tea and began to stir as he watched a customer spill his coffee on his book. The guy cursed before furiously dabbing away at the coffee. Just then, a body blocked Isak’s view.

Initially, he didn’t realize just how close the person was standing to him. In fact, the person blocking his view was standing immediately in front of his table and when he looked up at them, he realized just why that was.

Even Bech Næsheim stood in front of Isak, smiling kindly as usual and holding his own cup of tea.

“Is this seat taken?” asked Even, gesturing to the empty chair across Isak. Isak stared up at him, in disbelief. Even didn’t wait for Isak’s reply and sat down before Isak could collect his thoughts and protest. He settled down with a sigh and put what Isak could see was actually coffee on the table. Isak’s left eye twitched.

“Are you following me?” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

“What?” Even looked up, his eyes wide. “No! I’m not following you!” He shook his head and looked back down at his drink, smiling. Isak felt heat crawl up his neck.

What had he been thinking? Why would Even follow him, anyway?

He quickly raised his cup of tea to his lips, trying to cover his red face and blaming it on the heat of the drink.

“Or, maybe a little? I did kind of ask Sana and she said I might find you here?” Even made a face and smiled sheepishly at Isak. Isak stared back at him over the steaming cup of tea and frowned.

“Why?” he asked.

“I wanted to talk to you,” replied Even, taking a sip of his drink. “You seemed a bit… preoccupied this morning so we didn’t really end up talking about the love letter you sent me-”

“I didn’t send that and it wasn’t a love letter,” Isak interrupted Even. He didn’t want Even walking around, thinking he had done that on purpose.

“Pretty sure that was a love letter,” said Even, slowly nodding his head as Isak violently shook his.

“No it wasn’t, I’d know! I wrote it!”

“Okay now we’re going off topic again and frankly as much as this morning was fun, I think we should talk before someone kisses someone else out of nowhere again!” said Even. Isak stopped protesting and closed his mouth so hard his teeth hurt. He looked down at his hands.

“yeah, sorry about this morning,” he said quietly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Even waved Isak’s apology away. “Can I ask you about the letter now or will you kiss me again?” he asked smirking.

“I won’t kiss you again, go on,” replied Isak, pouting like a chastised kid.

“Look, I thought your letter seemed very private so I understand if you didn’t mean to send it and it’s all good. I also thought it was very cute but I just got out of a serious relationship and I’m still not over my ex so I’m really touched but this really isn’t a good time for me, okay?”

“You are letting me down gently,” said Isak, all of a sudden realization hitting him. “Oh, my god! It’s fine! Really! You don’t need to!”

“Are you sure? The kiss…”

“No, look,” Isak paused and took a deep breath. “Look, there was someone else there who got a letter and I kissed you so they wouldn’t think I liked them, okay?”

“There’s more than one letter?” Asked Even, his eyes widening.

Isak hesitated: “Yes?”

“And here I was thinking I was so special, getting a real love letter like I’m Fanny Browne,” said Even, gesturing wildly with his hand. He hit a woman walking past who turned to give Even a dirty look which Even ignored as he apologized.

“Who’s Fanny Browne?” asked Isak when Even turned back towards him again.

“You don’t know who Fanny Browne is? Who doesn’t know Fanny Browne?”

“The real question is who knows who Fanny Browne is!”

“She was betrothed to John Keats? Bright Star? Nothing?” said Even, pointedly as if any of those things might mean something to Isak. When Isak continued to stare blankly at him however he shook his head and went on: “Doesn’t matter! How many love letters were there anyway?”

“Four and they’re not love letters, okay? They’re … goodbye letters. For when I don’t want to like anyone anymore so you see, I don’t want to date you. I don’t even have a crush on you and you don’t need to give me the ‘no homo’ speech, okay?”

“I wasn’t going to give you the ‘no homo’ speech. That would be very hypocritical of me,” said Even. He made a sound between a laugh and a cough and went quiet. Isak resisted asking his next question for all of two seconds before he blurted it out anyway.

“Why hypocritical?”

“Because I’m pansexual?” asked Even, grimacing.

“Are you telling me or asking me?”

“No, I’m telling. Of course! I’m pansexual,” replied Even, shaking his head and chuckling under his breath. Isak nodded. He made a mental note to search “Pansexual” when he got home, later.

“So who is the guy you kissed me for?” asked Even again. He frowned. “Does that sentence sound weird to you too or is it just me?”

Isak ignored the second question and shook his head. “I’m not telling you!”

“Why not?”

“Why would I?”

“Well, I did help you trick the guy! I’m kind of already a part of your drama, anyway!”

Isak shivered and stared down into his cup. He had a point.

 “My best friend, Jonas, got a letter too and I didn’t want it to get weird between us, because I definitely don’t like him like that and it would be awkward. I mean he doesn’t even know I’m gay so he’ll totally freak out if I drop two bombs like that on him. So like now if he thinks I like you it’ll all be fine and no one gets hurt,” Isak closed his mouth and pressed his lips. He was babbling. He needed to be stopped.

“Jonas? The guy with the bushy eyebrows?” asked Even, frowning as realization dawned on his face.

“Yes, and I’d really appreciate your discretion,” replied Isak, pointedly.

“Really? Him?”

“Um, excuse me? What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing! It’s just…” Even trailed off.

“What?”

“I just think you can do better.” Said Even with a shrug.

“Jonas is a real catch, you know!” Said Isak, perhaps a little too loudly. He looked around to see if anyone had heard him but no one was paying any attention to them.

“Yeah and you are obviously over him.” said Even, taking a noisy sip of his coffee. Isak breathed through his clenched teeth. Frustrated, he leaned closer to Even.

“That doesn’t matter because Jonas was dating my other best friend until a week ago and it can never happen because they belong together!”

Suddenly, Even’s manners changed. His cocky smiles softened and the shadow of a grimace fell on his face. He was pitying Isak. He thought Isak was sad and pathetic and they hadn’t even got to the closeted gay part.

“I still think you can do better,” said Even eventually before leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. Isak shook his head. He was ready to get out of there as soon as he finished drinking his tea.

“It’s not about that, he’s straight anyway but I-” Isak started to say before Even interrupted him.

“I have a proposition for you,” he leaned forward. There was a mischievous gleam in his eyes. Isak could practically see the gears turning in his head. “What if I pretend to be your boyfriend?”

Isak choked on his last gulp of tea, almost spat the whole thing in Even’s face but thankfully Even dodged on time. Isak stared at Even in terror. Actual, honest terror.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, incredulous.

“No, listen! It’s actually a good idea! See, this way, Jonas won’t find out that you like him and it won’t be awkward for you then we can break up later and say it didn’t work out. And since we both know we don’t like each other, it won’t be awkward! It’ll be like nothing.”

“What’s in it for you?” asked Isak, narrowing his eyes.

“Helping a fellow human being in distress?” said Even, shrugging innocently.

Isak wouldn’t buy it and kept on staring back at Even with narrowed eyes until he gave in.

“Okay, fine. Maybe I think my ex will also get jealous if she hears about this and she’ll want to get back together.”

“That’s sad, Even.”

“Says the guy who wrote me a love letter.”

“Not a love letter.”

“Sure.”

They sat in silence, once again challenging each other with subdued glares but Isak was tired of this game. He shook his head and got up.

“No.”

“ _No_?”

“No,” said Isak, putting on his jacket. “Thanks for the offer but I would rather not.”

“Are you sure? You won’t change your mind?”

“No, I’m sure. Thanks but no thanks.” Even gave another shrug.

“Alright but the offer stand. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

Isak nodded once and made his way out of the coffee shop.

~*~*~*~*~

When Isak got home, the lights were off and everything was quiet. Eskild must have gone to work and god only knew what Linn was up to. Isak went straight back to his own room. Plopping down on his bed, he took out his phone and turned it back on. The text was from Sana.

Sana

_Hey, you left early. Everything okay? I took notes for you._

Isak bit his lip. He wondered if the gossip had gotten to Sana, yet. Could she have messaged him to find out about it all? Doubtful. Sana wasn’t a gossipy person. She wouldn’t listen to that stuff anyway.

Isak

_I didn’t feel good. I’m going to stay in tomorrow too. Thanks for the notes. I’ll get them later_

Sana

_No problem. I’ll get you notes for tomorrow, too._

Isak

_Thanks, Sanasol._

Sana

_No problem, Isabel._

Isak smiled. And put his phone away.

~*~*~*~*~

There was a knock on Isak’s door before Eskild’s head appeared in the threshold.

“Hey, Isak! You feeling better today?”

Isak looked up from the homework he was reading and smiled.

“Better, thanks.”

“Can I come in?” asked Eskild, rather shyly which was odd for him. Isak nodded.

“Come on in.”

Eskild settled on the edge of the mattress, his long legs stretched in front of him.

“Do you want to talk about it? And don’t say nothing happened because you look like something has happened.”

Isak huffed and closed his mouth, swallowing the protest at the tip of his tongue.

“Um, something did happen,” he said slowly. Eskild nodded his head, encouraging him to go on. So Isak did. He told him about the letters and about Pchris showing up at school and kissing Even. He did, however, keep the bit about Jonas a secret. And his conversation with Even the day before.

“So, I guess I like guys. I guess or whatever.”

Eskild who had stayed quiet that whole time, finally spoke.

“Isak, I’m so sorry about what happened. I wish I could help with that but you know it’s okay to be gay right?”

“I’m not gay though?”

“That’s okay too. You don’t have to choose a label. Just go at your own pace.”

“I don’t know. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I just,” he paused, staring down at his clasped hands. “I just didn’t expect to have to deal with all this so soon. I thought I still had time.”

“Sometimes, a push is what we need. Don’t get me wrong, it’s terrible that you were forced out like this but now that it has happened, you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Remember that and just explore things at your own pace from now on. I’m also here if you ever need anything. Questions, condoms.”

“Oh my god, Eskild!”

“Just remember, condoms are not just for not getting pregnant. STDs are real, they are out there and they want to get you. Pulling out is not protection!”

“Please Stop!”

“Fine! But all jokes aside, I’m here for you, okay?”

Isak nodded. “Thanks, Eskild.”

“No problem, Isak. You can call me Guru Eskild from now on! I’m like a guru. But for gays!”

“Oh, my god.”

That night, Linn didn’t join them for dinner so it was just Isak and Eskild. Eskild kept on giving advice to Isak at every other moment.

He would go: “As your advice guru, I think you should…” and then went on to say something random like “hand me the ketchup!” or “wash the dishes.”.

It was Isak’s turn to decide what to watch so they were watching “Die hard” for the fifth time but Eskild didn’t protest. He did, however, make a comment about how it showed who Lea had taken after in her movie rewashing habits. Despite loving the movie, Isak couldn’t concentrate on the movie. He kept thinking back to yesterday and all the things that had happened.

“Eskild?”

“Hmm.”

“Do you think I should tell the girls?” asked Isak, still looking at the screen. Eskild gave him a lingering glance.

“Not if you don’t want to.”

“I think I do,” said Isak. “It’ll be practice for Monday? When I tell the boys?”

Eskild nodded. “okay, yeah. That’s good. I can be there. As moral support.”

“Thanks, Eskild.”

“No problem, Isak.”

~*~*~*~*~

Noora had come over before Isak was even awake. She had started to vacuum the living room which was the sound Isak woke up to. When Isak finally got out of his room, Noora had Eskild dusting and Linn was unhappily taking the laundry for washing. Soon, Noora had harassed Isak into cleaning the kitchen.

By noon, they were all exhausted both from cleaning and from nagging about cleaning. They were all lying around the living in various stages of rest. No one quite in the mood for eating.

“I’m so hungry, but the thought of actually going to the kitchen is so exhausting that it kills my appetite,” said Eskild. Linn grunted in agreement.

Isak was lying down on the rug, in front of the coffee table. He had been looking for a good time to tell the girls but they had been all over the place all morning. This was the first time all day, that they were all in the same place and no one was occupied with cleaning. It was the perfect time; with everyone exhausted and bitten down. He sat up.

“Guys? I wanted to tell you something,” Everyone gave him a sideway glance but they hardly moved except for Eskild who suddenly forgetting about his exhaustion, got up and came to sit beside Isak.

“Girls! Get up! Isak wants to say something!” said Eskild, clapping his hands. Linn groaned but Noora dragged her into a sitting position and they settled down across Isak and Eskild on the couch.

“Okay, go on Isak. What’s up?” asked Noora. Isak swallowed the lump clogging his throat.

“Um, I guess I like guys? So I think I’m a little gay maybe. Something happened so everyone is gonna know but I wanted to tell you guys first,” He looked up at the girls. They stared back blankly. “That was it.”

Linn shrugged. “Great, Isak. Can I lie back down now?”

“This is great guys,” said Noora in a much louder volume and faster pace than Isak had expected. “This is now the gayest flat in all of Oslo!”

“What? Why?” Isak frowned, confused.

“You know because Eskild is gay and Linn is lesbian and I’m bisexual; now you are gay too! We’re all gay.”

“But you don’t live here,” said Isak. Noora was bisexual? Linn was a lesbian? How had Isak never noticed before?!

“Isak! Don’t be rude,” said Eskild, batting Isak’s arm.

“I’m not being rude, It’s true! She doesn’t live here.”

“Well, she can if she wants to.”

“I mean, sure, but-”

“YAY to the gayest flat in all of Oslo!” cheered Eskild.

“I’ll drink to that,” replied Linn.

“Drink responsibly,” added Noora with a nod.

~*~*~*~*~

With the success of finally telling Eskild and the girls, Isak was slightly more confident in facing Jonas. Except, when he finally spotted Jonas standing in front of his locker, his heart began to beat faster and his palms got sweaty. Somehow, the weekend he had spent at home made everything seem like a dream. In the impersonal hallways of Nissen, among the lockers and the other students, however, everything became real. He had a mind to run away again. Everything was easier to digest from the comfort of his bed.

He shook his head and started walking toward Jonas. It was now or never. He had to do this and the longer he avoided it, the less believable his denial would be.

“Hi,” he said to the back of Jonas’s head. Jonas stiffened before turning around.

“Hi!” said Jonas, dragging the word out unnecessarily. “How are you? You missed classes on Friday and you didn’t answer my calls.”

“Family emergency. Mom needed my help, I had to leave early,” Isak lied easily. He had practiced this part. Jonas nodded in understanding.

“Anything I can help with?” asked Jonas.

“No, not really. It’s all good now, but thanks,” replied Isak. He smiled the reassuring smile he had perfected that morning. Jonas nodded again and stared down at his shoes. He started to say: “Look, there was-” before Isak interrupted him.

“Did you get a letter from me by any chance?” Jonas looked up, his eyes wide as if _he_ was the one who had been caught doing something wrong.

“Yeah, about that I-”

“Jesus! Eskild and his jokes! Okay, here’s the deal. We did this dare thing last week and Eskild took it too far. He said he would send you a love letter but I didn’t take him seriously then yesterday he was like ‘hey! I did that and I signed your name, haha!’ and I was so mad at him but yeah, anyway. That was a joke. It wasn’t real. Just ignore it!”

“Yeah?” asked Jonas, chuckling. “Okay! Cause I saw you with that guy Even on Thursday…?”

“Oh?” asked Isak, acting surprised.

“Yeah. So what’s up with that?”

“Yeah,” Said Isak, biting his lip. “I may be slightly gayer than initially planned?” Jonas stared back at Isak, his expression blank. The seconds went by as Isak felt his sense of optimism shrivel and die. He was a heartbeat away from running again when Jonas spoke again.

“That’s cool, Isak. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I mean, I thought it was weird when I saw you with Even at the party the other week but I didn’t guess you might be dating. You know you could have told me, Right?”

“Right,” said Isak, trying to buy himself some time. This was not going how he had imagined it. “Yeah, it wasn’t a thing back then really and he had a girlfriend back then so we weren’t sure what was up and I was so confused. I mean _so_ confused. I’m really sorry, bro. I should have told you sooner.”

“That’s okay. I’m happy for you! I’m glad you have someone. You should properly introduce us, sometime.”

“oh yeah! I’m gonna do that as soon as possible. Fuck it, yeah!”

“Yeah!” said Jonas, nodding.

“Yeah!” repeated Isak, nodding back.

They stood there, nodding in silence until Isak broke the spell.

“Well, I really should get going,” said Isak as he stepped away. “I have something I need to do before class. See you around?”

“Yeah around or at lunch?” asked Jonas as Isak began to walk backward and away from him.

“Yes, right. Lunch! See you then!”

The moment he was outside of the hallway; he ran out to the courtyard. He had seen Even hang out with his friends there before a couple of times and sure enough, there he was; sitting at one of the benches and chatting with a few third-year guys. Isak didn’t hesitate, he walked right up to him. He knew if he stopped to think about it, he wouldn’t do it. So instead, he tried to turn his brain off and walk on. He was only five steps away when Even noticed him and stopped laughing, almost anticipating Isak’s arrival.

“Fuck it,” muttered Isak under his breath before he grabbed Even’s collar and kissed him. Again.

The courtyard went quiet once more as all Isak could feel was Even’s heartbeat against his palms. His own heartbeat drummed a battle march in his ears. He stepped back this time before Even could push him away. Even stared up at him, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open. Isak stood there, catching his own breath. He nodded once at Even before walked away.

They were going to do this and there was no going back now.

~~~~~~***~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the alternate name for this chapter was "The gayest flat in Oslo" but I decided to go with the letters are out, still.  
> I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought in the comments below.  
> You can reach me here or on Tumblr @acorpseofthornsandroses!  
> Bye for now!


	4. Chapter 4:Two Weeks Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Best laid plans of mice and men, am I right?  
> Hello, my dearest readers. I'm so sorry for such a suddenly late chapter! And right after I said I'll post faster!  
> I'm so sorry. Something came up in my personal life and I just wasn't emotionally and mentally at a place to write. This chapter is a teeny tiny bit longer than the others, so I hope that's a bit of a make-up for its lateness.  
> This chapter is a bit experimental. There's a lot of flashbacks and flash-forwards. I really like writing like this and I hope you enjoy it too.  
> I would love to hear from you. You can reach me here or at my Tumblr blog: acorpseofthornsandroses  
> Here is chapter four!

“I didn't fall for you, you tripped me!”  
― Jenny Han, To All the Boys I've Loved Before

 

Two Weeks Later

Two weeks later

Monday

Isak sat on the first row of benches at the revue, he had pulled his snapback down as far as he could without looking like a weirdo to avoid Eva’s glares. Isak was brave, but not brave enough to chance Eva Mohn’s wrath.

He had been coerced into attending the meeting, against his will but as the situation stood, he couldn’t afford not to. Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus had promised to show up as well but as Isak stared at his read but unanswered message in their group chat, he knew they wouldn’t show.

The initial idea had been Magnus’s. His stupid plan to get with Vilde. They had attended the first Kosegruppe meeting, after Vilde talked them into it, just to stop Magnus’s whining.

But as most things planned by Magnus did, this one had ended in a disaster. There had been a mishap with a love-exercise, a misplaced hand and accidental groping and many screams and slaps to follow…

The boys had been traumatized and Mahdi had vowed to never set foot in any theater ever again.

So why was Isak back to the crime scene, you ask?

That was another thing entirely.

~

Five days earlier

Wednesday

Sana had flopped down in the seat beside Isak and whispered: “I know about you and Even.”

Isak wasn’t very impressed. The whole school knew about Isak and Even at that point. He felt like a mild celebrity with first-year girls following him around with their eyes everywhere he went.

“Huh-uh,” He said, nonchalant. He was typing the last of his essay which was due for next period and had no time for Sana’s antiques.

“I know about the,” at this point Sana paused, looked around and leaned in and said: “the agreement.”

Isak froze, his fingers staying over the keys. He seemed to be incapable of catching a break.

“What?” he asked through his teeth.

“You heard me,” said Sana, leaning back in her chair with a satisfied smile. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. I don’t get why you’re doing this and frankly, I don’t care but I need a favor and I’m gonna cash it in.”

“You’re blackmailing me? Isn’t that a sin or something?” he asked with a frown, grasping at straws.

“I’m not blackmailing you, Isak. Get over yourself, that’s not nearly scandalous enough to be blackmail material,” Sana glared back at Isak, adjusting her scarf.

“What is this then?”

“A proposition.”

Isak had tried not to seem curious, but if Sana told Eva or god-forbid Vilde about this, Isak was done for. Bye bye Eva’s friendship and Bye bye Jonas’s.

“Go on,” he said, knowing full well that he would accept any term Sana set.

“I’ll play into your little scheme and tell any nay-sayers that You and Even had been meeting at my place for weeks if you and your friends rejoin kosegruppe.”

What Isak really wanted to ask was, what nay-sayers and what had Sana heard? But he knew that was the wrong question to ask.

“Does she still want us to join after what happened? I thought she would for sure kick us out twice more if she could.”

“No,” replied Sana, her eyebrows knitted in concern. “She blames herself, thinks no one would want to be a part of the group now because of her.”

“Oh, I can assure her it wasn’t her fault! That was _all_ Magnus,” said Isak. The more the incident replayed in his head, the surer he was of his words.

“That doesn’t matter! We still lost four members and she can’t handle that. So you need to get them to rejoin.”

~

Isak had tried to explain to Sana how impossible that would be. Mahdi still shivered in mortification at random intervals when he remembered it. Even hadn’t been there and even he wouldn’t stop teasing them about it.

“Will you stop it?” Isak had snapped at him at more than one occasion as Even had doubled over laughing.

“It’s too funny” Even usually replied, between fits of laughter, his eyes tearing up.

Still, Sana couldn’t be swayed and despite Sana’s words, Isak was still afraid she would expose them if he didn’t do as she asked. So he had agreed but he hadn’t told the boys why he wanted them to rejoin and after hours of arguing and questioning friendships and loyalties, they had agreed.

And still hadn’t shown up.

Isak shifted on the hard seat, feeling chastised and humiliated as he waited for traitors who were clearly too chicken to show up. They had left Isak here, bearing Eva’s glares and Sana’s and Vilde’s all on his lonesome.

Suddenly, his phone buzzed. He almost dropped it in his hurry to check his message but it was just Even.

Even

How is the kosegruppe meeting going? Has anyone combusted yet? Is the school flooded? Any collaterals?

Isak

Har har. Very funny Even. You are the king of comedy for sure.

Even

Aw, thanks.

Isak glared down at his phone. He imagined whacking Even over the head with it repeatedly and that calmed him down a bit.

Isak

Are you done?

Even

No! I actually want to know how it’s going

Isak

It’s not. The boys didn’t show up

Even

TRAITORS!

Isak

I KNOW!

Even

Wait, I’m gonna come right there.

Isak blinked down at his phone. He reread the message. Was this a joke? He was missing the punchline.

Isak

What?

What do you mean?

Hello?

EVEN! ANSWER ME!

No reply came back. Isak exhaled, frustrated and shifted in his seat again. He wondered if he had done anything to deserve all this?

First the letters. Now, this.

This was all because of those stupid letters…

~

Two weeks earlier

Monday

After he kissed Even in the courtyard, Isak tried his best to go about his day as per usual. He had avoided Even for the rest of the day as the rumors of him being gay slowly made their way into the student body consciousness. Naturally, Vilde was the first to ask him about it in her usual tactless and jubilant way. However, the gossip wasn’t traveling fast enough for him to get panicked. In fact, besides Vilde only two first-year girls said meaningful hellos to him and that was it.

But he knew that he needed a plan and he needed to discuss tactics with Even. They had to go about this in the least humiliating and believable way or it would all fall apart. He was hit by sudden bursts of hysteria, wondering if Even actually did want to do this then comforting himself that Even would also gain from the situation by making his ex-girlfriend jealous.

He decided to camp outside of the 3STB class when his last class ended and wait for Even. He was one of the last people coming out of class. He was laughing and talking with a classmate when he saw Isak. He stopped dead in his tracks, quickly said his goodbyes to the classmate and came over to the flustered Isak.

“So, we’re doing this, I gather,” said Even with a ghost of a smile.

Isak nodded solemnly. “Jonas thought we were dating and I kind of didn’t correct him.”

“I figured as much,” replied Even.

“Do you have time right now?” asked Isak. Even narrowed his eyes but nodded.

“Are we really going to start the deception now?” he asked Isak with an incredulous look. Isak rolled his eyes and grabbed Even’s sleeve and dragged him away.

“No, but we need a plan,” said Isak as he led Even out of school and towards the Tram station. “To figure out the rules and the dos and don’ts. So it’s believable and we need a breakup date.”

“Rules? Breakup date? Do you plan everything like this?” asked Even, shaking his head.

“Yeah, don’t you?”

By then they had reached the tram station where a Tram was already stopped.

“Sometimes, you need to swing it. Things work out naturally that way.”

“That’s a recipe for disaster, Even.” Even rolled his eyes as they got on the tram. The seats were all taken so they ended up clinging to a pole.

“Where do you want to talk?” asked Even, instead of answering Isak.

Isak thought for a moment. They might run into Sana at Kaffebrenneriet. The flat share also was another dead end. Isak wasn’t ready for Eskild to meet Even. He shook his head, distraught. “I don’t know.”

“We can go to my place. I’m pretty sure no one’s there now.”

Even had been right. The house was empty when they got there and after Even made them some afternoon snacks, they settled down on the floor to talk things over.

“First rule,” said Isak swallowing the bite of cheese toastie he was eating. “No kissing.”

Even paused with his mouth open and the toast halfway to his lips. He closed his mouth and frowned. “No kissing? Really? Who’s gonna believe we’re dating then?”

“I came out nine hours ago! No one will think it’s weird that the gay couple isn’t kissing. People don’t like to think gay people have sexual lives.”

“Well, we shouldn’t let things like that be. Normalizing gay relationships is important,” Even argued back.

“Yes, but we’re not dating. It’s all fake so it’s alright,” said Isak, gesturing around wildly. He took another angry bite of his toast before continuing. “Besides, I-I want to keep my kisses for someone I’ll actually date, someday.” He didn’t want to admit it, but he was still hoping there was a chance for him and Jonas and he didn’t want to waste all his first thrilling kisses on someone he didn’t really like instead of with the guy he was in love with.

Even snorted, shaking his head. “You kissed me. Twice, I might add.”

“So we’re not kissing anymore!” They stared back at each other in silence. Even pressed his lips and looked Isak up and down a few times before slowly nodding his head.

“Fine.”

“Good,” said Isak with a smile and a firm nod of his own.

“But then I want to add a new rule too,” said Even. Isak’s smile fell. This could be his undoing. “You’ll come with me to parties and we’ll dance and have fun.”

“I don’t dance,” Isak shook his head. He didn’t like dancing. He always felt silly doing it and he was sure everyone else would judge every move he made. That was one of the many reasons he loved hiding in the bathroom with the boys, smoking weed. “I don’t like it.”

Even’s mouth fell open. He looked at Isak as if he had just said the earth was flat. “Who doesn’t like dancing?”

“I don’t,” said Isak while trying very hard not to pout. “I look stupid when I dance.”

“That’s not true! I bet you look cute!” Isak had nothing to say in reply to that. He shook his head and stared down at his sock which looked threadbare and two washes away from a hole on its toe.

“no…” he croaked, still not looking up.

“I can teach you to dance?” said Even, bending his head to capture Isak’s gaze. Isak sat back and looked up at Even when he realized how childish and petulant he must seem to Even. He couldn’t explain why, but he really didn’t want Even to think he was a child. He wanted to seem as cool and collected as he could, considering the mess with the letters. So instead of sulking and pouting he nodded his head and said: “Fine. Rule two, we go to parties and have a good time.”

“Every party.”

“Every party? - Even, we need to study too, you know!”

“We have the whole week to study! We’re just gonna go to parties on Fridays. Sonja will be there and we used to always go to parties so she knows how much I like them. She’ll be suspicious if we don’t show up!”

“She’ll just assume you’re dating a stuck-up person.”

“Impossible! I only date cool people. Plus, that’s the only way she’ll actually see us together.” He had a point and Isak was beginning to regret this whole rules thing but he had already gotten the no kissing deal so if he had to be fair Even deserved to get his own agenda rule as well.

“Okay, fine. Every party,” he said, rolling his eyes. Even rewarded him with a huge smile, his eyes crinkling and everything. Isak swallowed and looked away. “We should write these down before we don’t forget them.” He looked around and located his backpack. He took out his biology notebook and tore out a page.

“RULES” he wrote at the top and added their two rules to it.

“Anything else?” he asked.

Two hours later, they had come up with 5 rules. The list went like this:

RULES

1.No kissing  
2\. Going to parties together (every Friday)  
3.Hanging out occasionally  
4\. DO NOT tell anyone else. NO ONE!  
5.Break up by Christmas

“I think we’ve got it now!” Isak looked proudly down at the list.

Even had tried to add a few ridiculous terms to it during their rules list, such as “must wear each other’s clothes to school” or “share the weed supply”. Isak had fought hard and heroically against those.

“You need to take this seriously,” Isak had argued to which Even had given him a very exaggerated hurt face.

“I am!” Even had replied.

“I think so too,” said Even, throwing Isak’s snapback up in the air and catching it again. “Hey! One more thing. Do you want me to write you a small note every day, maybe?”

Isak frowned, confused. “Why?”

Even shrugged and stopped throwing the snapback. “Sonja always wanted me to do it. She said it was romantic. Like little notes to make your day brighter.”

“Thanks, but I’ll pass,” said Isak with barely hidden contempt.

“Sure?”

“I’m sure, Even! I’m not a fifteen-year-old girl, I don’t want grand romantic gestures!”

“Alright,” Even held his hands up in defeat. “I can’t believe you don’t like romantic gestures! Please tell me Michael Bay isn’t your favorite director, at least.”

Isak spluttered. He might not be a movie expert but he wasn’t that hopeless. “He’s not!”

“Oh, good!” said Even, theatrically sighing in relief.

Isak glanced out of the window. It was getting dark and he had so much studying to do.

“I should get going,” he said. “I’ll see you around school then?” He got up and packed his stuff.

“Yes,” said Even, following Isak to the door. “That you will.”

~

Isak was slowly planning his escape when someone dropped heavily beside him. Isak looked up, alarmed.

“Wow, this is awkward. Is it just me or is your friend glaring at us?” asked Even as he stared back at a glaring Eva.

“What are you doing here?” Isak’s breath caught in his throat. Cold air from outside, drifted off Even. His cheeks were red as if he had run all the way there.

“I’m keeping you company,” said Even, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“But…why?” asked Isak. He couldn’t imagine Even running back to school to just hang out with him at the most awkward revue group meeting of history.

“Why not?”

Isak had soon realized, during the very first week of their fake-dating, that arguments with Even led nowhere. Neither one of them ever agreed with the other and they were both too deadest in their ways to back down. So on most occasion they would bite back at each other until they got distracted by a common goal.

The first time this happened, it was the Thursday morning after their big kiss as Even referred to it now. They had sat on the bench behind the cafeteria, arguing over pizza toppings.

“All I’m saying is, some things just don’t belong on a pizza. Like pineapples and … chocolate!” Isak said.

“Okay, but that doesn’t mean it’s a crime to try it once? I mean I would prefer to try everything in the world once before deciding if I like it or not.”

“That’s so illogical. Do you want to try murder once to see if you like it or not?”

“That’s different!”

“How?”

“we’re talking about food! Murder is a crime!”

“So is smoking weed!”

“You smoke too!”

Just then, however, Emma from first year began to walk towards them with her friend. Isak spotted her first and pointed her out to Even with a subtle nudge. They only had to share one miserable look before they bolted up and ran into the school through the busy hallways and up the stairs, laughing and pushing each other to get away first.

Emma was a bit of a fan and a very scary one at that.

 

“So, what now? You’re gonna join the group?” asked Isak, distracting Even from Eva’s burning gaze.

“Yeah. I mean, it can’t be that bad, can it?” asked Even as he looked around the room, trying to find familiar faces. Isak stared at him, incredulous.

“You’re really asking me that, after the fiasco that was the first meeting?”

Even turned back to Isak with a grimace. “Right.” They both went quiet and that was when Isak noticed it; the murmurings. It was like small invisible ants, crawling up and down his back. A few first-year girls were sitting behind them, giggling and whispering together.

It had been like that since the first day. Isak was slowly getting used to it but the discomfort lingered.

“They’re doing it again,” he said under his breath to Even.

“Doing what?” asked Even.

“The whispering thing.”

“Come on, it doesn’t have to be about us. Maybe they’re whispering over something else.”

“I can feel it! It’s about us,” said Isak, looking every bit like a mad conspirator.

Even shook his head. “The real threat here is Eva. Why does she keep glaring at us?”

Isak avoided the question, looking away and biting his nails.

~

Thirteen days earlier

Tuesday

Isak was at home, writing an assignment when Eva called him through skype. He accepted the call absent-mindedly. Eva’s face showed up on the screen.

“Hey,” He said as he wrote down some facts he had found in his notebook.

“What the fuck, Isak?” came Eva’s screeching voice. Isak jumped, startled and stared at the screen in terror.

“What?”

“A boyfriend? You have a boyfriend and you forgot to mention that to me?”

“Uh…,” he didn’t want to lie to Eva. He hated lying to Eva. It always felt like he was failing himself and disappointing her when he lied to her. For years, he had practiced dodging sore-subject questions to avoid lying to Eva. The thing was, Eva could smell a lie on Isak. She could detect it on a twitched eye or a misplaced hair lock.

“How could you not tell me? Just a week ago, I was sitting in your room, on that very bed,” she pointed behind Isak. “and making an ass of myself trying to hook you up with Sara while you’ve been getting dick for god knows how long!”

Isak sputtered. “We just got together! We weren’t together then, Eva!”

“That is no excuse!” She paused. “Okay, maybe that is a bit of an excuse but really, Isak? I thought we told each other everything. _I_ tell you everything.”

“You didn’t tell me why you broke up with Jonas,” mumbled Isak, looking down at his papers.

“What’s that?” asked Eva, narrowing her eyes.

“Nothing, I said I have to go, Eskild is calling.”

“I didn’t hear him call you.”

“Oh, he did! There he goes again! Um, why don’t we talk again later, hmm?”

“Isak! Don’t you dare disconnect now!”

“Bye, Eva! Love you too,” Isak slammed him laptop shot and sat there. He was mortified. He just slammed his laptop. In Eva’s face. Sort of.

He grimaced.

Great! Now he had to avoid Eva. Realistically, that was impossible but he was determined to try.

~

It hadn’t been easy. Eva seemed to be on the hunt for him. She had caught him, alone and excuseless after class one day and grilled her about Even. He had stuttered and dodged his way out of her questions but she was still pissed.

“We’re best friends, Isak,” she had said with a hurt tone. “You really didn’t trust me enough to tell me about yourself?” She had looked close to tears and it gutted Isak. He had swallowed hard and looked down.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you, Eva. I think I couldn’t admit it to myself for a long time, either.”

“So what changed? You meeting Even?” Eva had asked and Isak couldn’t answer her anymore. He had stared back at her, biting his lips. His throat went dry and he prayed for _something_ to interrupt them; anything. And they had been interrupted, by Chris who showed up and asked Eva to help her with something really, really important involving her boyfriend Casper.

“We’re done here, Isak,” Eva had said, threateningly. But ever since, Isak had gotten better at avoiding her and if her angry messages were any indication, she wasn’t amused by any of it.

The excuses had come easy.

_I’m with Even now._

_I’m going out with Even._

_Even is over, I’ll talk to you later!_

It was easy to dodge anyone as long as Even was a possibility on the horizon and boy was Even around! They had been hanging out a lot more than Isak had anticipated. Ever since they started this, they almost always ended up eating lunch together. 

~

6 days earlier

Tuesday

It had been raining all morning and even though it had stopped almost an hour earlier, the pavements were still wet and shiny and the air was crisp. You could still taste the rain on the wind. Isak shoved his hands in his pockets. He never wore gloves which was definitely a bad idea as all winter long he risked the possibility of frozen fingers but he couldn’t do the simplest tasks while wearing them so he was doomed to have cold hands forever.

Even was dragging them to the MacDonald’s near the school where they were to meet the boys for lunch. It was per Elias’s request that they were going for Burgers as he had gotten it into his head to order off the kid’s menu.

Isak liked Even’s friends. They were funny and dorky and very kind. They had taken Isak under their wings, from the very first time they met him. Even showed a completely different side of him when he was around them as well. He shed the cool guy façade, laughed louder than before and joked more. There was a glint in his eyes when he was with them that Isak hadn’t seen anywhere else.

From what Isak had gathered, they all met their first year at Bakka. Elias (Sana’s brother), Mikael and Mutta were media students and Even and Yousef were childhood friends. They had all became friends when Even and Mikael met in a film lab class and the rest was history.

“I’m glad Even met you,” Yousef had said to Isak the first time they met. Even hadn’t heard this. He had been busy cheering Mutta on as he and Adam had a fry-throwing contest. “he’d been so miserable these past few weeks.”

Isak hadn’t known what to say. He felt like he didn’t deserve to take credit for this. He wasn’t the person responsible for Even’s happiness nor sadness. It seemed too private a fact to share with a stranger and Isak wanted to stop Yousef from giving him any more information however he could.

“How did you two meet, by the way? Even never said,” Yousef had asked, changing the subject. Everyone else had drifted slowly to silence, wanting to hear his answer. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. They hadn’t really discussed this.

“We met at a party,” Even had lied, smoothly. Isak had looked up at him but he had stared at his friends as he delivered his story like he had rehearsed it before. “I offered him weed.”

Someone had snorted as another laughed and slammed the table.

“Of course you did!”

“Classic Even!”

“Man, you even flirt with weed!”

“Way to go, buddy!” Even had high-fived Adam before turning back to Isak. His smile had seemed to say something. It had tried to let Isak know; this was going to work.

Since then it had been all about the present. No one asked them about how they met again.

“… and then, just as she went up to him to ask him if he had seen the driver, the guy kissed her!” Even had a habit of retelling movie or book plots he really liked. Isak usually tuned him out as most of the stories he told were romances Isak despised.

“What? That’s so random! Did he even ask her if he could?” he asked, shaking his head. This movie was an exception. It had started as one of those lame pompous movies Even seemed to like so much. But then a guy had gotten stabbed and there was a dramatic fainting scene and lots of exciting historical facts and Isak had gotten interested. Before he knew it, he was interested in the romance too.

“No, he didn’t even ask,” said Even, looking back at Isak with a smirk. “The nerve!”

Isak frowned, catching the jab. “Shut up! That was different. Did she even like him?”

“Yeah, but she didn’t know it back then. She only realized it after… some other stuff happened. We’ll get to that part later.” Even bit his lip, holding back from voicing the spoilers.

“Yeah, at the pace you’re telling the story, we’ll get then next year.”

“These parts are important too, okay? And you didn’t even let me finish. Someone saw them!”

“What? Who? Oh no, it was the nosy old woman, wasn’t it? I knew it! Now everyone is gonna know!”

Even laughed as they got to MacDonald’s. Elias and Yousef were waiting outside. Elias had wrapped his arms around himself and was jumping up and down.

“Where have you been? We’ve been standing here forever. I’m now both hungry and freezing!” said Elias, giving them a stink eye.

“Why didn’t you go inside?”

“Yousef was being a baby about it. He said there was another MacDonald’s here and you might go there by mistake so we should wait here for you. And don’t even ask me why we didn’t just text you to come to this one, because I’ve been asking myself that question for the past twenty minutes too.”

Even patted his back. “Alright, buddy. Let’s get you your kids' French fries before you pass out of hunger, okay?” Elias grumbled but let Even lead him inside.

“Hi, Isak. How was school? Did you see Sana today?” asked Yousef. Isak frowned before replying.

“Hi. Yeah, we see each other every day. In class.”

Isak didn’t mention that Elias also saw Sana every day and that Yousef himself definitely also saw Sana after school a lot of days too. He wasn’t good with these things but if he was a betting man, he’d bet Yousef had a crush.

~

“Hi everyone! Welcome to the second kosegruppe meeting of this year. As you might know,” Vilde paused to stare unseeingly into the middle distance, at this point. Her smile doing a great impression of being a grimace. “… we had to end the last session a bit earlier than expected so we didn’t get a chance to choose our groups which we’re gonna do now.”

Everyone nodded around them as Sana and Eva smiled encouragingly at Vilde.

“So let’s start that. Isak. Even. I think we all know you guys are going to be a team, right?” Even just grinned and nodded back but Isak tried his best to disappear under his cap even more than before and frowned miserably as his face got warmer.

“You know, if you stop trying so hard to have a bad time, you might actually enjoy this,” said Even near Isak’s ear.

“I’m not trying to have a bad time. It happens on its own,” said Isak, trying hard not to whine.

“Could have fooled me. This isn’t really bad though. I mean, Eva is definitely glaring at us but besides that everything is fine. Loosen up, Isak! Have some fun! We’re gonna bake! It’ll be lots of fun.”

“yaaay,” said Isak in the most unenthusiastic tone possible.

~

Thirteen days earlier

Tuesday

Almost everyone knew about Isak. People he had never talked to before greeted him by name. Almost everywhere he went a pair of eyes followed him. He could feel their eyes at the nape of his neck but when he turned around, everyone was busy with their own business. He made it to his locker and through the first period before the real reason presented itself.

He joined the boys in the courtyard; hoping, perhaps naively, that they hadn’t heard anything. Mahdi was the first to spot him. He nodded his head as Isak greeted them.

“Hey boys-!” He hadn’t finished his sentence when Magnus rather unceremoniously fell on him and grabbed his collar in a death grip. Isak’s heart fell to the floor. He had expected some insensitive remarks, maybe an insult or two but he had never expected Magnus, of all people, to physically attack him.

“DUDE!” shrieked Magnus, like the premature baby chick that he was. “You’re dating the _hottest_ guy in school and forgot to mention it to me?”

Oh. So this wasn’t about the gay thing.

“Um,” was all Isak managed to say.

“I had to hear it from Elias who had heard it from Sara from first year who had heard it from a third-year guy she had hooked up with. I looked like an idiot, not knowing who my friend is dating and all. And to think you kept us from meeting him,” Magnus shook his head, slowly letting go of Isak’s collar and stared at him judgmentally.

“See now, here is Even’s cool status,” said Magnus, holding one hand stretched up above his head. “And here is our cool factor,” he kept his other hand close to his hips, and glanced meaningfully between the gap.

“That’s all he’s been talking about all morning and I blame you, Isak,” said Mahdi. Isak could practically see the pain swim in his eyes. Jonas had remained quiet throughout the entire endeavor and eyed Isak with strange curiosity.

“Sorry?” asked Isak, grimacing. “It just…happened so fast. Like one minute we’re not dating then the next, we are dating. I-I would have told you sooner but…” He trailed off, gesturing around as if to say “look around us now”.

“Yeah, about that,” said Magnus with a serious nod. “How come you get all the chick and now the guys too?”

“Magnus! We talked about this! You promised you wouldn’t ask!” said Mahdi, throwing his head back in exhaustion and begging the heavens to free him from the pain of dealing with Magnus. “We decided he might be pansexual and it’s none of our business.”

“Okay! But it’s still unfair! I can’t hook up with one human being and Isak gets everyone! Girls now guys too.”

“That’s cause you’re just too desperate, man,” said Jonas at last. “You need to be chill to be a chick magnet.”

Soon everyone was discussing Magnus’s lack of swag and Isak was left dumbfounded and speechless to navigate through the conversation.

He hadn’t expected the boys to be that unconcerned with his sexuality. He had expected questions and hard, awkward explanations that never came. It was almost too good to be true.

The illusion fell away by the time lunchtime came around and Isak had had to tolerate Magnus’s constant pestering to be introduced to Even all day long.

“Magnus, stop it! I can’t just tell him to come here.”

“Sure, you can! Just text him.”

“He’s with friends.”

“So? You’re the boyfriend!”

Jonas frowned and rubbed his temples with his point fingers. “Magnus, are you high? Where do you get all this energy from?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“I’m excited for Isak which is more than I can say for you, Mr. best friend,” said Magnus, glaring at Jonas. Suddenly his eyes went wide and he gasped. “Does Eva know? Did you tell her first?” Isak and Jonas both stiffened.

“Actually, I haven’t really talked to her yet so-”

“Hi, Isak!” The four boys looked up at once. All four were dead quiet as they stared up at the tall boy standing in front of them. Even was wearing his infamous jean jacket he had been wearing that night at the party, his sunglasses wear pushed up above his head like some kind of model. Isak felt the urge to roll his eyes and the only thing holding him back was the sheer terror of Even standing in front of his friends.

Even was standing in front of his friends.

Isak jostled back into reality with the knowledge that he had to introduce them.

“Boys, um, this is Even. Even, the boys,” he said this as he gestures frantically between his friends and Even.

Even nodded his head. “Hello, boys. Nice to finally meet you.”

“Hey, man. Jonas,” said Jonas, holding his hand out to shake Even’s. He was eyeing Even suspiciously with heavy eyes. “We met at that party last week, remember?” he asked.

“of course!" said Even with a nod and polite smile.

“Oh?” Jonas asked but both Isak and Even ignored him in favor of Even shaking Mahdi’s hand. Magnus hadn’t moved a muscle since Even showed up. He looked star-struck, which Isak thought was ridiculous. Even wasn’t _that_ popular.

“Hi,” Magnus finally whispered quietly, still holding his face in bedazzlement. Even chuckled and waved back.

“Do you boys mind if I steal Isak for a moment?” asked Even. He bit his lip as he waited for the boys to reply. The guys looked at each other before slowly nodding their head. This was new to all of them. They weren’t used to this new person who had a right to Isak, who would just show up and take their friend away. They weren’t sure they even had a sway over keeping Isak here or letting him go.

Even bestowed his brilliant smile upon them before sweeping Isak away. The boys, sat around the table, dumb-founded. What had just happened?!

Isak freed his hand from Even’s when they were a safe distance away from the cafeteria.

“What was that about?” he asked. Even stopped and turned around to face Isak.

“Are you keen on a fancy lunch ‘ _off campus’_?” he grinned at Isak’s bewildered expression as he waited for him to reply.

“Uh, where did that come from?”

“Well,” said Even, looking down and making a face. “My friends and I wanted to skip shitty school lunch and go out for lunch and I wanted to see if you would join us?”

Isak’s heart dropped to the bottom of his shoes. “Your friends? Do you want me to come? Is it allowed to go out for lunch? Where are your friends, now?” He asked question after question as a loud voice in his ear went, _no no no no no,_ over and over again. He looked behind Even, trying to locate the aforementioned friends.

“Not school friends. My friends from Bakka. They’re really nice and I want them to meet you so they can tell Sonja about it.”

Isak’s heart stopped beating double time.

Oh. So that was what this was all about.

“Right,” said Isak. “Because they are gonna tell her you’re dating someone new. Makes sense.”

“Yes, exactly!” said Even, nodding eagerly.

“Yeah, I guess I can come with. Are they really cool or weird like my friends?”

“Your friends seemed cool. No, these guys are very dorky. Get ready to be impressed!”

~

“Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?” asked Even cheerfully as he lit up a cigarette.

“That was the longest hour of my life and it couldn’t have gone slower,” replied Isak, wrapping himself more securely in his jacket.

“That was just forty-five minutes,” said Even.

“Details.”

They had sat through multiple grouping arrangements and another motivational speech by Vilde before the meeting had been over. Isak had dragged Even out of there as soon as Vilde had stopped talking.

“So what are we going to do now?” asked Even, swinging back and forth on his heels.

“Go home? Pray no one else tries to blackmail us in the next twenty-four hours?”

“What?”

“Nothing! See you tomorrow?” Isak had already said too much. He didn’t want Even to know about Sana’s threat. What if Even freaked out and broke up the whole thing now? So he had decided to bear this on his own.

“Wait!” Even held up a hand, trying to stop Isak from slipping away. “Do you want to maybe grab a bite? It’s almost dinner time and I don’t think you have dinner at the flat, do you?”

He didn’t and his brain helped by providing the image of a big, juicy kebab. His stomach growled. He couldn’t deny his hunger now. Even rose an eyebrow in challenge. “My treat?” he said.

“Okay,” said Isak. “Can we get kebab?”

“Yes, we can! Be prepared to try the best kebab in Oslo, Isak! I know just the place.”

Bislett kebab house was packed. People stood around the cozy space, clustered in small groups of four or five, laughing and talking among themselves. The smell of fried food was all around them in the air. Isak’s mouth was watering just from standing there.

“Adam recommended this place. He’s our food expert,” explained Even, leading them to the cashier.

“Smells great already!”

“Wait until you try it!”

They settled down with their kebabs and dug in. Isak was so hungry, he didn’t say another word until he was half done with his food.

“This is really good,” he said eventually, his mouth still full. Even grinned at him.

“You know, I was thinking we haven’t ever eaten together alone,” said Even. “This is technically our first date.”

Isak thought about it for a moment. Even had a point. They had either eaten with his or Even’s friends for the past two weeks. There hadn’t been any parties these past two weeks either as everyone was getting ready for the swirl of Halloween parties they were fast approaching. So this was technically the first time they had been alone together, just hanging out the two of them.

“It is!” he said in agreement.

“We should probably commit to the clichés of first-dates,” said Even, sipping his soda.

“What are those?” asked Isak as he realized embarrassingly that he had never really experienced this small-talk date situation before. He only ever used to flirt with the girls he hooked up with for a minute before their tongues were down his throat.

Even thought about it for a moment. “For example, what’s your favorite music?”

“90s hip-hop,” answered Isak almost immediately. “NWA, Nas”

“NAS? You like Nas? Me too! Oh man! He’s a legend! Illmatic?”

“Changed rap history forever,” Isak finished the sentence for Even. They grinned at each other.

“See, we’re flowing,” said Even, taking another bite of his food. His eyes crinkled. Isak found himself smiling back.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“If we were actually on a first date, then we would have had sizzling chemistry. Would date, Ten out of ten!”

“It’s just music! That doesn’t count!” Isak shook his head, laughing at Even’s logic.

“Sure it does! Flow is flow!” They continued to laugh softly together. The kebab house was less crowded now. Some tables away, someone was telling a joke loudly as their company laughed in response. Another couple was whispering sweet nothings to each other and giggling together softly. Isak and Even stared into each other’s eyes, unable to control their own wide grins.

“What film?” asked Even in a quiet voice.

“What?” Isak sat up straight. The spell broken.

“Nothing,” said Even, looking away at last.

*

That night, Isak laid in bed, thinking about baking buns, kosegruppe, French fry covered kebab and Nas. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so relaxed. If he was going to have a good night’s sleep any night this month, this was it. Still, he laid in bed and traced the light lines coming from outside, splashed on his ceiling. His phone lit up suddenly, painting the room in blue light. He picked it up. It was Even.

Even

She’s the man

Isak

Who?

Even

?

No one!

The movie I quoted?

Isak

When?

Even

Omg Isak! We really need a movie marathon! You have so much to learn

Isak

Oh no

Even

It’s happening, your lack of movie knowledge is a disgrace

I can’t have that

Now go to sleep

Movie camp starts early tomorrow morning

Isak

Goodnight Even

Even

Goodnight Isak

Isak smiled to himself as he set his phone down and shuffled in bed to get more comfortable. He closed his eyes and before he knew it, sleep took him away, his smile still on his lips.

 ~~~~~***~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! Leave a comment, tell me what you thought and I'll see you next chapter! Bye! <3


	5. Chapter 5:Rules are made to be broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know! It's been so long! I am sorry. I really wanted to write this faster. Unfortunately, Octobers are very busy for me and I ended up procrastinating a lot! Plus, my favorite scene from the story is in this chapter so I wanted to take care to write it the best that I could. I hope I'll post the next chapters sooner. Thanks to NANOWRIMO! We have two chapters left. I've already outlined them, it's unlikely the number of chapters will change but it depends on how much I'll have to write to hit my marks.  
> Let me know what you think of the story, your comments are like fairydust!  
> (Although I'm beginning to think no one really reads this notes at the start!)

“I see the difference now, between loving someone from afar and loving someone up close. When you see them up close, you see the real them, but they also get to see the real you.”  
― Jenny Han, To All the Boys I've Loved Before

 

Rules are made to be broken

 

 

The party was supposed to start at 8 but Even said they had to be fashionably late which suited Isak very well. The longer he got to procrastinate before attending the party, the better. It was a Halloween party meaning they had to wear costumes. Isak had hated the idea but Eskild said he’ll help him with his.

Isak had just begun to settle into their arrangement. Everything was going fine and he didn’t despise hanging out with Even until this party put a damper on things. Isak had already decided that he would slip out of Even’s grasp and hide in the bathroom as usual and had no intention of hanging off Even: the social butterfly’s arm all night long. Especially considering the ridiculousness of their costumes, he intended to be as far from Even as humanly possible at all times.

It had been Even’s idea. He had come up to Isak and Sana one day while they had been studying biology and suggested their costume theme.

“We can go as Romeo and Juliet from Romeo + Juliet!” He had sounded so proud of himself. Isak had gawked at him in terror before he had hurried to reply with his own resounding denial.

“No! No, we’re not!”

“Why not?” He had pouted like a child and Isak would swear his eyes had gotten all teary and Sana had glared at him, judging him for crushing Even’s dreams like that and he had no choice but to give in.

“I’m not Juliet though. No fucking way,” he had said, waving a finger threateningly in Even’s face.

Even had rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’ll be Juliet.”

Now, Isak regretted that. Even stood before him, wearing white, head to toe with small fake wings strapped to his back. His face and hair shone like he had been under a shower of glitter. His shirt was too tight and too white and everything was hurting Isak’s eyes.

He swallowed painfully and pulled the collar of his grey shirt away from his neck with a finger to help himself breathe. The room was too hot. He was basically ready to faint.

“How do I look?” asked Even with a cheerful smile. Isak wasn’t able to reply so he just did a half shrug and half shiver as his brain screamed _abort abort abort._

“I love what you did with the costume,” said Even again, gesturing to Isak’s getup.

He had planned on wearing a silver jacket that belonged to Eskild with makeshift chainmail made of tinfoil but the whole thing looked so ridiculous that Eskild thought wearing it was social suicide.

“Maybe it’s not too late to ask to be Juliet?” Eskild had suggested but Isak’s withering glare had answered him. Eventually, Eskild told Isak that he’ll take care of it and now he was a Greek Romeo!

Isak had tried to argue that he was Julius Cesar now and not Romeo anymore but Eskild had told him that no one beside Even would probably know the difference anyway.

“Thanks,” he said, looking down at his feet. “I did try to make it like the photo you sent but it looked really bad and Eskild said he’ll fix it…”

“It’s great, Isak!” said Even, brushing Isak’s nervous explanation off with his usual charm.

Despite their differences and their constant bickering, Isak couldn’t deny that Even was a nice person if there ever was one. He was kind, funny and, charming. Spending time with Even was never a chore and it certainly was never boring.

“Ready to go?” asked Isak, pretending like Even’s approval wasn’t that important.

“Yeah,” replied Even. Isak closed the door behind them and followed Even down the stairs.

“Did you get the beer?”

~*~*~*~*~

The party was packed when they arrived. Isak tried his best not to cower as he walked beside Even. A lot of people stopped them to say hi to Even and chat with him a moment. They tried to include Isak but he really preferred not to be included.

He really needed a drink. If he had to watch Even’s muscles flex under his tight T-shirt for the whole night, he needed to be as intoxicated as possible.

Even was still busy talking to someone Isak had only met a moment ago whose name he had already forgotten. He was nodding and laughing to jokes, completely oblivious to the bored Isak shuffling beside him. Isak pushed his hand into the bag of beers Even was still holding and tried to grab a can from inside but then his hand got stuck and no matter how he pulled, he couldn’t free his hand while still holding the beer.

“Sometimes, it’s like you’re replaced by a kitten,” said Even suddenly. Isak had been so preoccupied with grabbing a beer he had not realized when Even stopped chatting with whoever. “and you just go around being fidgety and whimpering until someone pays attention to you again.”

Isak looked up and it was only then that he realized just how absurd their position was. He was pressed to Even’s side, his cheek squished against Even’s bare arm in his attempt to lean over and reach the bag. Even raised his eyebrows, eyeing Isak in amusement. He freed his arm from beneath Isak and casually wrapped it around Isak’s shoulders. If Isak hadn’t already been embarrassed enough to blush, this was bound to make him.

Just then, before Isak had the chance to collect himself and answer Even with his own smart and scathing retort, Even angled his face towards Isak and kissed his cheek.

Isak tilted and fell back down into a black hole of nothingness and from the depths of that hole, he watched himself and Even at the party above him. He stretched his hand up from inside the black hole, trying to grab onto himself but he was too far.

He could only blink and stare straight ahead as his consciousness left the building.

No Kissing.

No. Kissing.

He was going to kill Even. Isak slowly began to feel his autonomy return to his body. His fingers were twitching and he was ready to attack Even. 

Even had broken their rule. It was such a simple rule and yet here they were. Isak didn’t care that technically a peck on the cheek wasn’t a _kiss_ kiss.

“Even? Is that you?” Just as Isak was about to make an excuse and drag Even away to a quiet place to yell at him, the surprised voice of a woman interrupted them.

They both looked up and towards the gorgeous girl with short blonde hair who was walking towards them. Isak couldn’t decide on her expression as it was a mixture of surprise and something else. Perhaps anger.

She stopped in front of them, one hand in her pocket and one hand up to brush out a silky looking blonde lock of hair out of her eyes. There were a dozen glittering bangles around her wrist. They made soft and ethereal jiggling noises as she moved her hand. Whimsical beads and stones shone on her wrist and on the rings on each finger. She was wearing a simple white tank top and wide-legged black trousers. Isak couldn’t see any makeup on her face save for a colorless glossy lipstick.

“Sonja! Hi! What are you doing here?” asked Even, sounding cheerful and pleasantly surprised.

Of course, Isak thought. Now, this made sense. Someone like Even. Someone like this girl. Now there was a couple that you could imagine together.

Isak could see it now. How the two of them must have been the belles of the ball. Every party they attended together, they must have been the center of the attention. They would sit down on their dais as their admirers flocked them like butterflies around a glowing light.

Sonja, _Even’s_ Sonja, had that same effortlessly cool vibe that Even carried with himself Everywhere. No one would blink twice at a guy as tall as Even wearing little girl fairy wings, because he could pull that off. No one questioned someone like Even wearing sunglasses inside even if it was ridiculous on everyone else. No one would ever question their kind of people for anything.

Suddenly Isak felt smaller, shorter. He seemed to have to careen his head back to glance up at Sonja even though she was clearly shorter than him.

“Leanna found out there was a party so we decided to come, too,” said Sonja as a way of explanation.

“Didn’t you know it was a costume party or…?” the question was out his mouth before Isak had a chance to weigh his words. Sonja, who up to that point hadn’t glanced once in Isak’s direction turned her cool gaze towards him.

“Yeah, but that’s childish,” she said this, looking Isak up and down. He felt naked under her gaze and not in a good way. “Aren’t going to introduce your little friend, Even?”

“Actually,” said Even, tightening his arm around Isak. “This is Isak, my boyfriend.”

It was Sonja’s turn to be shell-shocked. Her mouth fell open as she stared at Even, her eyes were wide and if she didn’t close her mouth soon, something was bound to fly in. “Is this a joke?”

Even laughed once, dry and sudden. It was one big HAH! into the air, it barely felt humorous.

“Why would it be a joke?”

“We broke up two seconds ago and now suddenly you have a boy toy?” Sonja stepped towards Even, frowning. Even let go of Isak to match her defensive stance with one of his own.

“Don’t call him that and what? Am I not allowed to move on? Do I need to send you a list of potential new significant others for you to approve first?” Even’s hands were tight fists against his side. Isak could practically see the red climb up his neck as he got angrier.

“Don’t be ridiculous Even! We both know what this is! You’re trying to get back at me for breaking up with you,” Sonja crossed her arms, giving Even a heated look.

“Of course! Everything revolves around you! No one is allowed to have a life unless it’s all about you!”

“That’s not it! You’ve got a little kid following you around, thinking you’re so high and mighty…”

“I’m right here,” said Isak waving his hand between Sonja and Even who were getting dangerously closer. The spell between them broke and they stepped away from each other to look at Isak, looking surprised that he was in fact, right there.

“It was nice to finally meet you, Sonja. I haven’t really heard much about you frankly as Even barely ever talks about you but it’s good to see you live up to the description I had heard about you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get some fresh air.” Even reached out to grab Isak’s hand but he shrugged him off and hurried away.

He knew going to the party had been a bad idea. Nothing good ever happened at these parties. Your best friends broke up and you had to make out with people you didn’t like or get humiliated by a gorgeous goddess who looked down at you. Nothing good ever came from these parties.

He found his way around the small groups of people and ran up the stairs. There were few people on this floor. Two girls sat on the floor in the hallway talking quietly and a couple was making out some way further. He checked the first door on his left which was locked, he tried the other door on his right and that led to the bathroom. It was empty. Jackpot! He went in and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the door and slumped down. He was mortified.

Boy toy. Kid.

Where did she get off talking about him like that? He was just a year younger than them. He didn’t even know her.

He unstuck himself from the door and moved to the bathtub. He took off the golden wreath on his head and stared down at it.

It was all so stupid. He was so stupid. Here he was again, alone at a party, hiding as usual. Perhaps he shouldn’t have expected things to be different. After all, this was all a lie. A bigger lie than he had told before. Any attempt to live a more genuine life just ended up with him trapped in a bigger illusion.

There was a small chip on a golden leaf on his headdress, he began to absentmindedly scratch at it with his nail, making the gap bigger.

There was a soft knock on the door. Isak looked up, regretfully remembering that he forgot to lock the door behind him. The door opened slowly and Even’s head peaked inside.

“Can I come in?” he asked softly. Isak looked away and shrugged. When Even closed the door, he took care to lock the door before getting in the tub and settling down beside Isak. He was still holding the bag full of beer and as he settled down, he handed one to Isak and got one for himself. They drank their beers in silence for a while, neither looking at the other nor uttering a word.

“I’m really sorry about Sonja,” finally said Even. “She can be a bit overwhelming sometimes.”

“That’s one way to put it,” mumbled Isak as he chipped away at the golden leaf.

Even was watching him intently, hanging on to every expression he made. “It’s just…she was the one who always called the shots in our relationship and she got so used to making the decisions for me, I think she’s just pissed that she doesn’t have that control over me, you know?”

Isak shook his head. “Why do you want to get back with someone so controlling then?” he asked. Even looked away.

“I need to tell you something,” Even took a deep breath and turned back to Isak. “I have manic depression.”

Isak blinked back at Even. He knew he was supposed to have a reaction but he wasn’t sure what was the right thing to do so he did the most awkward thing.

“yes,” he said. He blinked once at Even who glanced at Isak with a small frown. Of all the things to say, he had to say ‘yes’!

“I mean, okay? I-I’m not sure,” he stammered trying to fix it and failing miserably. Even fought a smile, shaking his head.

“It’s fine. I’m just telling you because the thing with Sonja is, she was with me when I got diagnosed and went through the worst of it. She was always looking out for me and I owe her for that. She could have turned her back on me so easily.”

“She wouldn’t have done that, though,” replied Isak, staring at Even’s desolated profile. Even gave him a loaded look. “It’s not a sacrifice to be with people you love.”

Even smiled. “You think so?” he asked in the softest voice. Isak doubted he would have heard it if they weren’t sitting so close. They were so close that Isak could see the many different shades of blue of Even’s eyes. He could count his lashes and he saw the small freckle on Even’s nose that looked like a star.

“Yeah,” he answered just as softly. “I think it’s just part of the loving.” Even’s eyes crinkled and Isak could trace the lines around his eyes. He looked away, pulling a thread from his red toga.

“And I don’t think it’s a burden for your loved ones. I mean, dealing with this? It-it makes you so brave. Much stronger than the rest of us who stumble over our own feet and think the world is coming to an end. Or you know,” Isak stumbled over the words, trying to translate his thoughts into coherent words.

“That’s nice of you to say,” said Even, looking down at his beer with red-tinged cheeks. “I don’t always feel strong though.”

“You should!” said Isak, hurriedly. Even looked back at him at his sudden outburst. “My mom, she is schizophrenic and some days it’s really hard but then I think about how hard she tries to get through the days and how she soldiers on… it makes me feel proud to be her son.”

After this Even stared back at Isak for a long moment. His soft gaze touched Isak’s face like a cool breeze. When Even finally looked away, Isak exhaled, seemingly for the first time in all his life. The breath left him with such relief and ease. They continued to drink their beers, in comfortable silence after that.

“Tell me something about yourself,” suddenly said Even, moving around and breaking them out of their close proximity.

“What? Where did that come from?”

“I just told you something about me that no one else knows in school! It’s not out of nowhere!” replied Even, giving Isak a look that said that should already be obvious.

“I thought you wanted to mingle at the party and dance! That was _your_  rule!” said Isak, lifting an eyebrow at Even, smirking.

“Rules are made to be broken, Isak,” said Even with a shrug.

“That, is not what rules are for.”

“You’re no fun,” said Even, sniffing and looking away.

Isak racked his brain, trying to find something that would be interesting enough.

“I want to be an astronaut,” he said at last. It got Even’s attention alright. “I know it’s something that children say and most people tend to get over when they grow up but for me, it’s different. It’s actually my dream job!”

“Why is that?” asked Even in a soft tone as he rested his head back against the wall and looked at Isak as he tried to explain himself.

“Every time I look at the night sky, at the vast unknown, imagining all the stars and the planets that we have no knowledge of, I think about how insignificant we are. Just specs of dust. I like the idea of being somewhere in that great vast unknown.”

“Doesn’t it sound lonely?”

Isak took a moment to think about that before replying.

“Maybe,” he said eventually, leaning back and matching Even’s pose. “But maybe that’s okay too as long as you have all the other specs of dust to keep you company.”

“That’s nice,” Even mumbled under his breath, still smiling. Even had a way of looking at you. He would lean back and stare with a piercing gaze at someone and smile gently as he did so and it would have seemed obnoxious and humoring on someone else but on Even it felt like being understood. Like there was nowhere else he would rather be and in no one else’s company but yours.

It flustered Isak, made him lose his train of thought most times but just then, it calmed him down enough for him to lean back beside Even and stare at the fluorescent light on the ceiling and murmur things he had never told anyone else about.

They stayed there and talked for hours. They talked for so long that the _thump thump_ of the music beneath their feet, slowed to a soft lullaby and the chattering people behind the door faded away until only occasional moans from some couple down the hallway remained. They stayed there and talked in their quiet and comfortable bubble.

Even wanted to know everything. He wanted to know about Isak’s hobbies and dreams and likes and dislikes. He was generous with his questions and answers and as the night stretched and they drank more and got drunker, the questions got bolder and weirder.

At one point, Isak had to clamp his hand over Even’s mouth to stop him from asking any more questions or he would piss himself from laughing too hard.

Even talked as well. He told Isak about the first time he met Sonja and how perfect everything seemed. He talked about his first episode, about dealing with the diagnosis and his decision to change schools.

“I remembered you from that day you came to tour Bakka,” said Even, blowing smoke up towards the ceiling. They had moved on from beers to smoking a while ago.

“Really?” asked Isak, unsure. “I can’t imagine I was that memorable.”

“You were,” replied Even with a shake of his head as if he was trying to shake a bad thought out of his head. “I looked for you that September. I was so sure you were going to show up. But you didn’t.”

“I came here, Eva and Jonas decided to come here and …”

“And you wanted to be near Jonas,” Even finished for Isak with a sad smile. “I get that.”

Isak bit his lip and looked away. It seemed like a bad excuse for choosing your school. A bad and pathetic excuse. He grabbed the cigarette from Even’s hand. Even let him.

“When I had my episode at school, I was so out of it,” Even went on. “When I finally calmed down, I suddenly remembered you again. I thought to myself, ‘well now they’re going to kick you out and you’ll never know if he will ever come to Bakka.’”

Isak turned his head towards Even so fast, he almost got whiplash. He gave Even who was shaking with laughter, an incredulous look.

“That’s so random!”

“I know,” Even said in agreement. “And at the end of the day, it was actually leaving Bakka that led to us meeting again.”

“Destiny.”

“Or bipolar disorder. Same thing really.”

“Do you regret changing schools, now?”

“What? And miss this? Fake-dating the 99 guy? Nah, I’m good!” Even winked at Isak who grinned back. He gestured to Isak to hand him the blunt. He did and looked down at his phone to check the time.

“It’s past midnight!”

“Yeah,” said Even, missing the point. “So?”

 “We’ve been in here for almost four hours,” said Isak, Shaking his head in amazement. “I told Eskild, I’ll be back in an hour!”

“Well Isak, sorry to break it to you but I’m pretty sure Eskild has already presumed you dead and called the police. There isn’t much we can do at this point. Now you have to move somewhere far away and change your name. Live the life of a dead man.”

“I should go to a small village in Italy. That’s where all the people faking their death go.”

“Good choice,” said Even, nodding his head. “They might even have a support group there.”

They grinned at each other like idiots. Before a loud bang against the door made them jump.

“What the fuck are you doing in there? If you’re having sex in there, I’m gonna fucking murder you…”

Isak took a shaky breath to calm his heart and scrambled up to his feet and followed Even to the door.

“Relax, man! We were just talking! Jesus!” Even opened the door and held his hands up in defeat. The guy behind the door, presumably the host, glared at them until they had scurried down the stair and out of the practically empty house.

~*~*~*~*~

That night, Isak laid in his bed awake and stared at the ceiling, smiling. For the first time ever, he was sleepless with giddiness.

Eskild had been awake and sitting on the couch, looking grumpy when Isak had shown up but one look at Isak and the happy glint in his eyes had kept him from chastising him and instead he had smirked and made a not so subtle jab about spending too much time with Even before he had retreated to his room.

He didn’t care what Eskild thought. He just knew he was happy. It danced around in his vision like a firework of emotions and colors; blue and pink and yellow bursts of joy against his eyelids.

Somewhere between admitting to always wanting a pet kitten and telling Even about his fear of raisin bread, Isak had made a new friend. The thought spread through him like a warm splash. His smile stretched. He was still staring at the ceiling when it suddenly lit up. The vibrating noise of his phone soon followed.

Even

_Are you awake?_

Isak

_I am now even if I wasn’t before_

Even

_Shit! Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you_

Isak

_Relax! You didn’t. I was awake._

_What’s up?_

Even

_Can’t sleep. You?_

Isak

_Hmm. Me neither_

_Why can’t you sleep?_

Even

_I’ve been thinking about this movie I want to make someday_

Isak

_What is it about?_

Even

_It’s about this little girl who has no friends and her parents are never around and she’s so lonely so one day she wanders into the woods by her house._

Isak

_Spooky_

Even

_As she’s playing by herself, she hears this wailing sound and she finds a fox caught in a trap_

Isak

_That’s so gory!_

Even

_No, it’s not one of those iron teeth traps. It’s like a net trap._

Isak

_Okay, better_

Even

_Since the girl doesn’t know the fox is considered a dangerous animal, she sets it free and becomes friends with it and spends all her time with her pet fox, traveling around and playing, discovering the woods._

Isak

_What happens next?_

Even

_I don’t know. That’s as far as I have gotten._

Isak

_Way to leave it at a cliffhanger!_

Even

_I know. Any suggestions?_

Isak

_I’ll have to think about it. I’ll get back to you on that!_

Even

_Thanks_

_So why are you awake?_

Isak

_Just am. Thinking._

Even

_Damn thinking! Getting in the way of everything!_

Isak

_And then it abandons you when you need it: in exams while making up lies…_

Even

_The lie thing is the worst! Let me trick people, brain!_

They talked for a while after that. By the time they finally said their goodbyes (for the third time but that time for real!), Isak could feel the rest of the house slowly waking up.  They had talked in circles, joking their way through all subjects and when Isak thought about it, he realized how easy it was to talk to Even.

He wasn’t the type of person who easily became friendly with strangers. He didn’t joke around with people he didn’t know. Mostly because he never knew the right thing to say, he was always afraid to break some unwritten rule of social interactions that he had no idea existed.

With Even, none of that mattered. Everything came easy; talking, joking, even sharing secrets. When they talked, it felt like they were picking up a conversation they had left unfinished in a different life. He didn’t have to tiptoe around Even to learn the rules of their conversing; they could just talk.

Isak wondered how impossible it was for anyone to find someone like that in their lifetime as he fell asleep.

~*~*~*~*~

Everything became easier after that night. It seemed like the last thing holding them at arm’s length was out of the way and they finally fell easily into their routine.

Even was a demanding fake-boyfriend. He took up almost all of Isak’s time. When they weren’t in class, they were together, perusing a wild idea Even had come up with or just hanging out at each other’s place, listening to music as Even sketched and Isak studied and when they weren’t together, they were texting. They have had many FIFA tournaments at Isak’s place, all of which Isak won. Fair and square despite what Even claimed.

His friends were not very amused. Mahdi always complained that Isak never hung out with them anymore. He wasn’t wrong, Isak had been spending more time with Even. On top of that, he now had Even’s group of friends to hang out with as well.

They went to more parties after the disastrous first one. Isak never saw Sonja in any of the parties again but every once in a while Even would show up, disgruntled and wild and mention that he ran into Sonja somewhere around the party. They would sometimes be accompanied by the boys. Sometimes Even’s friends would come along.

In those cases, Mutta would keep Isak company. He was just as loud and exuberant as the rest of the boys when they were all together, but with Isak, he would calm down enough for them to have random and weirdly specific conversations. The other boys would crowd around them through the night with equally interesting commentary about their topics of conversation. Even would always end up interrupting them with the excuse of showing Isak something cool and take him away for some quiet and peace in the backyard. They would share a smoke and laugh about the absurd things Elias did and then go home. 

Even tried to teach Isak how to dance at one of the parties with little success. They were in the kitchen where traffic was scarce and they had more space to move around without stepping on someone’s toes. Mahdi and Magnus sat on the counter, watching them with unnecessary attention.

“Why are you here again?” Asked Isak through gritted teeth as Even lifted his chin once more. He blushed and fought the urge to look away again. They were impossibly close and Even’s breath hit his face, warming his cheeks.

“Moral support,” explained Mahdi as he stuffed his mouth with potato chips. Isak used this chance to turn his head and glare at Mahdi.

“You’re doing a terrible job of it!”

“Not for you,” said Magnus, his voice muffled as he chewed his own mouthful of chips. “For ourselves.” 

They both gave Isak shit-eating grins and continued to observe Isak’s despair from afar.

Even’s cold fingertips were once again on Isak’s jaw as they slowly guided his face back toward him.

“You’re supposed to ignore them,” said Even in a low voice.

“That’s kind of difficult,” said Isak petulantly.

“Try! Just look into my eyes and pretend they’re not here. Just us.”

That would be a dangerous route to take, thought Isak nervously.

He must have seemed like the most uncoordinated and clumsiest person in the world to Even as they stumbled and twisted around each other. They couldn’t move a minute in sync without Isak messing things up in some way. Despite all that, Even was patient and let Isak step on his toes a million times.

Isak was happy to let Even think he was just the most talentless dancer as the reality of the situation was too mortifying to admit to. They were pressed together all along their bodies and this close, Even’s eyes looked like a blue that Isak wasn’t sure even existed elsewhere in the world. The whole thing was too distracting for Isak to bear.

“This is pointless,” he said, hoping that if he repeated that a couple dozen times, Even would eventually agree. “I’m never going to learn dancing.”

“Isak, if you can learn physics and math, then this is going to be easy. Just concentrate.”

“That’s different,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “That’s just brain activity.”

“Fine. Then think of it as you think of football. You’re good at that.” It was a fair point though Isak wasn’t very pleased that Even just had that to throw at him.

They started again just as Sana walked in.

“What’s going on here?” She asked the boys.

“Even is trying to teach Isak how to dance,” replied Magnus.

“Unsuccessfully,” added Mahdi with a grin.

Isak gave Sana a sideways glance as she stared at them suspiciously. Despite Isak’s initial panic over Sana finding out, he found he was glad to have one person he didn’t have to hide all this from. They barely ever talked about it and Isak tried his best to keep his meetings with Sana and Even far from the other but at least he didn’t have to act in front of Sana.

With his friendship with Even growing in the past few weeks, however, he had to be careful not to bring up Even in their conversations.

“Isak! You’re not even trying!” said Even, laughing. Isak’s lack of coordination was so intricate that they had ended up with Even moving one way and Isak the other so their arms were twisted around each other in an uncomfortable position. Isak grunted, trying and failing to free his arms from their tangled skein of limbs.

“I…told you…it…was…hopeless!” He said through clenched teeth as he finally freed his right arm. Even, the jolly child that he was, still laughed and made no effort to free himself.

“Fine! I give up! You just bop your head and punch the air with your fist from now on!”

“We still salute you, Even! At least you tried!”

“A for effort, man!”

The boys slow clapped their faces a mask of pride. Isak pretended he was offended but secretly he was relieved. As the boys got up to leave the kitchen, Isak moved to lean against the wall beside Sana.

“This is going swimmingly,” she said looking at Even and the guys joking around.

“Hmm.” Isak wasn’t sure if he was meant to answer, as it hadn’t been a question really.

“You know,” Sana started to say again, this time more hesitantly. “No one would have minded. You know that right?”

Isak looked down at his feet. He traced the edge of a tile with his toe. Did he know that? He knew they didn’t care about the abstract idea of gay Isak but would they feel the same if they knew about his crush on Jonas?

“I know,” he said simply. This wasn’t the moment he wanted to explore the answer to that.

“Anyway, I don’t really like this emotional nonsense talk but if you ever need to not lie to someone, I’m here,” Sana said all that with a frown that seemed to be mostly aimed at herself than Isak. Like somehow her words annoyed her as she said them. Isak looked up at her expression, amused before nodding in answer.

Sana nodded back once and then looked away. They stayed standing there for a while longer but neither said much else.

~*~*~*~*~

That Friday, Isak’s father dropped Lea by the flat share with no warning and left before Isak could protest. He and Even were supposed to go to a party at a friend’s house but with Lea there, Isak really couldn’t do much and to put the nail in the coffin, Lea informed Isak he had to bake something for her bake sale on Saturday.

It was in the midst of this chore that Even found them. Isak was in the kitchen sifting extra flour on his sad looking mixture, trying and failing miserably to follow the instruction of the recipe he found online when the doorbell rang.

“Eskild! Can you answer the door?”

“On it,” came Eskild’s distant reply.

“Isak, you were supposed to add the eggs to it,” whined Lea from where she sat by the table and slowly ate all the chocolate.

“No, it says add flour first,” said Isak with a shake of his head, rereading the recipe.

“You already did that!” Isak sighed, his shoulders drooping. With a pained expression, he turned to Lea.

“Lea, I’m adding mor-”

“Hello!”

Isak and Lea turned at the same time to look towards the door where none other than Even was standing with Eskild smiling widely from behind him.

“Kids! Look who’s here!”

“We can see, Eskild,” said Isak lamely. Even was smiling and looking around the kitchen and the mess Isak had made. There was flour everywhere. Not just on Isak and the table, but the chairs and the counters and on the floor. The broken egg shells where on the part of the counter that wasn’t wet with spilled milk and cocoa powder was sprayed sporadically on the floor. A few cabinet doors were open as Isak hadn’t bothered to close them after getting what he wanted.

“What are you doing?” asked Even slowly, taking it all in. Isak looked around them to see what it all must look like to Even.

“Baking?” his weak reply came out as a question.

“Are you Even?” suddenly Isak remembered his very nosy sister sitting beside him. Lea hadn’t met Even but she had heard about him. Isak had yet to come out to his parents in an official way but Lea was his sister and he couldn’t keep it from her. To her credit, she hadn’t seemed confused or upset but mostly snobbish as she asked if she had to be nice to him like she was nice to Jonas.

Isak had to remind her that she actually _liked_ Jonas so she better not make it sound like a chore. To which she had answered, rather worryingly, that that was not her point.

“Yeah,” replied Even, slowly walking further into the kitchen and getting closer to Lea. “And you must be Lea! I’ve heard so much about you. It’s an honor to finally meet you.”

He talked all serious and polite. More like he was meeting the parents rather than the nine-year-old sister. Still, the humor in his eyes and the kindness that Isak had learned to be Even’s natural state were present.

“I haven’t heard much about you, though,” said Lea, with narrowed eyes.

“Lea!” gasped Isak, he could imagine how red his face must be. Even chuckled. His eyes crinkled as he bent down to be closer to Lea’s eye level.

“I’m not surprised. Isak barely remembers me when I’m right there with him.”

Lea’s mouth twitched. “That’s silly! Isak would never do that! It’s silly!”

“Oh trust me! I’m telling nothing but the truth,” Even’s eyes widened and he put a hand to his heart in earnest. “I was standing right beside him and he just raised his hand, you know like when he gets excited, and smacked me right in the nose! And he shamelessly blamed me for being in the way of his hand!”

Lea couldn’t help it this time around, she giggled. “You’re silly!” she said, her cheeks dimpling. Isak could see her ice melt. 

“Thanks, Lea!” said Even, sniffing dramatically. Lea giggled again before patting Even’s arm once and very softly.

“Don’t be sad. I like silly.”

Even looked up with a grin at Isak who had completely forgotten about his sifting duties and was staring at the interaction between his sister and his fake-boyfriend.

“So what are you two doing here, again?” asked Even as he stood up straight.

“I’m making brownies for Lea’s bake sale tomorrow.”

“Why brownies?” asked Even frowning at the dry mix in the bowl in front of Isak.

“Because it’s easier. You can make it and just cut them into pieces after,” replied Isak.

“How is that going for you?” Even tried to stir the mix but grimaced when it got stalk.

“I can’t come to the party, I have to make this,” said Isak, ignoring Even’s question. Even looked up at him with a sharp look.

“I did tell Isak that at the rate he’s going we’d do just fine without his help but he insisted,” Eskild said from his place by the door where he was quietly eating store-bought chocolate chip cookies.

“All the kids make theirs with their mom. Mom isn’t here so I’m gonna do this with her,” said Isak to Eskild. They had already had this conversation and Isak wasn’t particularly interested in repeating it.

“Do you want help?” Even’s sudden offer took Isak by surprise, so much so that he didn’t even reply and instead just stared back. Even looked away sheepishly. “I’ve helped my mom make brownies before. I can help.”

Isak looked around, trying to find an excuse to refuse Even. He wasn’t sure letting Even into his home life was the best idea. When all this was done and over with, he didn’t want Lea attached to someone who wouldn’t actually end up being a part of their life later. Then he looked down at his little sister and all the fight left him. She was looking up at him with a hopeful expression, pressing her lips tight together, the way she did when she wanted something really badly but didn’t want to say it, waiting for him to say Even could stay.

“Yeah,” he said weakly. “I guess you can stay.”

Lea and Eskild cheered as Even fist pumped the air and with a wide grin, moved towards the table. He pushed Isak out of the way with a hip bump and pushing his sleeves up, took control of the baking.

“First, you need to add your eggs.”

“See! I told you, Isak!”

 

Two hours later and two freshly cut batches of brownies later, Isak was convinced that Even had cast a spell on his sister. She was already half in love with him. They were sitting on the couch with Lea sprawled between them, her head on Isak’s lap as they watched “My best friend’s wedding” per Even’s recommendation. A half-eaten brownie was on the table where Lea had left it after tasting it. The brownies had turned out great, thanks to Even. The whole house smelled like vanilla and chocolate which made Eskild and even Linn to come out of their rooms and grumble about wanting Brownies

Even had went on and on about romantic comedies while they were baking that after they were done with the brownies, Lea had been so intrigued she begged Isak to stay up and watch one with them. Isak, being the pushover that he was when it came to Lea, had agreed.

It didn’t matter however as soon she was bored with the movie and her eyes, getting heavier and heavier, had finally closed and she began to snore softly.

“Your sister is really cute,” said Even in a hushed tone. Isak looked down at his sister and smiled, nodding.

“She is,” he agreed.

On the screen, the whole cast broke into song. Julia Roberts looked as uncomfortable and incredulous as Isak felt. He rolled his eyes and turned to Even.

“Is this really the type of movies you like? I thought you were supposed to have good taste!”

Even’s faces scrunched up in mock offense. “Is it really a stretch to appreciate mindless romances that just have a positive outlook on love?”

“Ruining a friend’s wedding because of a long forgotten suppressed crush?” asked Isak, lifting an eyebrow. “Don’t think so!”

Even paused, considering Isak’s words.

“That’s fair,” he admitted, nodding. “But it’s still good to laugh at love every once in a while.”

“I suppose,” said Isak, looking down at Lea who was now softly snoring.

“I can’t believe she’s fallen asleep in this noise.”

Isak looked up to find Even smiling endearingly down at Lea. He huffed a laugh and brushed Lea’s hair off her forehead. “She’s always been a heavy sleeper,” he said, smiling to himself.

The scene took him back to when they lived at home with their parents still and she would fall asleep in front of the TV during Friday Tacos and their father had to carry her to her room.

“You know, back when we were still living at home, once she was asleep not even a bomb could wake her,” he told Even. He remembered how every night he could hear her soft breathing as she slept in the room beside his.

“Back then, our parents fought a lot,” He continued, tracing a pattern on the sofa’s arm. His voice lowered to a hum. The singing had stopped and two of the characters were arguing quietly on the screen. “I would always wake up in the middle of the night and hear them shouting at each other. Lea never once woke up but I did.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat. He could feel Even’s eyes on himself. The light in the room was dimmed and yellow, the two of them were the last two people alive in the world, it was just them and a sleeping child between them.

For a moment he wasn’t even sitting on the couch in the flat anymore but he was back in his old house, in his old bed, pretending to be asleep. “Sometimes in the middle of all that, I just gave up sleeping. I figured if I stayed up, I could be on the lookout for the shouting. It’ll be easier if you just expect it to happen.”

He pressed his lips together, a half smile, half grimace on his face. They sat in silence, neither said anything as they both processed Isak’s words.

Then suddenly and quietly, Even grasped Isak’s hand and held it. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t try to cheer him up, he just held on. Isak’s heart began to beat twice its normal speed. The air was pressing down on him, warm and heavy. He bit his lip and stared in front of him.

In a silent agreement, they continued to pretend they were watching the movie. He could no longer feel Even’s gaze on him but he could feel Even, everywhere, anchoring him back to the present time and place. All Isak could feel was the texture of Even’s hand in his own and all he could hear was Even’s soft and steady breathing beside him. His silhouette in his peripheral vision, the only image he could process.

When the movie ended, Isak breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t sure why he was relieved but as he finally let go of Even’s hand, which had now become clammy after they held on for so long, he muttered a rushed comment amount putting Lea to bed and coming right back.

He got back to the living room to find Even had cleaned away their dinner and turned the TV off. He was holding his jacket and stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room in a way that screamed he no longer belonged to the background he was standing in.

“I should probably go,” said Even, hesitating. Isak nodded, slowly making his way towards Even.

“Yeah, thanks for staying, and the brownies and just…yeah,” He wasn’t sure if he could mention the moment they had shared.

“Yeah, no it was no trouble,” said Even in one rushed breath.

“We didn’t even go to the party,” continued Isak, gesturing around in a helpless attempt to gesticulate how much Even had given up that night.

“That wasn’t important at all. It was just a lame party,” replied Even.

They went quiet again, staring at each other. Something had shifted for the second time between them. There were exactly five tiles between them and Isak thought that was too much distance.

“I should go,” said Even again and shifted in his place. This spurred Isak into action who nodded and stepped forward again, closer to Even.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” he said in a hurry, following Even to the entrance of the flat.

He opened the locks, his elbow brushing against Even’s jacket as they stood crowded in the small hallway. When the locks finally opened he spun around in the small space to come chest to chest with Even.

His breath caught, Even’s stance just as tense. They stood there, like two harsh tree branches as Isak slowly lifted his eyes to meet Even’s. Isak could feel his own heartbeat, or maybe it was Even’s heartbeat against his chest.

He opened his mouth but no words came out.

They were so close.

His breath came out in one rushed, ragged storm and before he was sure what they were doing, Even’s arm was around him and his hands were in Even’s hair and they were kissing. A string noise rang in Isak’s ears and his lips felt electrocuted as they touched Even’s soft lips.

At once, they were inhaling the same air and taking up the same space and their hearts beat in a harmony. Not in sync but as one continuing the half-finished stuttered gasp of the other. Isak’s finger’s bit into Even’s scalp, messing up the silky hair beneath his palms. He could feel Even’s nails and the creases of his palms through his old T-shirt. His eyes were closed but he could see Even, perhaps for the first time.

Then all too soon, it was over. A throat cleared behind them and they separated, faster than Isak could open his eyes and assess the situation. He wasn’t ready to breathe again yet. He wanted to retreat back into that embrace, to burrow into Even’s arms and make a nest there.

“Uh, going so soon, Even?” asked Eskild’s unfairly amused voice. Isak tilted his head to see Eskild standing at the end of the hallway, his toothbrush in his hand and a towel on his shoulder. “You know I won’t mind if Lea sleeps in my room tonight…”

A tortured noise escaped from Isak’s throat as Even blanched away and they both rearranged themselves, a safe distance apart and against the wall, not so discreetly, fixing hair and clothes.

“I-I r-really should go. It’s uh it’s late. Right,” Even stuttered in reply to Eskild, presumably although he stared down at the floor.

“Alright,” said Eskild, sounding not at all convinced by the excuse. “Goodbye?”

“Yes, bye!” said Even, hurriedly, moving towards the door before he paused and gave Isak a stolen glance, muttering a soft, “Bye,” before leaving.

The door closed with an unimaginably loud bang in the small space.

“Bye,” Isak said too late. His heart had yet to calm down. He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes.

“So,” began Eskild. “Do you want to talk? About anything? Like how that was clearly a first kiss…”

“That wasn’t a first kiss,” said Isak, snapping his eyes open and turning towards Eskild. “We’ve kissed before. Of course, we have. We’re-we’re dating!”

“Right,” said Eskild, unconvinced. He moved back into the living room and Isak hurried to keep up.

“What does that mean? Eskild?”

Eskild stopped and spun back towards Isak, mischief gleamed in his eyes.

“I knew you were up to something. You’ve been acting very odd these past few weeks, I assumed it was the whole rushing out of the closet thing but it’s not just that is it? There’s something going on between you and Even and it’s not that you’re boyfriends.”

Isak’s stomach dropped.

 Did Eskild know something? Had he heard them talk? Did they even mention it?

“It’s fine, it’s none of my business,” went on Eskild. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me but if you ever need someone to talk to I’m here. Okay?”

Isak didn’t say anything but nodded his head. He hated that he was lying to Eskild after he had been there for him for so long. However, he knew it couldn’t be helped.

As Eskild went on to finish his nightly routine, Isak went back to his room and laid down in his makeshift bed beside Lea.

His mind was reeling with the events of the night. He thought back to Even’s laughter as they messed around the kitchen. The sound of that laughter sent shivers up and down his arms. His lips were still tingling where Even’s had burned a mark on them. He could practically feel Even’s hands all over his body. An unfinished moan caught in his throat when suddenly his phone vibrated in his pocket.

He sent a silent prayer up to whoever was listening that he hadn’t actually screamed in shock. He fished his phone out. It was a message. From Jonas.

Jonas

_Hey, Isak. Are you going to come to the party or what? I thought we were hanging out._

Jonas. Right. He had texted Jonas about the party, promising that he and Even would be there. They hadn’t really hung out for a long time. Every time Jonas texted him to come over or to hang out, Isak had to decline because he had plans with Even. It had started as an excuse that first few days after the letters disaster, as Isak was too ashamed to face Jonas for a long period of time alone. But soon it became a reality when he started to actually hang out with Even.

When Isak had told Jonas about the party, he had gotten a sour look on his face but nodded. Then in a tone, that to Isak had sounded rather threateningly, he got a promise from Isak that the two of them would hang out at the party. Alone.

Isak hadn’t made much of it at the time but perhaps Jonas was upset that Isak spent all his time with Even now. Isak felt guilty, realizing that he hadn’t spared a thought for Jonas as he scheduled all his time with Even.

In fact, he hadn’t thought about Jonas for a long time. His name no longer sent a rush of butterflies flying in his stomach, he didn’t think about a chance with Jonas in a never future. Jonas was back to being his best friend. Albeit a neglected one.

Instead, it was the thought of Even that sent a jolt of desire through his body. It was the thought of his smile that made Isak’s heart beat faster and their old conversations brought a secret smile on his face. It was Even who could make him laugh and blush and feel safe. He has snuck up on him.

Some time when Isak was busy trying to forget Jonas, Even had squeezed his way into his subconscious and now bloomed like a million secret blossoms in every corner of his brain; making a meadow of emotions too deep and elegant to uproot.

His phone slipped out of his grasp and fell on his face, jostling him back to the dark bedroom.

He picked the phone up and sent a quick reply to Jonas.

Isak

_Sorry, Papa dropped Lea by unannounced. Had to cancel plans._

Putting the phone away, he lied back down and stayed still. He was wide awake with the new realization that he had feelings for Even.

Oh no. This was bad.

He had to go ahead and fall for a boy who was still in love with his ex. A boy who would break his heart without even meaning to. Without knowing that he was.

He had seen it in Even’s eyes after the kiss. He had regretted it. He looked hassled and confused.

This was an even bigger disaster than the one before. He had to talk to Even. It was time for them to end this. Sonja was clearly jealous enough and thanks to Isak’s lack of tact, Jonas was disillusioned in regards to his feelings. Technically they had no reason to pretend to be together anymore and the sooner they ended it, the better for Isak’s heart to be spared.

He had to talk to Even. They needed to end this.

~~~~~~***~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I love Sonja. She's actually one of my favorite characters and I know her introduction was a bit harsh but bear with me!  
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you thought. We're almost to the end.


	6. Chapter 6:A fistful of sand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Isak catches feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penultimate chapter! I know it's been so long. SO LONG. There's no excuse but the good news is, the story is over and I've already written the last chapter so I'll be posting that in three days. No more waiting! Hope you like this chapter.

“Do you know what it’s like to like someone so much you can’t stand it and know that they’ll never feel the same way?”  
― Jenny Han, To All the Boys I've Loved Before

 

A fistful of sand

 

There was a sudden wave of cold weather and dark clouds hung above Isak and Jonas as they sat quietly on the bench behind the cafeteria, that Monday morning. The cold sipped through Isak’s jeans, freezing his butt and forcing him to shift every few minutes. Despite the early hour, it was quite dark and Isak wished nothing more than to be home and crawl back into his bed and sleep.

However, he had promised Jonas that they would hang out before class on Monday to make up for missing the party on Friday and basically ignoring him all weekend.

Of course, Jonas didn’t know that Isak had ignored everyone else as well.

“So yeah, then he went to lean against the wall, you know just to be suave or something, and he just…leaned on nothing!”

“Oh no!” exclaimed Isak. Jonas was retelling the misadventures of one Magnus Fossbakken from the party Isak had missed. Isak couldn’t believe one person could achieve so many embarrassing romantic encounters. Then again, he wasn’t really one who could judge others. The disaster that he was himself.

He pushed the dark and murky thoughts creeping in away and tried to focus back on Jonas’s story.

“… went to help him. I would too but I wasn’t so busy laughing just then!” Jonas finished saying, a faint ghost of that mischievous smile still on his face. “So what was your weekend like?”

How had been Isak’s weekend?

Isak wasn’t sure how to begin to answer that question. He had spent the entire weekend holed up in the flat share, hiding from everyone and refusing to answer his phone. The reason being the tall blonde currently somewhere in the building behind them and hopefully not anywhere near them.

Isak had tried to be sensible. He tried not to think about the kiss and calm down and focus on his studies. Yet every time he blinked, he was assaulted with the image of Even’s face barely an inch from his.

He had tried to be reasonable. This was an unhealthy crush and he was acting like a child, falling for any guy he spent time with. It was definitely not real feelings he was feeling and they would fade away as soon as their terrible arrangement was done; which was today. He just needed to gather enough courage to actually walk over to Even and tell him they should stop.

“You know…just trying not to hang myself because Lea was driving me up the walls.”

“Little sisters, man,” said Jonas, nodding his head in agreement. They went quiet. With Jonas’s story over and Isak’s state of mind, there wasn’t anything else to say. A chill blew through the bushes, leaving pinprick jabs of ice all over Isak’s back and arms.

“Lately, it feels like you’ve been avoiding me actually,” Jonas said in a quiet voice, not really looking at Isak.

Isak’s heart sank down. “I’m not avoiding you,” he said a little too fast.

“Aren’t you? We’ve barely talked since the letter.”

Isak shook his head. Speechless.

“You know it’s cool, right?” Jonas asked, carefully wording his thoughts. “I mean if anything that was a compliment,” he nudged Isak’s shoulder with his own, giving him a humorous smile. Isak couldn’t help but smile back.

“Don’t get your hopes up! It was a long time ago.”

“Harsh, Isak! Real harsh!”

Isak kept on smirking as Jonas pretended to sniff and cry.

Maybe they were okay. Maybe their friendship was stronger than a few misunderstandings and Isak was underestimating them.

“So now that you have a not-so-childish relationship how is that going?” asked Jonas when they were done messing around. Isak’s smile immediately fell and he looked away.

“We’re fine.”

The bell rang inside, signaling the start of the school day.

~*~*~*~*~

“Hello! I’m sorry, I thought you looked like someone I knew but I’m not sure,” Isak rolled his eyes with his head still hidden behind his locker before slamming it shut and turning towards Even. He had been practicing hide and seek all day, trying to avoid running into Even. Here he was; failing three minutes away from going home. Typical.

“Hi Even,” he replied, trying hard to keep his annoyance with himself out of his voice. It wasn’t Even’s fault that Isak was avoiding him.

“Oh Hello, Isak! How are you today?” asked Even in a chipper tone. Isak shifted his backpack’s strap on his shoulder and made his way towards the exit.

“Fine,” he replied with a groan.

“Where have you been all weekend?” asked Even, following Isak out. “I called. A lot.” Isak was aware. He had stared at his phone in frozen indecision before burying it under his pillow and eventually turning it off completely to avoid dealing with Even’s missed calls.

“Busy. Studying. The usual,” Isak replied as nonchalantly as he could. He increased his pace, rushing towards the door as fast as he could.

“Are you mad at me?” Even’s voice sounded thin and weak. Isak’s heart squeezed and he grimaced as he walked ahead of Even.

“Why would I be mad at you?” He increased his speed, practically jogging to the station.

“I don’t know? Because of Friday night? You tell me. You’re the one avoiding me,” Isak could feel the hurt in Even’s voice which made no sense. Why would he be upset?

“I’m not avoiding you. I have a life besides this, you know. I had work to do.”

“Will you stop for a second?” Even grabbed his sleeved, keeping his hold and standing still, giving Isak no choice but to stop. He huffed and turned to Even. His cheeks were red in anger and from the cold.

“What?” he asked, exasperation dripping from his tone.

“What’s up with you today?” asked Even. He was on the verge of pouting. Isak thought he was ridiculous.

“I think we should end this,” he blurted out the words. He hadn’t meant to say it like this. He sounded angry. It sounded like payback. He didn’t mean to phrase it quite so cruelly. It was supposed to be casual and matter of fact. This was neither.

Even dropped Isak’s sleeve, taking a step back.

“Where is this coming from all of a sudden? We agreed we’ll wait until Christmas.”

“We didn’t. We said we might go as long as Christmas if we need to. I don’t think we need to. Sonja seems pretty jealous from where I’m standing and Jonas doesn’t suspect a thing so…I think it’s time.”

“So that’s what this is about! Jonas!” said Even, letting out a dry laugh.

“What are you talking about? Don’t drag him into this!”

“You mentioned him first! And it’s not like he wasn’t a part of this already!”

Isak took a deep, calming breath before focusing back on Even. “We aren’t talking about him.”

Even still looked at him with a stubborn, petulant expression. Isak’s throat went dry and he wondered if swallowing was safe

“We decided we’ll end it by Christmas,” Even said quietly. His eyes had widened and he was looking at Isak like a child would look at his mother before begging her to get him chocolate. “The ski trip is next week. We can’t go on the trip as single losers! If we break up now, we can’t go on the trip and have fun or everyone will know we were faking.”

Isak gave Even a weighed look. The first real look he was giving him since this conversation started. Even’s hair was in disarray; his usually immaculate hairstyle was tilting to the side and there were dark circles under his eyes and his lips were drawn in a tight line. He looked exhausted. Exhausted and worried. Isak had a mind to reach out and fix his hair. He knew the hair would feel soft under his fingertips. He wanted to kiss the tiredness away from his eyes but he couldn’t do that.

He sighed, staring dejectedly at Even.

“Until Christmas,” Even pleaded.

“Just until Christmas,” Isak agreed, waving his point finger threateningly at Even.

A lopsided smile appeared on Even’s face. He was satisfied with his debating skills but dread filled Isak’s stomach. Three more weeks of pretending. Three more weeks of being as close to being Even’s boyfriend as he could ever be and still not being it.

It felt like he had lost.

~*~*~*~*~

Eskild was sitting on Isak’s bed, fussing over his suitcase. They had made a list of stuff Isak might need and things he just wanted to take along. Eskild had made a list of ten books Isak could take with him and they had voted on them to choose one. They had packed and repacked the suitcase three times.

Isak had stated on multiple occasions that it was just for a weekend.

“Yes, your first weekend away from home,” said Eskild, sighing dramatically. “Kids grow up so fast!”

“Eskild, I’m still the same age I was when I moved in! And I don’t need three sweatshirts and two jackets and five pants,” Isak replied in exasperation as he took out the extra clothes again. “I’m going away for two days! You need to calm down.”

“Isak, it’s a ski trip! You need warm clothes,” Eskild took the jacket out of Isak’s hands and shoved it back into the suitcase. “You need to be less grumpy about this. Most kids your age love school trips.”

“I’m barely three years younger than you!”

They had been going on about this all week. The closer they got to the holidays and the day of the trip, the more nervous Isak got. He didn’t like Skiing. It came as a surprise to most people but he had never taken to it. He wasn’t sure why he was even going on the trip. It had seemed like a good idea at the time but the closer he got to actually doing it, he saw even less appeal to it.

He dropped down on the edge of the mattress, still clutching a shirt.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go.”

“What, no!” Eskild squeaked and slapped Isak’s arm. “Isak, you shouldn’t separate yourself from your peers. Go have some fun! Enjoy your life! Stop thinking too hard about everything that could go wrong.”

Isak gave Eskild a discouraging look but handed him the shirt. Finally satisfied, Eskild tossed the shirt aside and smiled. “You should leave or you’ll be late.”

By the time Isak arrived at school, the bus was already there and students were standing in line to put their bags in the luggage compartment. When he gets on the bus, his eyes immediately fall on Even. He was hard to miss as he was half standing up in his seat and waving his hands wildly. Nerves ran down Isak’s spine like ice cold water. He let out a shaky breath and contemplated whether it was too late to back off and get off the bus, maybe pretend he didn’t see Even.

A finger poked into his ribs from behind, making Isak yelp and stumbled forward. He turned around to snap at the person behind him but he found Sana there; giving him a steely glance.

“Are you going to join your boyfriend or what?” she asked, sounding as bored as can be. At her words, an idea came to Isak.

“Actually…” he turned. Mouthed Sorry and moved passed Even and found an empty row. He gestured Sana to get in. Sana, despite giving him a suspicious look, obliged. Isak sat down beside her; pleased with himself.

Even was still half standing in his seat and giving Isak a hurt look.

“What’s going on, Isak?” Sana asked.

“Can you just go with this?” Isak whispered back as Even got out of his row and made his way towards them, ignoring the angry grumbles behind him. Sana sighed but moved around so her back was turned towards Isak and pretended to be asleep. Isak could hug her just then if he didn’t think she would break his arms if he tried.

“Isak, I saved us a seat. I made cheese toasties for us. The way you like them.”  He did feel guilty just then. He could imagine how it would have gone if they were really together. If Even really cared about him. They could share the toast and small kisses. They could whisper each other secrets and let their hands get familiar with each other’s creases and lines. His heart made a weird ripple motion.

It couldn’t be. No matter how kind Even was, no matter how caring he seemed, it wasn’t genuine feelings he had for Isak. Even if Isak liked to think of them as very good friends, to Even it was all platonic. He was doing this to get back with Sonja.

“Sorry,” He said, sounding as sorry as he really felt. “I couldn’t say no to her. We’ll hang out during the weekend?”

Even pursed his lips, gave a lackluster nod and with drooping shoulders went back to his seat. Isak followed him with his eyes. Even’s disappointment reflected in his eyes.

“You’re an idiot,” Sana’s voice snapped Isak back into reality. She was staring at him over her sunglasses, judging him for every decision he had ever made.

“Excuse me?”

“What the fuck are you doing, Isak? Why are you sitting here with me when you should be there with Even eating cheese sandwiches or whatever it is?”

“Cheese toasties,” He mumbled back, pouting.

“He really likes you.”

Isak doubted that. “Sana, you don’t actually know what’s been going on between us and trust me, Even doesn’t-”

“First of all, don’t use that tone with me. Secondly, it’s actually you who doesn’t know anything. Even broke up with Sonja a month before you two made your arrangement. They didn’t even care at that point! Elias said Even wanted to break up with her since last year.”

“That’s…,” Isak shook his head. “That can’t be right. Even said she broke up with him just the week before.”

“Believe what you want, Isak,” Sana said, shrugging. “But he really likes you. Everyone can tell.” With that, she rearranged her sunglasses and turned towards the window again. With her arms crossed and her jaw set, it was clear she didn’t want to be disturbed anymore. “Now don’t bother me, I want to sleep.”

Isak retreated further down in his seat, and crossed his arms over his chest, trying to keep his questions at bay.

When they finally got to the resort, it was close to sunset and everyone was too tired to argue with the school assigned room system. Isak ended up in the same room as Magnus which was a double edged sword type of situation at best. On the bright side, Magnus talked enough for both them so Isak’s silence was not noticed. On the other hand, Magnus talked enough for both of them.

Isak fell into bed as Magnus went on and on about some girl he wanted to bang. It stood to reason that he should know who the girl is but Isak couldn’t be bothered to listen to him. His neck ached from the hours of sitting and staring at the back of Even’s head as he laughed and joked around with Ingrid.

Ingrid.

Of all people.

Isak fell asleep to Magnus’ never-ending chatter masquerading as a very annoying lullaby. The next morning, as expected, the two of them were late for breakfast. The dining hall was practically empty when they arrived. Isak needed something warm and strong as already his head was throbbing with a Magnus-induced headache. The boy was unable to shut up for a second. Isak for his part had tuned him out and only inserted fake humming noises every time there was a pause in Magnus’s rants.

He wondered if Even had eaten his breakfast, yet. Was he flirting with Ingrid again? Why didn’t Ingrid just start dating Sara and left everyone else’s boyfriends alone?

“…So will you be a bro and stay with Jonas tonight?” Isak kept on humming along but stopped suddenly.

“Wait, what?” He sat up straight, glaring at Magnus who looked he was caught red-handed. Suddenly Magnus' chattiness seemed less accidental. 

“What what?”

“What you just said, Magnus. What do you mean stay with Jonas?”

Magnus was avoiding his gaze, staring into his bowl of cereal. “I told you, already,” He insisted. “So I can score with Vilde. When we come back from the mountain.”

“Vilde? Our Vilde?”

“Isak, how many Vildes do you know?” Magnus glared at Isak who returned it tenth fold. At last Magnus gave in. “Please? Man, this is my only chance! You can go to Even’s room.”

Isak knew he was blushing. Even if he was fighting the urge with all the self-control he could muster up.

“No, I can’t. don’t be ridiculous. Where will his roommate go? Jesus, Magnus! Think!”

“Well what are we supposed to do then?”

“I don’t know? Go to her room?”

 

Grumbling and mumbling, Magnus finally left to join the others for the ski trip. Isak saw him out with his glares.

Already dressed comfortably in a pair of sweatpants and his favorite sweater and socks, Isak finished his breakfast and went to the sitting area with his book of choice. He planned to spend the day reading by the fire and enjoy hot chocolates like a boss. No ass-freezing, limbs-breaking ice for him.

He had just found the perfect settee when suddenly hands were covering his eyes. Isak’s heart skipped a bit. He didn’t even have to wonder who it was. The long, cool fingers, slightly boney but tender, fingers of an artist, could only belong to one person. The fresh smell of his aftershave, the crisp rustle of his clothes and his soft breath against Isak’s ear, sending trickles of ice travelling down his spine.  

“Guess who?” whispered a rough, quiet voice.

“Even,” Isak said, trying his best to sound exasperated and not breathless. Enchanted. Mesmerized.

The hands lifted from his eyes at once. Isak blinked and looked around. Even’s head appeared beside his, a faux-surprise in his eyes.

“How did you know?”

How could he not? How could he explain that to Even? ' _Because I always know when you’re around; imagining how electric everything feels when we’re touching?'_

Fuck.

“Because,” he said through gritted teeth. “Everyone else who knows me, knows I hate the ‘guess who?’ game.” He finished his sentence with a glare for good measure.

Even, the incorrigible bastard, grinned as he sat down on the floor in front of Isak, completely ignoring his glare.

“Aren’t you gonna get ready?”

Isak looked around. Book, beer disguised as water (courtesy of Jonas), a warm blanket, his phone. “I am ready.”

Even cocked his head to the side. “Are you? You’re gonna go skiing with a book and in your pajamas…is-is that hello kitty socks?”

Isak tugged his feet under himself and stretched down his sweatpants to cover up his socks. “No! Also, I’m not going skiing.”

Even’s smile faded from his face. “Why not?”

Isak shrugged. “I don’t like skiing. And I don’t know how to. Besides, I don’t have equipment anyway. I just want to read a bit. Sana gave me this book about parallel universes…”

“You could’ve read that in Oslo too! Come on, Isak! I can teach you! We’ll go to the child level slopes.”

“Thanks a lot!”

“Come on, Isak!”

Isak looked straight into his eyes before he said: “No!”

Even huffed and crossed his arms. Just then he looked like a petulant twelve-year-old. It would have been endearing if having Even stare at him wasn’t physically painful.

“Then I’m not going either.”

Unbelievable. Nothing could be easy when it came to Even.

“Go teach someone else how to ski!”

“What are you two lovebirds talking about?” Just before Even had the chance to reply to Isak, Vilde’s sing-song voice interrupted them. She was covered head to toe in pink, puffy clothes. The zipper of her jacket was done up all the way but she still wore a pink scarf with knitted flowers sewn on it.

“I want to teach Isak how to ski but he refuses,” he said with a self-assured grin, determined to shame Isak into coming along. Isak shook his head. Incorrigible.

“Oh, you know how to ski? Can you teach _me_?” Even looked like he regretted ever opening his mouth. His grin froze on his face; resembled a grimace more than anything.

It was Isak’s turn to grin. “Yeah, Even! Help Vilde, will you? That way everyone wins. I read my book, Vilde learns skiing and you teach. You know, like you wanted to?”

Even turned his regretful gaze towards Isak. It was saying a million different things, from cries of help to threats but Isak ignored them all. He lifted an eyebrow at Even, challenging him. “Well?”

“Sure,” replied Even through gritted teeth.

There! Isak 1, Even 0.

 Even finally looked back up at Vilde. His previous expression wiped away, he looked flirty and charming as usual. “I’d _love_ to help, Vilde.”

Vilde started to jump up and down and squeal. Isak’s heart skipped a bit as Even smirked at her and got up to leave.

“This’ll be fun,” he muttered.

“What’s going on?” asked Magnus who had just walked up to them. He eyed Vilde with a mixture of awe and desperation. Isak could relate to the expression if not to the object of Magnus’s heartache.

“Even is going to teach Vilde how to ski,” Isak told him. Magnus’s face just then was the dictionary description of terror. Everyone knew Vilde had the biggest crush on Even. It was usually something Isak could ignore. At least up until he figured out his own feelings for Even. Now she was more of an annoyance than ever before.

Vilde gave Magnus a victorious smile. “Isn’t that grand?”

Magnus just stared back at her with his eyes bulging out and his mouth hanging open.

“Shall we, my lady?” Even asked Vilde with his ridiculous, dramatic flares and held out his arm towards her. Vilde just giggled and looped her arm with Even’s and they walked off. Isak watched them walk away. He sure knew how to push a knife through his own heart. He wasn’t sure if he had really won, after all. All they needed now was for Ingrid to join in too. 

Isak 0, Even 1.

“I could have taught you, Vilde,” Magnus said in a quiet, weak voice. It was very unlikely that Vilde would hear him. But Isak had.

 _Hmm. That’s curious_ , Isak thought. _Perhaps, all isn’t lost yet._

“Hey, Magnus. You want to sleep with Vilde, don’t you?” Magnus nodded miserably. “So…why don’t you go with them…and pretend you don’t know how to ski either so then when Even “teaches” you, you can be really good at it and impress Vilde?”

Magnus stood there, pondering Isak’s suggestion for a moment. Then a mischievous smile lit up his face. “Bro!”

Isak gave an encouraging nod. This could work.

“You’re a genius!” Isak watched as Magnus’s eyes zeroed in on Vilde and Even who were now standing with everyone else in the lobby. “GUYS! Wait for me!” shouted Magnus and ran after them.

Isak 1, Even 1. How about that, Bech Næsheim?

With everyone either gone for a dip in the swimming pool or out to ski, Isak finally got a chance to read his book in peace. He stayed by the fire until the sun began to set and the shadows grew long. When he raised his head from his book, the sitting area had turned dark with just the warm, soft light coming from the fire as its only source of light. He sat up and stretched his arms and legs and went back to his and Magnus’s room.

He had just settled on his bed with a new episode of game of thrones ready on his phone when there was a knock on the door. With a long-suffering sigh, he got back up to open the door.

Ready to snap at Magnus for forgetting his key card, he opened the door to face none other than Sana Bakoush.

For a second they both stood there staring at each other. Sana gave him her usual bored and slightly hassled gaze as Isak stared back with his mouth hanging open; not sure what he was supposed to say. Sana was carrying her bags and a pillow. She shifted them around and shrugged.

“Magnus begged me to come here so he and Vilde can hook up,” she said as a way of explanation to Isak’s unasked question.

“But,” Isak started to protest as Sana pushed past him into the room.

“Look, if you want to complain, go find Magnus. I just need to be as far away from that room as possible, right now. You’re welcome to interrupt but you’re on your own.”

Isak winced at the thought. “what about the rules?” Isak asked in all but a mumble.

“Isak, you’re a gay man. I’m a Muslim woman. This room has the most PG-rated pairing possible. Now, I’m hungry. Do you want to get room service?”

Isak paused for a moment before he finally closed the door and walked back into the room. “Can we get fries?”

~*~*~*~*~ 

“So you’re telling me,” said Sana through a mouthful of fries. “you actually like him and you’re still blowing him off? Why didn’t you sit beside him today then?”

“That’s the thing, Sana. He likes Sonja. I’ve gone through the humiliation of liking a guy who’s in love with someone else before and I don’t want a repeat of that again.”

Isak miserably took a bite out of his burger. It was medium rare and he usually liked his well-done. He made a face at it and went for Sana’s egg rolls.

“How do you figure he likes her?” She asked, slapping his hand away.

“What do you mean? I told you; this is why he’s doing this.”

Sana shrugged. “And I told you. As far as I know, their break up was a mutual thing. He never really talks about her anymore either.”

Sana was right. Even hadn’t mentioned Sonja for a long time. It was always Isak who brought her up. It had also been a long while since they ran into her. Isak figured Even’s friends took word to her but why would they? They were Even’s friends, not Sonja’s.

“I might not know much but I still have seen how he looks at you in the hallways when he thinks no one is looking at him,” Sana paused and took a sip of her drink before she fully turned towards Isak. “And from what I see, he’s the opposite of indifferent.”

Isak didn’t know what to say to that. What if she was right? All this time, as he had gotten closer to Even, maybe Even’s feelings had changed too? He thought back to their time together; about all the little information he had collected about Even. The small things he had come to care so deeply for.

Like Even’s sketching on the edges of his books and receipts at cafes. Sometimes when Even ran out of paper, he would start doodling on Isak’s wrist. He never had the heart to just wash them away. He would go home and trace the small lines, over and over again, as he laid in bed.

Or Even’s laughter. That special laugh he had just for when it was the two of them. It was deeper than his usual laugh. Warm and bass and it echoed in Isak’s ribcage. He would do anything to get that laugh out of him. Usually, Even's Isak laugh came easiest when they were collaborating in one of Even's small video projects. Even would start recording with his camera or his phone-if his camera ran out of battery. The main character was always Isak. Isak getting chased by ducks in the park, Isak “accidentally” putting salt in his tea, Isak showing him his latest skateboard tricks and failing miserably. 

Or their conversations. When they were both sleepless and bored, they would talk until the wee hours of the night. Their voices hushed and both of them wrapped in the cocoon of sleep that everyone else was trapped in around them. They were the only people in the world just then. Talking about their childhood dreams, their worst fears, sharing embarrassing stories and sometimes…sometimes simply sharing the silence.

Even. Even. Even. 

His name coursed through his veins with every beat of his heart.

They had something special. It may not be four years of dating like Even and Sonja had, it may not be a torrid love affair like what Noora and William had, it may not be an on again off again tragic romance like Eva and Jonas but it was something. Something new. It was Isak and Even, building something from the ground up, every day, every hour, every minute they spent together.

He exhaled a shaky breath that he seemed to have been holding through these past months. This nervous hope, a fidgeting fluttering sensation that he had kept trapped inside for so long. Cool, fresh air filled up his lungs once more and suddenly the sounds were clearer and the lights were brighter.

“What if… what if we have a chance?” His voice was quiet but Sana heard him.

“You won’t know if you never try, Isak. You should give it a chance.” She was right. Of course, she was. Sana was usually right. Usually.

He picked up his phone from the nightstand beside his bed and sent Even a message.

Isak

Hey.

Where are you?

Even

Downstairs. By the pool.

Why?

 

Isak jumped out of the bed; startling Sana. She gave him a dirty look which he ignored.

“I have to go. I’m not taking the key!”

“Where are you going?” Sana called out just as Isak slammed the door shut behind him and ran down the hall.

 

The pool was almost as long as the length of the entire hotel, with the walls and floor and the ceiling all in blue. The reflection of the water’s waves rippled on the ceiling. Isak felt like he was under the ocean.

It was quiet. Everyone was either sitting in the lounge, eating pizza and playing truth or dare, or they were cooped up in their rooms, recharging after their day.

At first, Isak didn’t see Even at all and thought perhaps he had already left. When he finally located him, his heart began to beat faster. Even was sitting on the other end of the pool. His legs pulled up and his arms resting on them. He was staring at the water. He looked tired.

With a deep breath, Isak made his way towards him. He tried to make as little noise as possible but between the vast nothing surrounding them, it was unlikely Even hadn’t heard him. If he did hear Isak, however, Even did not show it. He sat there unmoving as Isak sheepishly made his way to him and gingerly sat down beside him. Isak leaned his chin on his knees and said nothing. His palms were sweaty. He tried to discreetly dry them on his jeans.

For a while, they both sat in silence; watching the water ripple, shadows rising and falling on the surface of the pool. It wasn’t a comfortable silence, however. It was filled with unspoken words, hasty apologies and confessions bursting to be spoken. The heavy smell of chlorine in the humid air was overwhelming Isak and when he couldn’t stand the silence anymore he said, “Pretty quiet here, huh?”

Even didn’t react. He didn’t turn around and smile his lopsided, disarming smile. His eyes didn’t light up with the anticipation of a witty reply. He kept on staring at the water and just gave a small shrug.

“I guess,” he mumbled in a hoarse voice. Isak grimaced. He seemed to have really fucked up this one. He gulped painfully, his throat dry.

“Was skiing fun?” He tried again. Even shrugged once more before finally moving about and looking over at Isak for a split second.

“If listening to Vilde and Magnus flirt shamelessly is fun, then I suppose it was.”

“Oh, I know! They banished Sana to my room.” This finally, really grabbed Even’s attention. He frowned, confused and indicated for Isak to explain. “They’ve taken over the room so Sana is in our room now.”

Even stared blankly at Isak for a second before his mouth started twitching and eventually laughter bubbled out of him. “She must be loving _that_!”

“Excuse me? I’ll let you know, I’m a great roommate. She should be so lucky.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes! I even let her have my fries.”

“Wow, Isak! That’s so generous. She must feel so honored,” Even made a face and put his hand on his heart in mock sincerity, the laugh lines deepening around his eyes.

“Shut up!” Isak shoved at Even’s arm, making him lose his balance and topple to the side. Once he regained his balance, he turned to Isak, eyes widened, mouth gaping.

“Oh no, you didn’t, Valtersen,” He bellowed before going to shove Isak back. Isak squeaked and dodged. They struggled a while, one pushing the other, both laughing loud and uninhibited. Then before they knew it, one shoved too hard in the wrong direction and they plummeted into the pool. Clothes, shoes, tangled limbs and all. Isak broke the surface first. Gulping huge mouthfuls of air, he timidly began flapping his arms around to stay afloat. The water was cooler than he'd expected.

Even was nowhere to be seen. Isak heavily moved around, his wet clothes weighing him down. Still, he saw no sign of Even. Getting worried, he called out his name but there was no answer. His heart began to beat faster and he was just about to get under the water to rescue Even when long fingers grabbed at his sides from behind and warm breath hit his ear.

“Boo,” said Even’s deep, calm voice. However, in the 2 seconds that all this occurred, Isak barely registered Even’s voice and before he could stop himself, he screamed and jumped out of Even’s reach. His head went under the water and water filled his nose. He sputtered and came back to the surface again.

Even was laughing himself silly while pointing at Isak, shaking with mirth.

“Even!” groaned Isak. Suddenly he wasn’t sure why he even liked Even. He only ever knew how to annoy him.

“Did you think I was dead?” Even managed to gasp out between fits of giggling.

“Yes! Actually. Serves me right for caring,” Isak said with a fake frown. The smile slowly faded away from Even’s face.

“Don’t you dare pull that on me!” Even moved away. Slowly swimming backwards until there was a considerable distance between them. Isak’s heart stuttered. He took one timid step towards Even.

“Why did you decide to help me with this?” He asked suddenly.

“With what?”

Even’s darted glance told Isak he knew exactly what Isak was talking about but he decided to humor him anyway. “The letters. Jonas. This fake thing. Why did you do it?”

Even bit his lower lip, still looking away from Isak.

It seemed as though they were in a bubble where time stood almost still. Every second took an eternity as Isak waited for Even to respond. When he finally looked back at Isak, his eyes burned. His pupils were blown and dark.

“You know why,” he whispered back. His voice echoed in Isak’s head, growing louder and louder still. The water pressed down on Isak’s chest and he gasped to breathe.

“Tell me again, anyway.”

This time Even didn’t look away from him. He looked straight into Isak’s eyes. His eyes burning with unspoken words that floated between them. He seemed vulnerable; blue and small in the spacious pool. He looked like a dream. A mirage born out of Isak’s mind. With his wet hair matted to his head, water drops trickling down his cheek, his lips red and kissable as ever. He swallowed harshly, his Adam's apple bobbed. 

“Why do you think I insisted we take this trip?” Even asked.

“Because you wanted to ski,” Isak replied, lamely. The statement came out more as a question than anything. Even rolled his eyes.

“I made those disgusting cheese toasties you like so much. With cardamom.” Their voices kept on getting quieter but to Isak’s ear, they were as loud as the lashing of a hurricane. Their whispered words yelled into the vacuum space between them.

“Why?” Isak whispered back. The words were barely spoken. More ghosts than words.

“You know why,” Even mouthed the words back.

 Simple.

It was obvious, of course. There was never anything but this. Them. This was the only thing that mattered. That had ever mattered. The next breath had not left his lungs before Isak launched the mere steps left between them towards Even.

Even met him halfway and they crashed into each other. Lips on lips. Hands in hair. Arms around waists. Isak wanted to inhale Even. He wanted to press them against each other as hard as he could; molding them into one giant myth of a creature. Nimble cold finger held Isak’s chin, tilting his head until his mouth opened for Even’s.  Every touch of their lips and tongues seemed to burn. All was cold around them but they were burning. Isak tightened his grip on Even’s hair; a soft gasp escaping his mouth. He kicked out in the water until he was clinging to Even arms and legs. Even immediately gripped Isak’s thighs, securing them around his hips. He started to move. Isak was too distracted by the feel of their chests pressed against each other, their hearts beating in unison to understand what Even was doing until his back softly hit the wall of the swimming pool.

They stopped kissing just then. Their eyes met for a brief second. Even’s eyes mirrored the hunger reflected in Isak’s eyes. Then their gaze broke again as Even started peppering Isak jaw and neck with soft kisses. A feral sound ripped out of Isak’s throat and he arched his back causing a friction between them. They both groaned.

It was too much.

In the back of his mind, Isak knew they should stop before things escalated but he didn’t have the self-control to actually stop anything.

Just then, a loud banging noise echoed through the pool, startling Isak and Even apart. As they looked up, the lights went off and silence fell all around them once again.

They stood there in silence, still clinging to each other and catching their breaths; trying to navigate their positions in the darkness.

“Did they,” Even started to say before his voice broke. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Did they just close the pool?”

Silence.

“Fuck!” They rushed out of the pool. Laughing and gasping as they rinsed out water from their water-heavy clothes. Grasping at each other’s hands, they began to tiptoe around the edge of the pool and out. The rest of the hallways were thankfully lit but the awkward slushing of wet shoes on the terrain made their progress back to their rooms much slower than it should have been. That and the fact that they kept on stopping in the staircase landings to steal small kisses that escalated into heated make outs way too fast.

When they finally reached Isak’s room, he no longer dripped water and his skin was flushed a rosy red. He took a deep breath and turned back to Even.

“This is me!” Even nodded, staring down at their feet. He looked up at Isak through water darkened lashes and gave a timid, crooked smile.

Oh, the tease! He was using the smolder on him!

This made Isak giggle involuntarily and then immediately cover his mouth with a sleeve to murder the sound. Isak Valtersen _did not_ giggle!

“Goodnight,” Even said, cheekily. He bent down and kissed the corner of Isak’s mouth before Isak had a chance to reply and then he was skipping away. Walking backward and staring Isak down until he reached the other end of the hallway and got to his own room.

Isak didn’t want to go back into his room. He wanted to remain outside and stare at Even some more. Alas, he knocked on the door, hoping Sana was still awake and hopefully not too mad at Isak for coming back up so late.

She opened the door a white towel wrapped around her head. Her eyes were droopy.

“I ate all your fries,” she announced before moving to her bed and settling under the covers with a book. “Also you’re wet.”

Isak leaned his head against the door. “I know.”

It finally sank in. Even liked him. They liked each other. This was an actual event. Isak was in love. He had a boyfriend who also loved him. And wait for it… EVEN was the boyfriend!

They had kissed for so long, Isak thought his lips must be bruised where Even’s lips had left their mark on him. His heart still beat twice, nay thrice the normal speed.

He knew he would lay awake all night, replaying the pool scene in his head over and over again.

After taking a shower and changing into some dry clothes, Isak settled down in his bed, Sana already fast asleep.

The moment his head hit the pillow, he was unconscious. Kissing Even over and over again in his dreams.

~*~*~*~*~

The next morning was a flurry action as they hurriedly packed their bags, grabbed breakfast and were huddled into the bus back home.

Isak lost all pretense and sat beside Even. Leaning on his side with Even’s arm around him. Even let Isak take the window seat because he knew he liked looking out the window but Isak hardly glanced out what with having a much better view on the other side. He buried his nose in the crook of Even’s neck inhaling him. He smelled like cinnamon and a cool spicy unidentified scent which must have been his shower product. They stole small kissed and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

“Aw, don’t they look cute?” Isak opened his eyes to Vilde staring down at him with an unnecessarily big smile. Chris standing beside her, looked kind of awkward. He immediately frowned.

“What the hell, Vilde?”

“We’re home! You’re the only ones left on the bus.” Chris nodded beside Vilde. Even began to stir beside Isak just then looking all sleep fuzzy and soft. Isak fought back the urge to grin at him like a doped up idiot, just because Vilde was staring at them.

He stumbled out and collected his bag. Suddenly in the blue light of the familiar cement world of Oslo and their school, the events of that morning and the night before seemed less real and more dreamlike. They stood in silence. Stealing secret smiles and then looking away. They stood there in awkward silence until Isak cleared his voice.

“Can we see each other tomorrow?”

 “So I guess we’ll have to go-”

They spoke at once then stumbled into silence again before trying to speak again at once. Isak frowned. It should have been easier to talk. They did that all the time. The kissing might be new but not the talking.

Even shook his head. “You go first.”

“Can we see each other tomorrow?”

“Um, maybe not? We’re going to visit my grandmother in Tromsø. When I come back, though? We can meet then?”

Isak’s heart was beating too fast. Even bit his lip as he waited for him to reply. Isak had to admit to himself, Even looked as anxious as he felt.

“That’s a good idea,” he said with a soft smile. Even exhaled, returning the smile.

“Great! I’ll…talk to you later?”

“Yeah!”

“Good.”

“Good.”

They fell into silence again. Even released a shaky breath. “Okay, I’m gonna walk away now.”

“Yeah, me too!” They both coughed out an awkward laugh and with waves and some stumbling, both made their way home. Isak smiled all the way home.

~*~*~*~*~

They did not speak that night. Nor did they speak the next day. Or the day after that. In fact, Isak spent the major part of that week dodging his father’s messages for them to hang out, studying when Eskild was not bullying him into participating in the festive season traditions he declared into existence on the spot and anxiously waiting for Even to text him; much to his chagrin. They had texted once, talking about Even’s younger cousins driving him up the walls, but otherwise Even had been radio silent.

Then on Wednesday, Noora had come home after grocery shopping and said she had seen Even shopping with an older woman-presumably his mother- when she was out. Isak figured, they must have returned the night before but Even hadn’t had time to call him. Isak wanted to text him with a witty quip, to let Even know he knew Even was back but decided that was too stalker-ish.  So he opted to wait for Even to contact him. Which he didn’t. Isak busied himself with other work. He tried watching a movie and cleaning up his room and even reading a book but he found he couldn’t concentrate and by noon, he was restless and pissy.

After all, why did he have to wait for Even to call when he could do the calling instead?

He picked up his phone. Put it back down then picked it up again. Finally, he settled on a text.

Isak

Hey! What’s up? Want to hang out? I’m alone this afternoon ;)

He waited but no reply came. Noon descended into the afternoon and the sky darkened but there was still no sign of Even. Isak was starting to get worried. What if something had happened. What if Even needed him? So he picked up his phone and dialed Even’s number.

It rang and rang and Isak almost hung up when finally, an unfamiliar voice answered.

“Hello?”

Isak frowned. “Um, hi? Is…Even there?”

“Oh, he’s taking a shower right now. I can take a message?”

Isak shook his head. “Um, who is this?”

“Oh, sorry. This is Sonja. Even’s… friend. Who should I say called? Hello?”

Isak hung up.

~~~~~***~~~~~

 


	7. Dear Isak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A whole lot of stuff occur!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter! Finally! We are here. If I learned anything from this experience, it's that, finish writing first then start posting chapters.

“Love is scary: it changes; it can go away. That's the part of the risk. I don't want to be scared anymore.”

― Jenny Han, To All the Boys I've Loved Before

 

Dear Isak

 

He wanted to be mad. At himself. At Even. At Eskild who was so damn cheerful all the time. At Sana for pushing him to go for it. At Jonas and Eva for breaking up. At Sonja, for being perfect.

But ultimately, he knew it was all his own fault. He felt stupid to ever think anything could be that easy.

He liked Even and Even liked him back?

Sure.

Just until his first option became available again.

A little after Isak hung up the phone Even tried to call him back so Isak turned his phone off. Then Even showed up at the door, knocking and begging Isak to open the door. Isak simply put his headphones on and listened to the angriest song he could find as loud as he could bear. Still, the knocking sound bit into his head like a persistent woodpecker. With a long-suffering groan, Isak sprang out of bed and towards the front door.

“What? What do you want?” He all but growled at Even when the door flew open. He wasn’t going to be the butt of the joke any longer. Enough was enough.

Even just stared back at Isak with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. He hadn’t expected Isak to actually open the door and it looked like it took him a second to gather himself.

“Isak, listen…”

“No! You listen,” Isak threateningly waved his point finger in Even’s face, making him step slightly back. “This is over. This…stupid game we played, it’s done. I’m done with this. It’s not fun anymore and congratulations! Now you have Sonja back too, I see, so that’s great.”

“Isak, it’s not what you think, I-”

Isak barked out a humorless laugh. “Isn’t it? How do you know what I’m thinking? Because I’m thinking that I just talked with Sonja who picked up your phone when you were in the shower.”

“Yes, but-”

“But what?” Truth was he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to know what Even had to say. He just wanted Even to go away. He wanted him out of his space. Out of his life.

“If you would just let me explain-”

“No.”

Even frowned. “What?”

“No. I don’t want to let you explain. I…honestly don’t care,” he paused, shaking his head. “You know why I did this, Even?”

When Even didn’t say anything, Isak went on. “I am in love with Jonas. Yup! That’s the truth. Finally admitting it and guess what? He’s straight. He’s been straight our whole lives and then he went ahead and started dating my best friend and that  _killed_  me. It just killed me to watch them together. But guess what? I couldn’t even enjoy the fact that they broke up. All the fucking good that did me! So you see, I only did this because Jonas can  _never_  know. He can never know because I’d rather have him as my friend than not have him in my life at all. Even if it hurts to see him with other people. Even if it hurts to see him get hurt over and over again, knowing if he was mine, I wouldn’t let it go to waste. You meant nothing to me. You’re just a means to an end. That’s it. Now you need to leave because I think we’re done with each other. I know I meant nothing to you either so let’s not make this situation any more ridiculous by lying to ourselves as well. Deal?”

Even stared back at Isak. His eyes pierced through Isak’s clothes and skin, seeming to stab him in the heart. Isak could feel himself warm up. Shudders ran up and down his body from shame, anger, sadness. He couldn’t seem to find a proper name for all that he was feeling that instant.

“Is that it for you then?” Even asked at last. His voice hoarse and thick as if he had been screaming for hours.

“Yes.” The whisper was defeated and broken. It sounded all wrong and askew even to Isak’s own ears.

Even however, didn’t seem to have heard that in his voice. He finally looked away from Isak and down at his shoes. “Goodbye, Isak.” He didn’t wait to hear Isak’s reply and rushed down the stairs, not even pausing as his shoulder slammed hard into the person standing frozen on the steps whom they had both missed, up until that moment. The person being none other than Jonas.

Not for the first time that night, Isak’s world seemed to shift on its axis all around him. His eyes blurred. With numb fingers, he struggled to get the door closed. He would be safe behind the locked doors where he could shut out the world. Even. Jonas. Everyone.

Jonas, who seemed to have been reanimated by Even’s body slam, ran the few remaining steps up to the door and put himself in the threshold, preventing Isak from slamming the door in his face.

“Isak…stop! Let’s talk about this.” They struggled to push each other out of the way but Isak finally gave up and Jonas stumbled into the flat.

“What do you want?” Isak shouted. His arms were flying all around and he could only imagine the picture he painted. Red with anger, wild and savage like an animal. He was probably frothing around the mouth like a rabid dog. “Happy now? So yeah… go ahead! Tell me what a shit friend I am. Go on! Lecture me about how you just can’t be my friend anymore.”

“Isak…What are you talking about? You’ll always be my best friend.”

“What are you doing here, anyway?”

“You didn’t answer your phone. I decided to surprise you…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. I…” he trailed off. He seemed to be unable to look Isak in the eyes. His eyes roamed all over the place but avoided looking straight at Isak. A beat passed.

“I think you should leave, Jonas.” Isak could see Jonas’ face redden. He was still looking away from Isak. Even the curls of his hair looked hassled and uncomfortable.

"Isak...I know your upset now. I'm here if you want to talk about this later." Without another word, he dashed out of the door. His steps sounded way too fast as he ran down them and away. Isak kicked the door shut and went back to his room.

His muffled scream into his pillow stayed right there, unheard and unfinished.

~*~*~*~

Eskild would not shut up about their new family holiday traditions. He had dressed Linn up as a reindeer, forced them all to help bake Christmas cookies with Noora and when that crashed and burned, he cajoled Isak and Linn to help with the decorations as he and Noora did the baking. He had spent an obscene amount of money, buying a Christmas tree and ornaments and confetti. Only informing everyone that they had to chip in, after the fact. So there went Isak’s monthly allowance.

They had gotten into numerous fights; the two of them. Eskild had forced Isak out of his room and into the living room with the “spending time together” excuse, which…no thanks, Isak would prefer not to.  Isak’s contempt and growls and hissy fits didn’t discourage him at all. Isak had to hide in an actual closet to finally escape Eskild’s assaults.

Then, just to add to Isak’s misery, his father dropped Lea off at his place on Friday morning as he went on a trip with his new girlfriend to visit her family.

Even hadn’t tried to contact Isak again. Which he was grateful for in a masochistic way. Jonas had been utterly quiet so far as well but this was much less satisfying an outcome for Isak. Dread ate away at him as he waited and tried to guess what Jonas was doing with the new information he had. What if he told Eva? What if they both decided to stop being friends with him? What if everyone at school knew and hated him now?

He stewed in these thoughts, getting more and more irritated until basically everyone in the house started avoiding him. Lea played with Linn the reindeer and stayed the nights in Noora’s room which was for the best as Isak only tossed and turned in bed but did not fall asleep.  

He kept on replaying everything in his head. The kiss in the pool. Sonja’s voice through the phone. His rant to Even. Over and over on a loop, until they all jumbled into one massive monstrosity in his head; haunting his waking and sleeping moments alike.  

By Sunday, he was sleep deprived, angry, sad and hardly mobile. It was in this state that he walked into the kitchen around 12 o’ clock after a restless night of nightmares and staring up at the white ceiling. Sounds of laughter and the cheesy music on the radio came from the kitchen even before he reached it and he cringed. He had hoped by then everyone would be done eating. This was what his life had come to; tiptoeing around the house to avoid everyone.

“Let’s see if we can flip this pancake.” This was the moment Isak walked in. Eskild in his gingerbread man onesie standing in the middle of the kitchen, his legs bent into a froglike stance and his tongue peeking from the side of his mouth, holding the pan, ready to flip. Isak stopped in the threshold, second-guessing his decision to come here when he noticed Eva sitting at the table.

“Look who has graced us with his presence! Prince Isak in the house!” Hearing Eskild’s announcement, Eva and Lea turned towards Isak and began to cheer.

“Isak! Grumpy boy! Come on here! We’re making a pancake tower,” Eva made grabby hands towards Isak until he had relented to let her squeeze him in a tight but brief hug. Sure enough, a messy crooked tower of pancakes sat in the middle of the table. A gooey substance dripped down from all the layers.

“Wow looks delicious,” Isak said in a deadpan voice.

“Oh come on! Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” Eva said in mock defensiveness. Isak gave another look to the soggy pancakes and one look to the sticky hands of his sister and shook his head.

“I’ll pass.”

Eva shrugged. “Your loss.”

“Lea, go wash your hands, you’re going to make everything sticky.” Lea looked like she wanted to argue her way out of it but then thought better of it-given Isak’s sunny mood, it wasn’t a surprise- and left with a meek nod. Satisfied, Isak settled in his chair.

“You see, Eva, Isak here has got himself a boyfriend who cooks him cuisines so now he doesn’t appreciate our humble creations anymore,” Eskild set the latest pancake down in front of Isak. “He’s been extra grumpy this week because he’s had to eat our food.”

“Oh, poor Isak. So loooonely,” Eva said in a sing-song voice, pouting in mock pity. “He wants his Even back!”

“Stop it,” mumbled Isak, frowning hard into his plate as he slumped down. Eskild and Eva ignored him.

“Oh yes,” agreed Eskild, mimicking Eva’s tone. “They’ve been all lovey-dovey. You know what they say?”

“Guys, cut it out…”

Eva and Eskild shared a mischievous look then both burst into song, “Isak and Even, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

Isak’s knife clanked down on the plate and he stood up at once. The chair scraped painfully against the floor. “We broke up!” he yelled. Too loud for the small space. Louder than he had intended. Eva and Eskild fell silent at once. They were staring at Isak with wide round eyes; pitying eyes. He hated that. He shook his head and stepped back. “No, don’t give me that look!”

“Isak, I’m sorry…,” Eva started to say, her hands reaching out to Isak but he shook his head again. Eva promptly dropped her hands into her lap, chastised.

“No! You don’t know anything. It was fake. None of it was real. He never liked me, okay?”

“Isak, of course, he liked you. Don’t say that!” Eskild sounded counseling. Fatherly. Isak felt his shame like an aurora around him.

“No,” he said through gritted teeth. “I asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend.”

Eva and Eskild stared at him in stunned silence. This, made Isak ever angrier. Their clueless innocent looks made him feel even more like a fraud.

“Yup…that’s right! It was fake because I had a crush on Jonas and he found out so I had to do something! So Even, you know Even? Even volunteered to pretend to be my boyfriend to make his ex jealous. Which it worked but here is the fun part. I fucked up! ‘Cause guess what? I actually fell for him but that doesn’t matter anymore because it was  _never_  real and it will  _never_ be real and now he’s back with her and I’m sitting here feeling exactly as shitty as I was feeling before. So there! I’m a bad person! And I’m suffering for it.”

His speech done, he stood there, breathing shallow breaths. His heart was pounding and his throat hurt. He felt cold sweat break out on his face and only realized they were tears when Eva got up and did put her arms around his neck, then wiped away at his cheeks.

He was ashamed. Here he was, having betrayed Eva and she was the one comforting him. Yet, he didn’t have the energy to push her away. He clung to her, burying his face in her neck. In his misery, he noted, she smelled like orange blossoms. It was the most comforting scent in the world.

“Breathe, Isak. Breathe.”

They stood clinging to each other in the middle of the kitchen for a while. Isak distantly heard Lea trying to come back inside and asking what was going on before Eskild ushered her out and went with her. They stood like that until Isak could breathe normally again and his eyes were no longer full of unshed tears.

Eva stepped away and searched Isak's eyes, her arms still around him. “Let’s go talk in your room, okay?” Her voice was gentle, like when she talked to Lea. Isak nodded and let her guide him to his room.

Isak sat on the edge of the wobbly bed. There was a small distance between them again and Isak shifted awkwardly around as Eva closed the door and sat down herself.

“Okay, do you want to tell me everything from the beginning now?” Eva asked when the silence went on for too long. Isak gathered up his courage, nodded his head once and told her everything. From his crush on Jonas to the letters and Even coming up to him and their fake relationship. He told her about his growing feelings for Even and the phone call. Eva said nothing and only nodded her head encouragingly to keep him talking. Once he was done, they settled into silence again.

Then Eva said, “Wow. That’s… a lot!”

“I know! I’m so sorry-”

 “Isak you need to stop apologizing,” Eva interrupted, shaking her head. “If anything, I should apologize.”

Isak frowned. “Why would you apologize?”

“I wasn’t a good friend. You should have felt like you could talk to me about all this but I’ve been so caught up with me and Jonas’ drama that I've been an appalling friend. We both have. We just…we made you feel like a third-wheel.”

Isak looked down, playing with his nails. “You don’t need to apologize. It wasn’t your fault. I just didn’t know how to tell you guys. I thought Jonas would immediately know I had a crush on him and… I don’t know. I guess I was scared of losing you guys.”

“Oh no.” Eva scooted closer to him and put her arm around his shoulder. “You’ll never lose us. No matter what. We’re the golden trio! We’ll be together forever.”

“Thanks, Eva.”

“Anytime, Isakiyaki!”

“I told you to stop calling me that!” Isak rolled his eyes. Secretly, he did like the nickname.

“But it’s too much fun!” Eva grinned back, no sign of remorse in her behavior. She knew he liked the nickname, too.

“I think you should talk with Jonas,” Eva said suddenly.

“Why?”

“He’s your best friend. Have some faith in him. He won’t react badly; you know? He loves you, too.”

“I’m not in love with him anymore!” Isak blurted out. He needed Eva to know that. He wasn’t sure why, but it was important for this to be clear.

“Yes, Isak, I know,” She replied with a roll of her eyes. Then her gaze softened. “You’re in love with Even.”

Isak wished he could will himself out of blushing. “I never knew what it would be like to actually love someone. With a crush, you just create this imaginary version of the person. It’s a daydream. They can actually be the opposite of what you think they are. I never knew what it would be like to actually have someone to hold and be with.

“I thought I knew what it was to love when I thought I was in love with Jonas but that was just a crush. It was so different with Even. I couldn’t magically change his behavior and personality when it didn’t match my standards. At first, I didn’t like them, I thought it was good that he wasn’t _the man of my dreams_. Then…then I started to like all those things about him too and I don’t know what to do now. It hurts so much worse now.”

Eva squeezed his shoulder. “I know what you mean. It’s messier when you actually in a relationship with someone. Hell, look at Jonas and me! We’re a mess but it’s the real deal. I think the difficult part is par for the course and actually worth it. Even if it hurts.”

“So what do you think I should do now?”

“I think, you should let yourself feel, Isak. If you don’t try, no relationship would work. I think…maybe you should talk to Even. _Really_ talk this time instead of pushing him away by saying hurtful lies to him to make him go away. You were trying to spare your feelings, I get that. I get the urge to do this but I think you’ll regret it if you don’t tell Even how you really feel. It’s not fair to you but it’s not fair to him either.”

Deep down, Isak knew Eva was right. It was still so scary to think about; admitting it with actual words. He was in love. He was hurting. But he would try harder for that love now.

Isak opened his mouth to say so but there came a soft knock on the door. They both turned towards the door which was opened a fraction and Lea’s button nose was peaking inside. “Can I come in now? You said I should knock first?”

Eva chuckled and Isak shook his head, unable to help the fond smile taking over his face. “Come in, Lea!”

She opened the door all the way and skipped over to sit beside Eva. Lea loved Eva which charmed Eva to no end even if she didn’t know where the affection came from. Lea had told Isak once that Eva looked like a mermaid but Eva didn’t need to know that was the reason Lea liked her.

“Did you eat your tower?” Eva asked her now as she pushed the unruly blond curls out of Lea’s face and played with them.

“Kind of. It toppled over and fell on Linn. She’s taking a shower now.”

The three of them sat in silence, thinking about the implications of Linn being hassled enough to take a shower due to a sticky pancake attack.

“You know what I still don’t get?” asked Eva no one in particular.

“What?” came Isak’s reply.

“Who sent the letters?” They both frowned. It was true. Isak never figured out who took the shoebox. He had since taken measures to retrieve the letters from everyone. Even’s was easy to get back and Chris had practically thrown it back at Isak. He still didn’t have Jonas'.

“I don’t know.”

Lea gave a little squirm and detached herself from Eva and stood up. She took one step back then turned to Isak.

“Isak, remember how you said I’m your favorite sister?”

“You’re my only sister,” Isak said in a deadpan voice, not knowing where Lea was going with this.

“I Just want you to remember that before I tell you something.” She bit her lower lip and gave a nervous glance towards the door as she kneaded the bottom of her shirt. “I…ItookyourshoeboxwiththeprettylettersandIsentthem.”

Isak blinked once. Twice. There was a ringing noise in his ear. “I’m,” he started to say, in the calmest, quietest tone possible. “going to kill you!”

Lea began to jump up and down, making a noise between a whimper and a wail.

“Isak,” said Eva, in a threatening tone. “Isak, don't!”

“AAAAAAA!! Shouted Isak and he got up. Lea screamed and ran out of the room. Eva jumped up with Isak, trying to hold him back and shouting something Isak could not register anymore. He ran out after Lea. Eva ran out after him.

They ran all around the house. Eskild screamed in terror as they jumped over the couch and began running after them, screaming something about the neighbors. Linn stepped out of the bathroom, hair wet, wearing fresh sweater and sweatpants, took one look at the commotion and went right back into the bathroom and closed the door again.

Lea finally ran into Noora’s room when Noora opened the door and came out to see what was going on. She dragged Noora with her and they slammed the door shut.

Isak ran right into the door and began rapping at it. “Open this door right.now.Lea! I’m going to kill you!”

Eva slumped beside Isak, breathing heavily. “That’s…not…encouraging…at all.”

He stopped knocking on the door and faced Eva. “SHE did it! She’s the reason I’m in this a mess! It’s all her fault.”

“I know; I know but consider this. Forgiveness?” Eva shrugged, making a face.

“Really?” Isak crossed his arms and glared at her.

“Can someone tell me what is going on?” asked Eskild, also breathless. Eva shut a hand out towards him, silencing him.

“Yes! See how I forgave you for being in love with my boyfriend?”

“I thought we established I wasn’t and you said you were cool with that!”

“Yes! But now you’re trying to kill your nine-year-old sister and I’m trying to think on my feet, Isak! Give me a break!”

Well, when she put it that way. Isak exhaled, his adrenaline induced energy finally dwindling, he sort of slipped sort of tumbled down to the floor and sat with his side against the door.

“I can’t believe she did this to me.”

“She’s a kid,” reasoned Eva. “She didn’t know what she was doing.” She sat down cross-legged beside Isak as Eskild came over too.

“I’m confused. Lea did what now?”

Eva shook her head. “Long story, bro!”

They sat there for a while, not really talking but not quite silent either. At last, Noora called out from the other side of the door, asking them if it was safe for Lea and her to come out.

“Yeah, fine. I’m not homicidal anymore.” Isak shrugged and scooted over as the door opened. Lea hid halfway behind Noora, holding onto her arm for dear life.

“Isak, Lea has something to say to you,” Noora said aloud and gave Lea a small nudge.

Lea shifted slightly over and looked down at Isak with her large, watery eyes. “I’m sorry I took your stuff and sent them out. I was mad at you after you yelled at me, last time Eva was here and I didn’t know it was an important shoebox. It was super dirty, I mean, you should put important things somewhere safer, Isak”

“Okay, let’s keep it simple now,” interrupted Noora, patting Lea’s shoulder. “We don’t want to make your brother angry again.”

Lea bit her lips and retreated behind Noora. Isak sighed. He barely remembered that day. Lea had burst into his room and he yelled at her for not knocking. He should have known better. Lea  _was_ incorrigible.

“I forgive you. I shouldn’t have yelled at you that day. I’m sorry. But Lea? You can’t just go through people’s stuff without their permission. That was a very bad thing you did.”

A tear fell from Lea’s one visible eye from behind Noora and she looked down, nodding her head. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Come here.”

Isak took her small body into his arms and she circled her arms around his neck. She was a little monster but she was his little monster. No returns.

“I know what we should do now to celebrate this momentous occasion!” Eva said, mischief sparkling in her eyes.

“Drink?” Eskild guessed half-heartedly.

 .

They moved into the backyard, all of them wearing various layers. Isak carried the three letters; the one he got from Even, the one Pchris returned and the one that was sent back due to the wrong address.

Eskild ceremoniously set the pot on the ground and took out a lighter. Noora and Lea stood back for safety’s sake and Linn stood beside Isak and Eva, holding a bottle of water.

“We are gathered here,” Eva said, an air of grandeur about her.

“Why do you say it like that? It’s not a funeral,” said Eskild.

“Or a wedding, “mumbled Linn.

“But it is! This is the end of an era… Now please stop interrupting me.” Eva glared at Eskild and Linn then cleared her throat and went on. “We are gathered here so Isak can burn the relics of times long passed as he steps into a new, letterless era. Which basically means if he feels something he’s going to talk about it instead of putting them in highly dangerous addressed and stamped letters. Eskild? Will you do the honors?”

Eskild gave a dramatic bow and stepped close to the pot. “Isak?”

Isak took a deep breath and stepped forward. He held out one of the letters over the pot and Eskild lit it with the lighter. They watch the envelope catch fire. The paper curled in on itself and Isak dropped it into the pot before it burned his hand. Then with one last glance, he dropped the other two letters in the pot.

He stood up and they all stood there and watched the letters turn to ash. Thick, grey smoke rose from the small bonfire. It stung their eyes and one by one they started coughing.

“Whose brilliant idea was this?” asked Noora between coughs.

“Eva’s!” Eskild coughed back.

“It was supposed to be a symbolic sendoff.”

“Your symbolic sendoff is choking us to death!”

“Linn? Can you pour the water in now?” asked Eva in an urgent voice. Linn coughed once in reply and dumped the water in. An even darker smoke rose and they all stepped back with cries.

“Oh god!”

“I’m going to stink like smoke now!”

“Oh please! Live a little.”

~*~*~*~*~

Things were slightly better after that.  Isak and Lea went to visit their mom. Isak and Eva were talking every night, just like old times. He still wasn’t ready to speak with Even. The mere thought of his name sent a painful rush through his heart that forced him to stop in his track and take deep calming breaths until he was fine again. It was a slow way back to normalcy but it was something.

Isak had finally sent Jonas a text and they agreed to meet at the park. Isak arrived early. He had been so nervous, he almost left the house without his phone.

He was sitting on a bench watching a family make a snowman when Jonas arrived. Before Isak could say anything, Jonas pulled Isak into a fierce hug. “I thought you would never talk to me again.”

“You think I’m stronger than I really am,” replied Isak into Jonas’ scarf.

Jonas chuckled and shook his head. They sat back on the bench and watched the snowman-making process together.

“Jonas?”

“hmm?”

“I need to tell you something.” He looked over at Jonas. A small frown knotted his eyebrows together and he gulped visibly.

“Is this about what happened Wednesday night?” Isak looked away as Jonas turned towards him.

Isak couldn’t look him in the eyes. He could feel Jonas’ worried gaze but he couldn’t face it. “Kind of. It’s about that letter you got all the way back in October. The thing is…I did have a crush on you.”

For the second time, Isak found himself telling the story of the letters and his arrangement with Even. This time he was on autopilot as he told the story. It seemed like he was having an honest conversation every other day. “So basically I pretended to be with Even so you would think the letter was just a joke. It wasn’t? I…kind of was in love with you in middle school.”

“I knew,” said Jonas, his expression as neutral as Isak had ever seen it.

“ _What?_ ”

“I knew. I knew since we were in middle school. I never said anything because I didn’t know what to say and I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Isak shook his head. This was too much. “But…why didn’t you say anything at all? All this time?”

“I didn’t want you to be embarrassed. You already looked so flustered every time we met up. I didn’t want to make things harder and then it seemed like you got over the whole thing anyway, so I said nothing.”

Unbelievable. “My whole life has been a lie!”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” said Jonas with a laugh.

“I thought you’d hate me if you knew.”

“What? Why would I hate you? Isak, you’re my best friend in the whole wide world. I love you. Well…maybe not like the way you felt- it is past tense, right?”

Isak winced. “Yeah. Even kind of cured me of my Jonas-crush.”

Jonas nodded. “I’d feel hurt but fair is fair.”

“I fucked up though.” They both winced, remembering what happened on Wednesday.

“Why  _did_  you say that to the poor guy?”

Isak smirked. “This is so weird. I can’t believe you’re a patron of Even now.”

Jonas dropped his head and looked away. “Yeah. At first I wasn’t sure if he deserved you. I guess my best friend instincts kicked in but then as we got to know him more, I realized he was a cool dude. I think he really likes you too.”

“Eh, I don’t know about that.” Jonas gave him a questioning look so Isak went on. “I called him a couple of days ago and his ex-girlfriend answered his phone.”

“So?” Jonas narrowed his eyes and shrugged. “That doesn’t mean anything. Would you panic if Eva answered my phone?”

Isak gave him an incredulous look. “Of course, I will!”

Jonas shook his head. “Okay maybe not the best example but what I mean is that maybe they’re friends too? Like Eva and I are. Just because they hang out, it doesn’t mean they’re going to get back together.”

Or so everyone kept telling Isak. At this point, he was too ashamed to attempt to talk with Even. After his over-the-top reaction that night, a logical approach seemed laughable.

“What do I do now?”

“Just talk to him, man. Go fight for what you want. Even if he is considering getting back with her, let him know you like him too.”

Isak huffed. “I guess there’s no avoiding it.”

Jonas put a hand on Isak’s shoulder. “Nope, there isn’t.”

They sat in comfortable silence watching the snow-covered Park as more children came to play with their parents.

“So since we’re on a transparency streak, I should probably tell you something,” said Jonas. “Eva and I have been hanging out lately.”

“WHAT?”

 .

As it turned out, it had been Jonas who sent Eva over to the flat to check up on Isak. He didn't tell her what happened but that perhaps Isak needed her. They hadn’t talked much but it was their mutual love and worry for Isak that brought them back together and they had been pleasantly surprised to find the residue awkwardness of their break up was no longer there. Before Isak and Jonas separated that morning, they agreed to hang out, just the three of them and soon. A way to get their groove back, as Jonas put it.

Isak felt lighter. A huge burden was finally off his chest. He felt like skipping. He found himself hiding a secret smile in the scarf around his neck as he made his way back home. He made a stop at the grocery store. As per Eskild’s demand, he was given a list of groceries to get.

He stepped into the warm shop and began going through the aisles, looking for the items on his list when he heard someone call out his name.

Confused, he looked around to find none other than Sonja make her way towards him. For a moment, he wondered if he could just turn around and walk away; pretend he hadn't seen her but she was smiling now and no longer called his name.

He braced himself, readying himself for another assault like the one from the Halloween party.

“Isak! Hi! Merry Christmas!”

“Um hi?”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine?” He inched slightly away from her and she noticed. Her smile fell and she looked down.

“Look, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior when we met each other before. I acted like a bitch. It’s true, I did. I just wasn’t sure what I was feeling back then. I _am_ happy for you guys. Even deserves someone who loves him and you seem like a very nice guy. I mean... Even wouldn’t shut up about you!”

Iak's head hurt. He'd just had another enlightening conversation and now, here was Sonja, acting in a manner that made no sense to Isak. It wasn’t even 11 o’clock yet. “You talked to Even about me?”

Sonja bit her lip. “I hope it’s not a problem but Even and I have been friends for such a long time and we might not be dating anymore but we do hang out. Even…did tell you, right?”

“Well, no.”

“Fuck! Look! It’s not like that, okay? I’m dating someone else. I’m not trying to come between you guys. I swear!” She looked quite genuine, with her eyebrows narrowed and a crease to her forehead. Given all the revelations Isak had in the past few days, he was in no position to doubt her. Jonas and Eva were hanging out again, for crying out loud. Maybe Sonja wasn’t as bad as Isak had assumed her to be either.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to worry about that.”

“I just really do care about him, you know.” She blushed a bit. “At first, it was hard to let go of all the memories and the heartache. We dated for such a long time but the spark was gone and we were just going through the motions. It was hard to see that but now I have a good thing in my life and I know the difference. I just want Even to have that too.”

“That’s…very kind of you to say, Sonja. I don’t know what to say, really.”

She smiled. “Say hi to Even for me, okay?” Isak nodded, he didn’t have the heart to tell her it was over. She started to walk away but then turned back again. “Just one more thing. It…can get hard sometimes. If it does, just take things one day at a time. If that’s too much then just takes things one minute to another. It’ll get better.”

Isak smiled at her. “Thanks, Sonja.”

She returned his smile.

~*~*~*~*~

All signs- and persistent advice from his friends- pointed towards Isak talking to Even and so on the last day of the holidays, Isak finally picked up his phone and called Even. It rang and rang but Even did not pick up. Isak didn’t have the heart to hang up. He thought maybe Even would answer on the very last ring but he didn't, Resigned, Isak settled on a text.

Isak  

Hi, Even. Can we talk sometime? Whenever it’s good for you?

He waited for a reply but none came. The next day at school, he tried to find Even but he seemed to not be at school. It was possible that Even was simply avoiding Isak and didn’t want to speak with him ever again (Isak wouldn’t blame him.) but he couldn’t help worry that something terrible had happened. He wanted to go over to his place but he had decided that should be a last resort.

Things were slowly getting back to normal. Jonas and Eva and Isak met up after school and it was as if they hadn’t spent a day apart. The flatshare was once again calm and in order much to Noora’s delight. Still, Isak waited nervously for Even’s reply.

It came three days later.

Isak was going through Instagram on his phone when there came a knock on Isak’s door.

“Isak, there’s a letter for you.”

Isak frowned and got up to open the door. Eskild stood behind the door, a conspiratorial smirk on his face. He held out a blue envelope towards Isak. Isak took it, suspicious. Then he saw the sender.

**Even Bech Næsheim**

He hurriedly thanked Eskild and closed the door. He leaned against the door and opened the letter. His heart beating in his throat.

 

_Dear Isak_

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you the truth. It was never my intention to hurt you. Truth is, I haven’t been honest with you. I know it may be too late for me to explain my motivations but I think you deserve to know this._

_I’ll have to take you back to the first time I met you. Just about two years ago. Bakka. I can still remember meeting you for the first time. Your blue sweater and that rosy blush on your cheeks. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I spent that whole summer, wondering if I’ll see you at Bakka that fall. Except you didn’t show up._

_Sometimes I wonder if it was fate that I had to repeat my third year at Nissen. When I saw you again, it_ felt _like destiny. I wanted it to mean something. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let this second chance go to waste._

_So here is my truth: I offered to be your “fake” boyfriend for utterly selfish reasons. I thought I could make you see me and really fall in love with me. I wanted to love you as fiercely as only people in fairytales do._

_In retrospect, I wish I had told you how I felt. I wish I had asked you out on a date. A real date. I wish I had swept you off your feet, the way you deserved to be._

_It was never about getting back with Sonja. Our breakup was mutual and we’ve been friends for years. I was just a coward. I couldn’t tell you the real reason I wanted to spend time with you and now it was all for nothing._

_I’m sorry I tricked you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I wish I could be good enough for you. Maybe in another universe, you found it in your heart to care for me and I never let you go. Maybe in another universe, I got to say_ I love you _to you before it was too late. Now all I can say is, goodbye._

_With love, Even_

 

Isak couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. All this time. Before he had time to overthink this, he rushed out of his room and dashed towards the door. He heard Eskild call out to him but didn't stop to explain himself. He ran out.

He was a complete mess when he arrived at Even’s place. He was drenched in sweat and he could barely breathe. He rang the door and waited for his heart to slow down. Isak was heaving, with his hands on his knees and his eyes bulging out of his head when Even’s mom opened the door.

“Isak? Are you okay?” She looked concerned but Isak waved it off.

“Hi…Is…Even…Home?”

“No, he’s at Elias’. Do you want to come inside? A glass of water maybe?”

Isak shook his head. “That’s okay. I’ll just…better go.” Still heaving, he gave her a watery smile and left.

This time, Isak tried to pace himself and arrived at the Bakkoush residence looking less likely to die from lack of air than before. Sana opened the door. She gave Isak a confused look and promptly asked, “Did we have a study session I forgot about?”

Isak’s stomach did a somersault and he fidgeted. “No. Um, is Even here?”

Sana stared at him, not answering. Then she turned slightly towards the hallway and called out for Even, still not asking Isak to come in which Isak would have been insulted by if he wasn’t preoccupied with other matters. Like panicking over seeing Even.

They stood in awkward discomfort; Sana staring Isak down and Isak staring down at his shoes. Then he heard footsteps approach and before he knew it, Even was standing in front of him. Isak couldn’t read his expression. He was wearing a too big grey sweater and his hair was not styled. They had one instant of eye contact before the rest of the boys showed up.

“Bro, what’s up?” Elias’ booming voice filled the small space between them before Isak had a chance to speak. They came bearing jubilant noise and childish wonder, shouting their hellos and clinging over Even’s shoulders. Isak might have imagined it, but he thought Even looked as embarrassed as Isak felt. “Hi, Isak! What’s up, man?”

“Hi, Elias. Um, can Even and I talk for a moment?”

Elias looked confused. “I mean sure, why not? You can talk whenever. I-I don’t understand.”

Sana shook his head, pinching her nose. “He’s not talking to you, Elias.”

"Right!"

“Um, can we talk privately?” Even nodded his head enthusiastically and everyone began to clamber around trying to find them a space to talk.

“Oh sure!”

“Well we were in the living room so there’s the kitchen-”

“Mom’s in the kitchen-”

“We could all go into the bathroom-”

“what about the backyard?”

“Stop!” Sana said loudly, raising her hands. Everyone immediately fell silent and they all stared at Sana, waiting for her guidance. She turned towards Isak. “You can talk in my room. They can’t eavesdrop there.”

“Excuse you,” exclaimed Elias.

“We would never!”

“I can’t believe you think of us like  _that!”_

The boys kept on protesting as Sana led or rather pushed Isak and Even towards her room and closed the door behind them. All at once, the noise ceased. It was just the two of them. The last time they had seen each other was over two weeks before. Isak both wanted to look at and away from Even.

They stood across from each other, both a little lost until Isak cleared his throat.

“I got your letter.”

“Yeah?” Isak nodded.

There was too much he wanted to say to Even at once but the courage to do so came unwillingly.

“I lied too,” he blurted out. Even’s face twisted for a second before he rearranged his expression into something neutral. “I’m not actually in love with Jonas.”

“Oh.” Still Even did not meet his eyes.

“I…” Isak closed his eyes. “I want _us_ to be the universe where this works out.”

At last, Even looked at Isak. Encouraged, Isak went on.

“I got scared. All my life, I’ve been scared of rejection. Of not being accepted. Of being left behind. All my life, I’ve been keeping everyone at arm’s length to protect myself and my heart. I think that’s why I wrote those letters? It was just easier to daydream about the concept of people rather than experience the actual persons they were. That way I could lie to myself that I was experiencing love without all the high-stakes of actually being in love. Then…I got distracted and right when I was looking away, you sneak up on me! Before I know it, I’m really falling in love with you. For the first time in my life, I actually wasn’t shying away from love with you. You made it so easy. To fall. To know I was landing somewhere safe. For the first time, I thought it would be okay; thought I could do it.

“I know I should have let you speak on Wednesday but the old instincts kicked in. I knew what I said would push you away. I knew I was judging you too hard too fast but it was easier to fall back in my old habits. Let the instinct of flight take over, to save myself before it  _really_  began to hurt. And now…,” he trailed off.

When Isak didn’t go on, Even asked, “Now what?”

Isak looked down at his hands. “Now I see I was wrong. It’s half a life if we don’t risk heartbreak for the sake of the love we get. I don’t care if we’ll work out in ten years. Hell, who knows what tomorrow will bring! Maybe a comet will hit earth and we’ll all die but I don’t want to waste today worrying about a heartbreak that might never come. This is worth it.  _We_ ’re worth it. I…I want to give us a fighting chance…if-if you’ll want that too?”

Isak looked up at Even. He was looking back at Isak, his eyes warm and a ghost of a smile creeping over his face. “I would like that,” he said, his voice made of spring and soft rain.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Even nodded, his face brightening and his sunshine smile appearing in full bloom. Isak returned the smile. His heart was so full. He stood on the cusp of something wonderful. A fresh page in his book. He took a certain step towards Even.

“This is the part we kiss,” Isak said, smirking cheekily. Even laughed out loud; it was his Isak laugh. Isak was so charmed.

The kiss was chaste and shy. A new experience. A simple brush of their lips against each other but Isak could feel the tingling sensation in the tip of his toes as well.

“I always knew you were a sap deep down.”

“I am  _not_!”

“Are too!”

“Even!”

“Isak!”

Even shook his head as Isak linked their fingers together. “Is this our happy ending?”

Isak thought about it. “I don’t know; I don’t want it to be an ending.”

“Happy beginning?”

“Yes, that’s better!”

~*~*~*~*~

_Five months later_

“I was thinking,” said Isak, shifting and leaning his head against his hand. They were picnicking at the park. Even had decided to forgo the Russ tradition as he hardly had made any attempt to join a bus all year anyway. Isak knew it was not due to a lack of offers. Even had simply said the partying would fuck up his sleep schedule and it just wasn’t worth it.

“That’s worrying,” replied Even, not raising his head from the book he was reading, looking cool as a cucumber with his Ray Ban and his devil-may-care hairstyle. Isak swatted at his arm and he grinned back. “About what?”

“I think I’m going to pick up writing love letters again.” At that Even did drop his book and looked at Isak.

“Um…”

Satisfied, Isak rolled over and rest his chin on Even’s chest. “I’m going to write you love letters every day.”

Even smirked. Absentmindedly, he began combing his fingers through Isak’s hair. “Well that's nice…”

“And you should write me one too.”

Even groaned. “Every day?”

“Yes! That way we’ll have more letters than clothes by the end of the year.”

“Think about all the trees that will die for the paper!”

“Think about the mantle of romance we must uphold.” Isak shifted around so he could look up at the sky again. It was sunny, small puffs of cloud drifted here and there. It would rain later on. By night, Isak guessed. “I think it’s a shame that people don’t write letters anymore. It’s such a romantic gesture.”

Even’s fingers traced the curve of Isak’s ear. “Well then. We’ll write letters to each other from now on.”

“That would be nice,” Isak sighed. It would be alright.

They had all day in the sun. It would rain later but they still had time. And tomorrow, the sun would shine again.

 

~~~~~***~~~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand that's a wrap! I hope you guys enjoyed this story. This was a little thing I really wanted to write about. I want to thank everyone who left kudos, commented and supported me. Your encouragements mean the world. I hope you enjoyed the story. Let me know, I love reading your comments.   
> Once again, so sorry for the long delay. But they say better late than never, eh?  
> Come talk to me on my Tumblr, [A corpse of thorns and roses.](https://acorpseofthornsandroses.tumblr.com) . I'll take prompts if you're willing to risk my writer's block!


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